All posts by MattGilligan

Local Dad Goes To Vape Shop For New Cartridges; Never Returns

ROCHESTER, NY – According to local mother Skye Walker, whose parents clearly never imagined that name on an adult, her husband Kyle has recently gone missing following a trip to his local vape shop.

“He was just headed out to the corner vape shop for a fresh pack of cartridges,” says Skye, who has somehow never seen a Star Wars movie. “He’s got a son at home. I hope he’s found soon.”

According to neighbors, things in the Walker household were not always as harmonious as they may seem.

“I saw when Kyle stormed out,” says a neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous, but is frequently seen peeking through her blinds. “They had been arguing about Robert Pattinson being cast as the new Batman. Kyle insisted that nothing could top Christian Bale’s performance, and left in a blind rage when Skye suggested that there hasn’t been a good Batman since Adam West.”

As per usual in these instances, Kyle’s son was an afterthought.

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Lilac Festival Cancelled Due to Pretty Good Weather for Rochester, Actually

Rochester, NY – The Lilac Festival was canceled today, due to it being too wet, apparently.

The weather recently has been rainy but temperatures have been pretty decent which is why many local citizens were unhappy with the cancellation.

“This is my one day off this week!” says unemployed festival connoisseur Robert Hughes. “Today was my ONE day to break out my shorts and tank top! How am I supposed to maintain a tan, now?” continued Hughes, who is somehow still above going to Charlotte beach.

The Lilac Festival is expected to resume tomorrow when even organizers remember we it might snow again at any point so there is no time to waste.

Giant Turkey Leg Makes Local Man Virtually Irresistible To Nearby Women

Rochester, NY – Lilac Festival patron, and otherwise-not-outstanding white guy, Kyle McDaniels was struck with the unsuspecting gaze of potential mates today as he was seen eating a massive turkey leg directly off the bone.

Choosing not to grab napkins, the lust-inducing drippings of once-living meat we’re caught in Kyle’s beard which reportedly making him “irresistible” to onlookers, who would have otherwise rated him “about a five out of ten”.

“The smell of freshly cooked meat just woke something up inside of me,” said Emily O’Shaunessey, uncontrollably tugging at her dreads. “It’s like, I know that physically he’s ‘just okay,’ but watching the primal way attacked that meat. Let’s just say I hope I’m next.”

Reports went on to confirm that Kyle’s sex appeal peaked as he crushed an empty I.P.A. can against his forehead, which many women noted was “totally against the rules,” and “sexy, but in a Russell Brand kind of way.”

Reports went on to indicate that once the turkey leg was finished, an insatiable crowd marched on the concessions tent, demanding that the turkey leg vendor prepare shelter and bear them children.

Report: Monroe Ave McDonald’s Employee Currently Eating Your “Forgotten” Fries

ROCHESTER, NY – According to a local McDonalds employee, who doesn’t value her job enough to maintain anonymity, those fries you paid for are delicious.

“A lot of people don’t love the fries since they changed the recipe. The guy who ordered these never came back. I assume he’s one of those people” says an employee Monroe Ave McDonalds. “I am too, but it’s lunchtime, and I need something quick before I go back to work.”

This report comes as you’ve opened your McDonalds bag yet again to find your order incorrect. Sure, you say that you’ll never go back to this location, but that implies that you had standards before deciding on McDonald’s for lunch. Who are you kidding? This is a blessing in disguise.

“I just can’t wait until dinner,” continued the employee. “Hopefully some dupe orders a McFlurry with their Big Mac. I’m really feeling dessert tonight.”