Tag Archives: Movie

“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

5 Residents Dead After Mistaking Food Truck Rodeo For Actual Rodeo

Rochester, NY-  Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo.  Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around.  Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns.  Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.

Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties:  Wren Staar and Felix Rolins.  The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful.  “It just seemed so natural, you know?  So serene.”  recalled Onyx.  ”  I wish I could have been a part of it, actually.  Could you imagine going out like that?  It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”

A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost.  The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull s*** on his car every day

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

Suspicions confirmed: Commuter learns traffic has been “fricken kidding” him all along.

Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being f***ing kidding him this whole time.

“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.

“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me?”

“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”

We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.

7 Summer Activities for Rochester Natives

As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience!  But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again.  That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City!  So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!

1.  Smoke a joint before you go out to brunch!

If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends.  But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count.  And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in!  It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!

2.  Hit your friend Paul’s bong and go see a movie at The Little Theater!

The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music.  What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film!  If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway.  The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.

3.  Roll a blunt and see a show at the planetarium!

We know, this one is a cliché!  People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s.  But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity!  Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is.  I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right?  What if they were high now, too?  And talking about us?????  Omg this is too much.  I think I need to leave.

4.  Bring your bowl with you for a hike in Corbett’s Glen!

If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves.  Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat!  Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended!  It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.

5.  Do a dab and check out Mt. Hope Cemetery!

A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart.  Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying.  This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place.  But the fun doesn’t have to stop there!  Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality!  The possibilities are endless!

6.  Eat a pot brownie and go to The Strong Museum of Play!

*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity.  Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*

This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free.  So buckle up, partner!  You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god!  One just landed on your arm!  It’s okay to cry, friend.  We’ve all been there.

7.  Go to Wegmans.

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RGH Maternity Ward Hiring Basically Anyone Prepping For Baby Boom 9 Months From Now

 

First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.

 

“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”

 

One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”

 

“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”

Rochester Continues Tradition of Buying-Out Super Parishable Food Before Storm

“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”

 

His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.

 

When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”

 

The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”

Cousins Play Riot Police and Indians Before Thanksgiving Dinner

Pittsford, NY – Cousins Randall Sellars, 9 and Jimmy Peterson, 8, don’t mind the wind chill as they run around the Peterson’s backyard, chasing each other and throwing snowballs. Out of breath and laughing, the duo pauses to think of a new game to play.

“I know, I know,” Randall excitedly shouts, “How about Riot Police and Indians?” Jimmy claps in thrilled agreement, “I’ll be a riot policeman and you be a Standing Rock Protector,” continues Randall.

Randall then picks up a garbage can lid and adorns his head with a tipped over flower pot. Jimmy draws a line in the snow with his foot and stands behind it. The two boys giggle as Randall pegs Jimmy with snowball after snowball. Jimmy, a future actor no-doubt, stays in character and just stands there peacefully.

A knock on the kitchen window gets Jimmy’s attention. He turns to look inside. His mother, Teresa Peterson, 37, signals to him that Thanksgiving dinner is served. Jimmy nods back.

“It’s time for dinner, I think,” Jimmy says as he turns back to Randall, now holding the garden hose.

Teresa and Barbara Sellers, Randall’s mother laugh as they watch their sons play. Teresa remarks how lucky they are to have kids nowadays who actually like to play outside. Barbara agrees as she finishes setting the table, the brutal irony lost on them both.

Jacob Sellers, Randall’s father, can be heard in the next room shouting, “Woohoo, Touchdown! Go Redskins!”

Conservationist Leatherface Quits Haunted Hayride Citing Chainsaw CO2 Emissions

WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”

Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.

Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).

“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”

The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”

EXCLUSIVE : Hollywood Confirms Live Action Adaptation of Original Content

Los Angeles – Well, It’s certainly been a jaw dropping decade of highlighted cinema innovation. Everything from the Fantastic 4 reboot to the Jungle Book and Ghostbusters reboots have captured audiences the same way the original movies did and with only half the effort. Hollywood never ceases to amaze audiences when it comes to taking 30 year old ideas and adding egregious and grandiose amounts CGI and calling them artistic re-imaginings.

We spoke with Paramount Pictures Executive Hunter Fredsberry as he described the creative process that artists have been using to make the perfect 2010s reboot of something that should’ve just been left alone.

“Beneath every great artist’s desk or sitting on their favorite chair is a small hole where ideas come from. Some of the holes are grand and shallow, others are narrow, yet deep. Often when we are rebooting something that should’ve just been left alone, we come across ideas from the hole that make everyone in the office say ‘But, what if we did this’. So naturally, every artist likes to refer to these magical idea holes as our butt holes.”

Fredsberry went on to describe just how monumental his butt hole has been lately in the film industry.

“Such amazing ideas have come out of my butt hole these last few years, and I have to share them with the world. Even if they’re for movies that we don’t have the rights to! When I heard about Jon Favreau’s Jungle Book, my butt hole was puckering out ideas left and right! You know that scene where Baloo and Bagheera fight off like 300 monkeys? Yeah. That came straight from my butt hole.”

Mr. Fredsberry then went on to describe the new ideas that have been recently coming out of his butt hole. He calls them ‘original ideas’.

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure if my butt hole was broken or not. I even had some of the other executives come over and look at my butt hole to see if anything was wrong. These new ideas that came out of my butt hole were things that no one had ever pulled from their butt hole before! Things like, talking dogs, but also with hats! Or having a movie with more practical affects than CGI! My butt hole even gave me the idea to make a funny Tyler Perry movie instead of another culturally blind shock comedy! Everyone in the office was blown away!”

With production already underway and Hunter Fredsberry’s butt hole raw from innovation, it looks like 2017 is going to be another exciting year of cinema magic. Stay on the look out for the Fall 2017 release of Tyler Perry’s : Medeas Big Butt Hole.