Tag Archives: Theinnerloopblog

Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

Rochester Thunderdome App

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

Activists Shocked to Find Out That People can suck

Several activists from different social change movements have stepped forth with a shocking new discovery. After asking basic ‘Get to know you’ ice breaker questions to members of their respective groups they found that most, if not all of them, had personal traits or practices considered morally wrong. What follows are testimonials by those who found out that their organizations were full of shitty people.

Sarah Respoch, of Rochester’s grassroots campaign to stop voter suppression, had this to say about several members:

“Well, it just struck me as odd that we had so many sophomore poli-sci kids from around the area come and go. They always seemed so eager to join up and help the movement! They’d help educate people and join us at rallies, but then at the end of the summer they’d go back to school and never come back. I talked to one of them, he was a U of R guy, and all he had to say was ‘yeah, its better than an internship ’cause I get paid, and if I get one of the booth people to sign a sheet it counts as one anyways’. It…It’s like they don’t even care about the message, they just see the organization and the people as objects used as a means to an end.”

Gerard LeBouif, a local leader of a chapter of the Vegan Anti-GMO movement told us:

“Like, I had known [REDACTED] for years, he helped found the chapter here. Me and him were close friends! We even came from the same class at U of R. I had no idea that he was a registered sex offender. I asked him a week ago, point blank, ‘do you have a criminal record?’ and he said ‘yeah’ like it was nothing! He’s been in my house, with my kids , before. It’s like I never really took the time to know the guy.”

Bram Stepford, leader of the Young Republicans Club, and the  Delta Iota Chi Kappa fraternity at the University of Rochester, noticed this about some of his comrades:

“I found out Chet had never even drugged and sexually assaulted any of the sorority girls at our weekly bi-annual mixers. Like, never once! He never called anybody a n***er, or a s**c, or a w*****k, or a c**t, or a dick-weed, or a k**e, or”

He went on for some time listing various racial slurs and offensive slang,

“…he never skipped classes to get blackout drunk, and he didn’t even go here as a safety school! Like, he is paying for his own education and joined the frat thinking it would be a close knit community of brothers that shared a common profession or interest! Like, and but, like, and he just really believed in the republican cause and saw it as a way to better the political landscape of the country. Such a boner killer, you know?”

And finally, from the Rochester Socialists Union, Rebecca Sheppard had this to say:

“Well, its kind of an awkward situation, we’re in the middle of discussion of how to proceed. Okay, the short of it is that we have been involved closely with the Rochester Black Lives Matter movement for some time now. We believe that equality should exist in all forms and that no one group should be in complete power. We were excited to see so many people start joining in to rally and protest with us, but they would disappear after one or two rallies. It turns out they were just trying to be in pictures so that they could bolster their social media profiles and get bragging rights. I think the most disgusting example was one guy who came from U of R, he was at the front of every protest once the photographers came out, he kept claiming he was in NYC during the Occupy Wall Street protests and got beaten by police, but whenever he went near any person of color, he would immediately change into this gross stereotype, desperately trying to fist-bump people and saying “wassup homie?” or “whats good, blood?” it…it was disgusting to say the least.”

It’s sad to say that individuals in any given cause can turn out to be the complete opposite of who we thought they were. Some people try to use groups dedicated to social, political, or economic change to wash over who they are as an individual, rather than let their individuality dictate how others see them, as shitty, awful, terrible, awful people.

All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Boner Juice, a shitty skull drawing.

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

“Mystic” Kind of Predicts Prince’s Death

It was a slow news day today, so it came as a surprise when several local men (large, awful, sweaty men) came bursting into the Inner Loop office. They were panting something terrible and it certainly wasn’t words.

“What are you saying?” Our chief editor squeaked, his tiny mouth quivering on the bottom of his huge, terrible head, “WE NEED THIS SCOOP GUYS!”

After what seemed like an eternity of sweat and panting, the most porcine of the lot lifted his head, and with the filthy voice of some grand swine gurgled out, “She knew it would happen! She predicted that Prince would die!”

So we followed them back to the Mystic’s lair, a one room Air BnB rental in a trailer park outside of Lima, NY.

When we went inside, it smelled great, but looked like a carnival shit-house. The dust was frothing and every grease stain seemed to have its own family. Truly, this was the home of a very powerful wizard, or a very annoying necromancer at the least.

“….I-” boomed the voice of a small child in the back portion of the one room, “-Have seen what cannot be unseen!”

Oh yeah. Mystic shit is abound dear reader.

“So you are the mystic that predicted the exact time of Princes death?” Inner Loop Chief Editor squawked like a damp, flightless bird, “How did you know!?”

The mystic drew a deep breath. Here is a photocopy of the drawing:

https://wellplayedmusic.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/deep-breath.jpg

Then she said, “Back in 2009, I told everyone that people who were famous in the 70’s and 80’s would probably start dying in the next 50 years”

We were shocked. She was definitely not wrong. We were dumbstruck. Dumbfounded. Definitely an appropriate amount of surprised

Ladies and Gentleman, psychics are among us. It is our duty as mothers and Americans to round them up and put them into cages, lest they use their powers to tell us other things. Like what time breakfast should be, or why your dad sometimes doesn’t pick up the first time you call.

We started with this terrible mystic, and now its up to you. God Bless America, and good luck.

Bathroom Riots at Blue Cross as Local Man Makes Sandwich

Rochester, NY – Brandon Crater, a local Corn Hill Landing man, was browsing his Facebook feed and happened upon an Intranet Meeem about trans-gendered bathrooms being a result of President Obamas administration.

“I know it was only one of those 4Chans,” said Crater. “But it really messed with my jimmies. It was a picture of President Bush with the caption ‘When I was in office, people knew what bathroom to use.’ I don’t really care too much for the intranets or the meeems on it, but it just made me uncomfortable. Trans gendered people have been using bathrooms they’ve been comfortable with for decades. The only people making it difficult are the old and bigoted white men that make laws that encourage intolerance.”

Brandon Crater responded to the meeem with a quick Facebook post then went into his kitchen to make a sandwich. When he returned to his desk, he looked outside of his Corn Hill apartment building and saw the flames and anarchy he had created downtown.

“I got back to my computer and had over five hundred notifications. At first I just kept laughing and eating my turkey on rye. I don’t care all that much about the movement because it doesn’t affect me. I still find it really funny that I created that much argument from one joke post on Facebook.”

“When I saw the riots downtown and all my friends that were posting on my status were throwing Molotov Cocktails into the windows at Blue Cross, all I could do was laugh because it was so funny how butt hurt all of these people got in the matter of seconds.”

The riots will forever be known as the Adult Infidelity Defecation Scuffle or AIDS for short.

5 Signs Your Drug Dealer is Still in High School

Rochester, NY- We’re adults here. There is no need to be rude, to pass judgement, or to be anxious. You just gotta walk up to his 95′ Subaru Outback, knock on the window and give him this fistful of hamilton’s that have been burning a hole in your pocket for a week. It’s gonna help you relax, and your other dealer told you this guy was good until he re-ups.

Alright. Knock on the window. Hand him the sweaty money. Get bag. Hold on…Something isn’t right here…

  1. This is definitely Oregano in a bag- Like, Im 26, I can tell what is weed and what is oregano. This is f***ing oregano. Who the f***thinks they can get away with selling oregano?
  2. You definitely sold oregano when you were in high school- Everyone knew that one kid who would buy anything if you told him it would get him high. Johnny sold him some laundry lint and told him it was PCP, kid came in the next day saying he tripped for a week, everyone laughed; good joke on an idiot. But it takes balls to sell a sandwich bag of not-weed to an older guy.
  3. Shit, is it rude to check it in front of him?- I mean, he definitely wouldn’t sell to you again if you do that, and you have another week or so before you other guy  re-ups. Damn, I’m in a tight spot.
  4. Wait, what movie is that from?- Shit, its that Coen Brothers movie…which one was it. It had George Clooney and…John Turturro? Why the f***can I remember him but not the name of the f***in…it was like depression era? Oh! OH!
  5. “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”!- Ah Man! I love that movie! aww, I definitely got to get real weed and watch that movie again. Wait where did he go?

F***ing shit. Well, serves me right for buying 6 separate dime bags of weed on a Thursday afternoon in a high-school parking lot. F***ing teens.

Im gonna go huff spray paint in my garage and watch A Bugs Life, f*** it.

Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards Found Alive in His Connecticut Home

Weston, Ct.– At his private Connecticut estate today, Keith Richards, the acclaimed Rolling Stones guitarist, was discovered still alive, somehow. Patrick Sanger, a groundskeeper at the estate and longtime friend of Richards, reported he found him early Tuesday morning jovially humming the tune to “Paint It Black” as he heated a crushed up Lipitor tablet in a teaspoon with a lighter.

The guitarist and songwriter had, by all accounts, remained in good health over the past year of touring with The Rolling Stones, despite having spent most of his life taking enough illicit chemicals on a daily basis to kill Charlie Sheen several times over. These days, of course, the aging rocker limits himself to taking medication for arthritis caused by years of guitar playing and constantly having to endorse royalty checks every time Martin Scorsese puts “Gimme Shelter” in another movie.

In a year marked by the passing of such musical icons as David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Prince, many in the industry were shocked to learn of Richards’ survival.

“You just keep hearing about all these legends being lost before their time,” said Ric Ocasek, longtime frontman of The Cars, in a telephone interview. “Keith, man,” he continued, “I could’ve sworn it was a few years ago I was spinning my ‘Let It Bleed’ LP in his honor. Or was that… Let me get back to you, I need to go Google the names of everyone I knew in Aerosmith and Cheap Trick.”

Fans of Keith Richards, for now, can anticipate plenty more to come from the man and his band, as The Rolling Stones have just announced the release of a $3,000 box set of albums you already own and have announced tour dates for 2341 at the first permanent manned settlement on the moon.

5 Reasons I Became An Atheist

 

  1. The Communion wafers were stale.

I don’t consider myself high class or anything, but is it too much to ask for a little crunch?

  1. I have introduced myself to Mr. Jenkins at least fifteen times by now.

After about the seventh time, I really started to question my faith. I know Mr. Jenkins is old, but I see him every week. Come on.

  1. The wafers are stale, like really stale.

Look, I’m not expecting a five-class restaurant. It’s just, I know the Church has zip-loc bags in the kitchen, are they not using them?

  1. The Universe is a spinning void of complete nothingness that lacks any semblance of order, there is no fathomable way we are created or ruled by an Omnipotent entity.

Honestly, this was just a little thing on top of the wafer issue.

  1. The wafers were stale.

How can there be a God if the metaphorical representation of his supposed son are so gross and chewy?

 

 

Artist Formerly Alive as Prince Reportedly ‘Killing It’ in Afterlife

Comedian ‘Prince’ has brought his audience to hysterics once again by being proclaimed unresponsive in an elevator in his Paisley Park Compound earlier this week. This is likely to be the entertainers last performance, as it is difficult to regain consciousness after our stupid human bodies are pronounced dead for longer than 24 hours.

Our Resident Chief Director of Seance Communications and K-cup ordering for the office Michelle Brockaur managed to have a tea interview with the recently deceased.

“I’m loving it up here baby,” said Ghost Prince. “Other spirits keep confusing me for Rick James, but there’s no hard feeling”. He would go on to talk about his plans for the coming eternity in the afterlife. “Yeah baby, Me and James Brown got this idea of going on tour up here. From the River Styx to Saint Peters Door, we got connections and hook ups to have some of the greatest shows this dimension has ever known”.

During the interview, Ghost Michael Jackson kept humming and moaning while doing a moonwalk behind Prince. While he was not entertained, Ms. Brockaur went on record to say it was the second best seance she had ever. “Second only to Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams ad libbing the ending to Donnie Darko”.

The musical genius was 57 when he passed. He will be forever missed.