SPENCERPORT NY – In an effort to save a dog trapped in a well at the corner of Union and Ogden Center road the Spencerport Fire Department has spent hours contemplating just how much dynamite is needed in this situation. “It’s not something we take lightly and definitely not something we want to muck up”, said Fire Chief Jake Bromage. “You don’t get a poor innocent dog unstuck from a well by just blasting it out… you need to use the exact precise amount of dynamite in this situation”.

The Spencerport Fire Department has recently been under scrutiny after using a high powered firehose to get a cat out of a tree earlier this week leaving many neighbors concerned. Spencerport native Kelly O’Connel voiced her concern explaining, “if they don’t understand how to properly get a cat out of a tree using a firehose how do I trust that they’re going to use the right amount of dynamite to properly launch a dog safely out of a well?”

At press time the fire department was unable to talk more about the situation because they were trying to stop a runaway train by dropping a big anvil on it.

ROCHESTER, NY — In a strongly worded press release issued Monday, Wegmans reminded customers that its subs are not available “Danny’s Way.” The supermarket chain clarified that while shoppers are free to customize toppings, employees will not honor requests to have sandwiches cut with a credit card, served on a mirror, or wrapped into several smaller plastic baggies.

Company officials say confusion began when a customer ordered a sub “Danny’s Way” instead of a “Danny’s Favorite.” Matters escalated when the same customer asked staff to “chop it up real fine and fast” and paid with hundred-dollar bills rolled into a straw shape.

Wegmans confirmed they remain committed to innovation in the sub department, but emphasized that “Danny’s Way” will never appear on the menu boards. In the meantime, store managers ask customers to stop hanging out near the deli counter at midnight, asking if there’s a “back room special.”

ROCHESTER, NY  – Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire swept through its Twelve Corners home. Brownstein’s quickly rose to prominence as the reliable morning companion of Brighton residents, known for its chewy everything bagels and cream cheese spreads.

Brownstein’s is survived by dozens of loyal customers who still giggle when they use the word “schmear.” Community members are concerned that the breakfast staple may never return and promise to cut a whole into the middle of every meal they eat until the owners rebuild.

ROCHESTER, NY — Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire consumed its Twelve Corners home. Since the early 1980s, Brownstein’s had been a reliable morning companion for Brighton residents, beloved for its chewy everything bagels and generous cream cheese schmears.

Brownstein’s is survived by generations of loyal customers who still giggle when they say “schmear.” While the future remains uncertain, the community has vowed to cut a hole in the middle of every meal they eat until the bakery is rebuilt.

ROCHESTER, NY — Offices across Western New York buzzed Monday after the Buffalo Bills erased a 15-point fourth-quarter deficit to shock the Baltimore Ravens. Many fans left early, prompting quarterback Josh Allen to sigh to reporters, “That’s OK. We’ll be fine. But have some faith next time.”

Enter Ted Golonzo of Webster, who spent the entire workday bragging about going to the game and insisting that he’s no “soft fan” who “left early like a coward.” Colleagues, however, report that during the comeback, Golonzo was suspiciously active in the group chat “almost like they were comfortably in the passenger seat of their DD’s car, listening to the game on the radio.”

Adding to the doubt: the supposed diehard hasn’t yawned or touched a coffee all day, prompting office sources to wonder if anyone who actually stayed for the full game would have made it to work. Let alone survived the celebratory hangover without spending time in the unisex bathroom.

ROCHESTER, NY — Local favorite Zweigle’s shocked consumers this week with the release of their most aggressive hot dog innovation yet: a limited-edition Independence Day casing designed to completely explode upon contact with a grill. According to company officials, the new design offers “maximum pop” and is aimed at thrill-seeking grillmasters and emotionally repressed uncles desperate to “feel something, anything.”

“Consumers have always loved the satisfying snap of a Zweigle’s hot dog,” said a company spokesperson. “So we thought, what if instead of a pop, it was a deafening boom that sent meat fragments across three picnic tables? Early feedback suggests people love the surprise and the singeing.” The casing, developed in partnership with Phantom Fireworks and several unpaid RIT interns, is made from a proprietary blend of pork collagen and highly unstable charcoal powder.

While some customers have reported grill damage, minor hearing loss, and unshakable flashbacks, Zweigle’s insists the product is safe “as long as you keep the lid closed and have had a few cold ones to keep you loose.” Plans are already underway for a bratwurst that doubles as a roadside flare.

PENFIELD, NY — Following a torrential downpour that turned large portions of Ellison Park into a knee-deep, goose-poop-laced lagoon, state geographers have officially reclassified the popular Monroe County park as New York’s newest Finger Lake.  According to newly released documents from NYS, “this park floods so often we can no longer pretend it’s a piece of land.”

“While most lakes in the region were carved by glaciers over thousands of years, this one was formed in about 14 minutes by what we can only describe as sky-based spite,” said a spokesperson for the NY Department of Environmental Something.

The newly reclassified Lake Ellison joins the ranks of Seneca, Cayuga, and Canandaigua, and has already been added to the Finger Lakes Wine Trail. There is no winery built yet, but the FastTrac nearby will let visitors take a swig out of a communal bag of Franzia.

Local residents have already begun cashing in, with one Penfield family launching a paddleboat rental company from a partially submerged picnic table. Meanwhile, a man outside Rising Storm Brewing was arrested after attempting to build an ark out of empty beer cans, reportedly telling police he was “trying to get two of every woman on board, just to be safe.”

PITTSFORD, NY — Declaring they were “deeply moved” by the bold crust and rustic seasoning of a recent purchase from the Pittsford Wegmans bakery, a local family announced Friday they would be summering in the famed Garlic Tuscan region of Italy. The Marlingtons, a prominent family known for founding an artisanal dog yoga studio in the Pittsford Plaza, claim the $6 loaf opened their eyes to a simpler, more carb-forward way of life.

“We bit into that bread and immediately knew we needed to reconnect with our roots,” said family matriarch Leighton Marlington. “Our souls were stirred. The bread spoke to us, and what it said was, ‘Leave behind your Range Rover and find yourself among the garlic-scented winds.’” The family is reportedly planning a six-week spiritual retreat in what they believe to be a remote hillside village just outside Florence.

The Innerloop Blog spoke to their travel agent who has told us that they were unable to locate “Garlic Tuscan” on any map but did find an Airbnb that looked similar to the bread’s label and are just planning to ship a few loaves of the bread to the host to make it seem legit.

They also used ChatGPT to make a pamphlet called “Basic Italian for Bread-Triggered Travelers” to help the children with “language immersion practice.”

BUFFALO, NY – The new holiday romance movie currently filming in Buffalo has already shocked audiences and critics alike, becoming the first Hallmark film in history to receive an NC 17 rating.

The reason? It features what insiders are calling the network’s first-ever explicit sex scene. According to reports, the scene lasts nearly four minutes, includes full orchestral accompaniment, and features “more successful penetration than Buffalo’s defensive line has achieved in over a decade.”

Longtime Hallmark fans are divided. Some praise the network for finally evolving past awkward hand-holding and snowman-based flirting. Others feel the move is too drastic, with one viewer saying they prefer “the implication that the couple might have sexual relations” and if they wanted explicit content, they’d “just listen to their romance novel audiobooks with the bass turned up.”

Buffalo Bills fans, however, are unfazed. Many feel the scene is a fitting reflection of both the city and its football history. “There’s not much to do here in the winter, so yeah, it makes sense this Buffalo movie would have some hardcore stuff going on in the snow,” said one member of Bills Mafia. “And if you’ve watched the Bills lately, especially Josh Allen running for his life, are you really surprised this film includes a scene with no protection?”

Laval, Somewhere in Canada? – In a touching homage to their parent club the Buffalo Sabres, your Rochester Americans have bowed out of the AHL playoffs in embarrassing fashion, losing to Laval 5-0.

There were high hopes for this Amerks squad before the playoffs however as future Buffalo Sabres they showed themselves plenty prepared for the futility of the next level by losing in an extraordinarily pathetic display of ineptitude.

“Listen I know deep down this team can compete for a championship but we aren’t trying insult the big boys by making them feel worse about their drought that is old enough to smoke marb lights” said team captain Luka Rousek, as he perused a local menu for some decent poutine.