All posts by MattGilligan

Newly Torn Up Monroe Ave “Already An Improvement” Amidst Construction

Despite fears by city administrators, the effective destruction of parts of Monroe Avenue has been received positively, by most.

Monroe Avenue – Rochester, NY

City officials were baffled today as their constituents declined to full-on revolt over recent construction on Monroe Ave. The complete destruction of the useful layers of road was expected to draw criticism from Rochester commuters. Instead, the recent move has drawn a surprising amount of praise.

“Well, the thing is…” begins Monroe Avenue commuter Dave Nichols, who struggles to get to the point. “Potholes tend to sneak up on you. But when the whole street is made of holes, that’s a bit more manageable.”

This statement echoes those of most commuters that we spoke to. There were a few people who were frustrated with the timing of the construction, but some commuters went so far as to say that they enjoyed the change:

“I like to open my mouth and make a sound while I go over the broken road,” says Wegmans employee and local psychopath Megan Greenbaum. “Like when you’re in a shopping cart as a little kid. It’s nice to think back on my childhood and smile while I’m on my way to work.”

Happier than anybody was locally contracted construction workers who knew that they would return soon; when the road is once more destroyed by the frozen Hell of snow, salt, and ice that is a Rochester winter.

Following Bridge Closure, Fairport Man Seeks New Place To Jump

Fairport, NY – Following reports that the Fairport bridge will be closed for over a year due to maintenance concerns, a local dentist and disappointment to his family Martin Stuart expressed frustrations over finding a new place to end his miserable, lackluster life.

“What am I supposed to do?” asks Martin, doing nothing at all to convince anyone to talk him out of it. “Where am I supposed to jump now? How far am I supposed to go? Have you ever seen the price of gas lately?”

Per sources who wouldn’t call themselves close to Martin, but insisted that they knew him “as well as anybody would be willing to,” the Fairport resident has been lofting the idea of suicide “for months now.”

“I wish he would just do it already,” says Dan Stuart, Martin’s son. “Just once, I would like to see this supposed ‘role model’ actually follow through with something. What lesson am I supposed to learn when he allows one bridge closure to stop him?”

Of course, it wouldn’t be appropriate to only present a point of view that encourages a man to take his own life. So, in the interest of journalistic integrity, The Inner Loop called a locally-based suicide prevention hotline to gain a different perspective. Unfortunately, the hotline was all too familiar with the situation.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong; he’s a huge source of revenue for us,” says Sandra Walker, president of the organization behind the hotline. “But, if we’re being honest, his incessant calling is a bit of a bummer. I’m not the only one in the organization who feels this way about Martin, but I am the only one who divorced him over it.”

It’s a sad day when even those who are rooting for you are rooting for you to just give up already.

Update: We attempted to reach out to Martin following the comments from his son and ex-wife, but he has reportedly dumped all old lines of communication and “found Christ,” prompting even us at The Inner Loop to wish him a not-so-fond farewell

 

Mayor Warren Calls For Nuclear Bomb to Calm Seabreeze Wave Pool

Rochester, NY – A leaked internal memo says that Mayor Lovely Warren has suggested “on more than one occasion” that the City of Rochester uses nuclear weapons to calm the wave pool at Seabreeze Amusement Park.

“She says that it’s important that we boost efficiency numbers in the economy,” claims one official close to the administration. “If the wave pool takes too long to settle, it creates a longer waiting period for patrons who could be spending their money elsewhere. So, in the words of Mayor Warren, ‘Why not just drop a big old nuke?”

Needless to say, the controversy did not take long to mount following this report. Many in the administration were reportedly quick to point out the cost of a nuclear weapon.

“We are talking about hundreds of thousands — possibly even millions of dollars,” stated another official, who was too boring to find anything to make fun of. “First, there’s the bureaucracy of authorizing the bomb, and government salaries add up. Then there’s the cost of the bomb itself, and you just know that citizens will be asking us to clean up all the radiation later. We can’t even fill our potholes… What do you expect us to do with radioactive waste?”

The administration is reportedly planning to announce the cancellation of the proposal today amidst budget concerns

Penfield Man Needs Two Beeps To Be Sure Car Is Really Locked

Penfield, NY – Per sources in the community, a Penfield resident requires exactly 2 beeps from his key fab lock to be sure that his car is truly locked.

Local used car salesman and paranoid owner of nothing interesting, Darren Sommers, agreed to sit down with us to discuss the story:

Inner Loop – “So Darren, can you tell me more about when you became concerned with your security?”

Darren – “Well, it all started with me not wanting anybody to steal my sunglasses,” (Darren points to the “O” for “Oakley” on the sunglasses that he’s wearing even though this interview is indoors). “From that standpoint, it was incredibly important to me that nobody be able to get into my car.”

IL – “I see. And, when was it exactly that you arrived at two beeps?”

D – “Well, just hitting the lock button isn’t enough –”

IL – “Of course”

D – “Of course. And then there’s the single beep, which is supposed to mean that the car is locked, but I like to double check”

IL – “I see. And you wouldn’t do 3 beeps because…?”

D – “Well that would just be gratuitous”

IL – “Of course.”

D – “Of course.”

IL – “So, Darren, let me ask, has anybody ever tried to steal anything out of your car before?”

D – “Well, nobody has stolen anything yet.”

IL – “You may want to look out the window. This is a three beep neighborhood.”

RPD Unable To Issue Ticket As Hazard Lights Are On

Rochester, NY – An FOIA request has produced documents earlier today that shed light on the daily struggle of traffic cops. According to police reports obtained by The Inner Loop, cops were “baffled” and “unprepared” when they saw that patrons had created their own parking spots by turning on their hazard lights.

“It was the weirdest thing,” says full-time traffic cop and part-time mime, Officer White. “Usually, my jobs don’t intersect much unless I’m directing traffic. But when those hazard lights come on, I have to treat the vehicle as if it is in an invisible parking spot.”

When we suggested that White simply issue a ticket, he stated that he could not, as it was “up to forces greater than himself.”

Meanwhile, onlookers who spent 20 minutes looking for a parking space were reported to be seen shaking their heads as if to say “I can’t flip off an empty car.”

Local Dad Goes To Vape Shop For New Cartridges; Never Returns

ROCHESTER, NY – According to local mother Skye Walker, whose parents clearly never imagined that name on an adult, her husband Kyle has recently gone missing following a trip to his local vape shop.

“He was just headed out to the corner vape shop for a fresh pack of cartridges,” says Skye, who has somehow never seen a Star Wars movie. “He’s got a son at home. I hope he’s found soon.”

According to neighbors, things in the Walker household were not always as harmonious as they may seem.

“I saw when Kyle stormed out,” says a neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous, but is frequently seen peeking through her blinds. “They had been arguing about Robert Pattinson being cast as the new Batman. Kyle insisted that nothing could top Christian Bale’s performance, and left in a blind rage when Skye suggested that there hasn’t been a good Batman since Adam West.”

As per usual in these instances, Kyle’s son was an afterthought.

Lilac Festival Cancelled Due to Pretty Good Weather for Rochester, Actually

Rochester, NY – The Lilac Festival was canceled today, due to it being too wet, apparently.

The weather recently has been rainy but temperatures have been pretty decent which is why many local citizens were unhappy with the cancellation.

“This is my one day off this week!” says unemployed festival connoisseur Robert Hughes. “Today was my ONE day to break out my shorts and tank top! How am I supposed to maintain a tan, now?” continued Hughes, who is somehow still above going to Charlotte beach.

The Lilac Festival is expected to resume tomorrow when even organizers remember we it might snow again at any point so there is no time to waste.