5 Signs Your GirlFriend Was Bit By A Radioactive Spider

Rochester, NY-  Relationships are always evolving and changing, for better or for worse. Yet, have you ever wondered if maybe your girlfriend is actually evolving into a half-woman, half-spider? We know the feeling, you see her in the corner of your apartment shooting webs from her wrists while she’s cooking dinner, or sometimes crawling along the ceiling to drop of a load of laundry. You can’t just assume that your girlfriend is becoming another kind of creature that will rule us all someday. So we’re giving you a list.

Here are 5 signs that your girlfriend was bitten by a radioactive spider

1. Your relationship is a web of lies and in a literal web- Lying is bad, some guy in the sky told us that long ago, but she just wont stop lying to you! Was she actually out at dinner with her parents or was she testing out her sweet new web-slinging skills above the old arcade? Also, the entire ‘my refrigerator wont open because its covered in titanium strength web’ thing is getting really old.

2. She wants more flies in her cereal- You started dating her for her little quirks, like having a tattoo of planet earth sunbathing on a beach, but eating flies in your cereal? I know that bug protein is like the new fad in poor places, but this seems a bit excessive.

3. She’s asking to drink more blood than usual-Everyone has their kinks, but when you keep waking up in the middle of the night to your girlfriend biting down on your ankle without even talking to you about it? That’s not a only a big sign she’s turning into mutant spider-woman, but she’s also blatantly not communicating her needs.

4.  You have over a 1,000 babies- I know she wanted kids and you think you’ll make a great dad, but you didn’t sign up for a 1,000 kids! I mean they cant even make a good TV show out of that! Plus, you’ve already stepped on over a dozen eggs in your living room!

5. She stopped a moving car with one leg- Now you know she’s been going to her cross fit classes on the daily, but this is absurd. That car was easily going 50mph and should of sent you and her flying into the never abyss that is sweet death.

These aren’t fool proof signs that your girlfriend is a half spawn demon that is now known as a morph of an arachnid and a gentle white woman. Always keep your guard up, you never know when she’ll decide to finish you off.

 

 

 

Disgusting! This Man Only Wants to Sleep With Women He Finds Attractive

The courageous fight for body positivity, fought almost completely on the feeds of Tumblr and Facebook, has found itself face to face with another threat. That threat is Brody Shomaker. In response to a question posed by Heidi Connors, a brave journalist for Jezebel, Shomaker said he normally only seeks out sexual intimacy with women he sees as attractive. What a pig! As if his male standards should dictate how a woman should look.

Luckily Connors wasn’t afraid to press his fragile male ego. She went on to ask him where he got off. Gross person Shomaker attempted to defend himself pathetically saying, “I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s pretty basic human nature. Sexual attraction isn’t a new concept. Women do it, too.” Wow, what a condescending asshole. Connors rightfully scolded Shomaker for thinking he, a man, was able to speak on behalf of women.

This mentality, that who you are physically attracted to should somehow affect who you choose to become intimate with is both archaic and dangerous. Is that what we are supposed to teach our daughters?

Shomaker went on to further “explain his position,” go ahead Brody, keep digging yourself deeper. The entitled prick told Connors, “I just think this whole conversation is a bit ridiculous. I’m not some sexist pig. I have a degree in Gender Studies. I wrote my thesis on Susan B. Anthony. I interned at NOW for godsakes.”

Good try, Brody. But the internet sees you for who you are. All we can do is hope that men like Shomaker will one day be woke. Until then, women everywhere should continue posting rants on social media about any exchange that can be in any way construed as bigoted or sexist.

Fathers Rejoice!: Steely Dan, Dire Straights, and Chicago all slated to play the Rochester Jazz Festival

Rochester, NY- In a moment of sheer joy for every father, the Rochester Jazz Festival has announced several bands playing their roster that are sure to make your father wet with delight.

“We really wanted to give back to the Dads of the area, y’know?” festival director Walton Smithy says coarsely through bites of his hotdog, “Like, they’ve been getting a rough deal and I’m not sure people really appreciate their dads like they should.”

The Jazz Festival itself has spent, seemingly, all of its budget getting these high profile dad rock bands to come to our fair city. All other musicians have been booted from the playbill, and the festival is now only for one hour on June 30th, with each band playing 2 of their seminal hits.

“Like, like, maybe if my son showed me a little respect every now and then, he’d get to see f***ing Gregg Allman, or Djabe, or John Cleary & the Absolute Monster Gentleman, or any of the other talented musicians we had.” Smithy barked at us, without provocation, “But no! He had to make fun of my Vinyl collection one day, and now this is what he gets. Chris, you ungrateful shit kid. I hope you and your dusty f*** friends all starve to death in the Kodak Hall” He screeched as we rolled up our windows in the parking lot of the Y.

Instead of choosing such step-dad rock favorites as The Barenaked Ladies or Wilco; Such Cool-Older-Brother favorites like Wingnut Dishwashers Union or Wilco; or even some Uncle favorites like Bruce Springsteen or Wilco, we are to be delighted with the underpaid melodies of some of Dad Rocks most classic artists.

Walton Smithy has continued to send us letters describing his terrible son in great detail. At first, we at the Inner Loop office didn’t quite know what to think, but then we got his picture:

God, ugh, yeah that is one awful boy you have there, and we as a city need to be punished for his existence. Let us hope that no other position of power in our fair city has any shit kids, or we’re f***ed.

 

Man Can’t Decide If He Should Go To Trader Joe’s Or Kill Himself

Rochester, NY- Aaron Tanders was trying to have a normal day. He was enjoying his day off and planned on finishing the first season of Jessica Jones. Everything seemed to be going perfectly okay until his girlfriend Stacey walked into the living and asked him this one simple question. “Hey babe, do you want to go to Trader Joe’s with me?”

We spoke with Aaron to see how he was handling this situation.

“I just don’t get it, why would she do this to our relationship? I thought everything was going great with us and then she had to ask me this, like it’s not a big deal! she knows how I feel about Trader Joe’s. I mean our relationship means the world to me and I was planning on proposing to her, but now I think I might be better off just hanging myself, yah know? I mean its Trader Joe’s were talking about here. They offer Almond Peanut butter for $8 a jar. Those people are f***ing monsters.”

It was just reported in the NY Times that approximately 8/10 men will kill themselves when asked if they want to go to Trader Joe’s. It’s a staggering death rate that is tearing apart upper-class white couples. We asked Stacy how she worked up the courage to ask her boyfriend this question, knowing well what the consequences can be.

“I’ve honestly been thinking about this for months and I’ve been wanting to go to Trader Joe’s so badly, I mean a four-pack of avocados for like $4.99, that’s insane! I love my boyfriend so much, but I also love guacamole! I wish the world was an easier place.”

*Editors Note*

Funeral Times for Aaron Tanders will be held at a local Arby’s to honor the kind of food he truly held dear in this life and the next.

 

Penfield Man Not Charged with Smoking Weed in his Car After Pulling Out Decoy Sub

 

Penfield NY – Josh Greene was enjoying a relaxing drive with his friend Robert Alton last Wednesday when they got themselves into a bit of trouble. Driving down I-590, Robert decided to pull out his brand new smoking pipe to enjoy a healthy dose of Rochesters finest sticky-icky (A California 5 out of 10).

It was then that some concerned drivers and passengers that had witnessed the endeavor decided to change their condescending, passive aggressive glances into a full blown NarcFest 3000.

Officer Bryan Schnyder was the first to give a shit about the reports. Since he wasn’t getting any at home, he decided it would be fun to hunt these boys down and intimidate them long enough to see if they’d piss themselves. It was either that or stare blankly at the road signs and wonder how Rhonda has been spending so much time at spin class and hasn’t lost any weight.

Upon seeing the flashing lights in the rear view, Robert decided to act quickly. He looked over with the eyes of a scared man and a confident wombat and told Josh to ‘trust’ him. Quickly, he opened up a compartment in his weed pouch and pulled out a 3 week old Italian BMT from Subway. He opened the sandwich and put all of the weed inside, and opened the Subway bag and hid all of his paraphernalia inside.

When questioned about the contraband, Josh remained silent and poise, while Robert decided to take a more forward approach. The young man repeated the phrase “We ain’t toasten fat blunts, yo. Just these kush subs.”

The officer realized the kids clearly had social disabilities, and decided not to further the investigation. He then turned all of his efforts toward Bret, and that cheating whore Rhonda.

All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

Why Do The Owner’s Of 3HB Only Have One Head?

Rochester, NY-  With the opening of their brewery soon, a lot of questions are being asked about the Three Heads Brewing. What kind of questions you ask? Well some are asking things like “When will they open up?”, “Will they have beer there?” While these are all standard questions, here at The Inner Loop, we only have one question. Why do the owners of Three Heads Brewing only have one head when they claim to have three? After years of investigation and taking acid trips in the woods, we finally have the answer.

As we all know 3HB is one of the best beers to make its way into the Rochester scene, so good that we simply cannot believe that only one mortal human with one mortal head could have created it! Yet, that’s what they claim. The owners, Dan Nothnagle, Todd Dirrigl, Brian Johnson and Geoff Dale are all just simple humans with one head. Not the three-headed interdimensional god that shoots acid from its eyes and can change time with a single snap of his fingers. That is the kind of owner of 3HB we imagined.

As we all cut our hands in unison and took the special mushrooms in the highland park last thursday, we made a vow that we would not leave until we had the answer to the age-old questions of 3HB. As I was wandering through the woods, a tiny fairy spoke to me through my inner eye and told me the truth, what a glorious truth that was my friends! He lifted me high into the heavens and we sat on the backs of grizzly bears and floated down the rivers of pale ales and IPAS, we drank to our hearts delight and sang the songs of his people! It was there he told me why the owners of 3HB only have one mortal head. The answer was so simple. He said….

*Editors Note*

The writers at this point started vomiting excessive amounts of blood from every orifice on his body, he fell into a nearby lake and was presumed to be eaten by the beavers that live down there.

Dont do drugs kids. Just drink some Three Heads Beer.

Lifestyles: How 4 Sleepless Nights and Crippling Depression Helped Me Project Positivity Towards My Body Image

Nobody can accurately prepare you for life. All of the twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights, car crashes that leave you addicted to opioids, and various diagonals. But it isn’t all terrible, in fact, some of the best parts of life can sneak up on you at your absolute lowest.

Now lets set some hypotheticals: Lets say you might have insomnia. You might not have slept for more than 6 hours in the past week, causing the very fabric of your existence to have a fish-eye-lens outline to it. Hypothetically of course.

Secondly, lets say that maybe your only way to get to and from the dream job you got a month ago had it’s break lines cut by the guy you thought was just a little too “red flag” clingy after you two had been hooking up after meeting off of Grindr. And lets say that that caused you to have some trouble getting to work, in the sense that careening through a red light and t-boning someone causing the front of the car to replace where your lap was can prevent you from getting to your job. And lets say that the person you t-boned had waaaaaayyy better lawyers than you, resulting not only in a damages lawsuit but in your insurance premium sky-rocketing, all of that on top of the surgery and physical therapy costs. Again, all of this is hypothetical.

As, possibly, a personal physical fitness trainer who’s legs are now kind of inside out, you are probably a little lacking in the confidence department. Hospital bills and painkiller labels are the only two things you can really stand reading anymore, and pudding cups prove easier to prepare than protein and vitamin rich home cooked meals.

But you know what? All things considered, you still look pretty good! The only workout you got in the past 2 weeks might have just been crying until you dry heave, but Gosh darnit, you are still just as good looking as ever, hell, even better!

In a twist that is as karmic as it is ironic, you now have a very real appreciation for all of the people you’ve been, again hypothetically, helping workout and reach their ideal body image. But really, this isn’t so bad! I’m- …You’re not stressing out about calorie intake, needing to run 5 miles a day, and you certainly aren’t judging people at the store for how they look anymore.

So don’t worry! It might be the Percocet you just popped, but life is looking pretty okay, and so are you!

Also, change your phone number. Grindr guy keeps trying to text mean jokes about brake lines being cut. Its less that it’s creepy, and more that he just cant get any of the jokes to land quite right.

Murals Come to Life as Wage Gap becomes Irrelevant

Rochester, NY – Nearly 15 years ago Rochester’s resident witch doctor, Nuala Abuntu, came out of her decrepit tomb beneath the abandon subway track and screamed her visions of lattes, late model Toyota Corollas, and giants with bowler caps and handlebar moustaches.

“It will start with the farmers markets,” Nuala said, in early 2002. “Then the land will be sold and renovation will befall the city. Thousands will leave and thousands more will come. Hipsters will look upon our pain as art and our murals will come alive to greet them.”

Well after years of gentrification, the witch doctors prophecy has finally come true. So far, sixteen murals from Park Ave to Gregory Street have come to life and started asking passers by where the best ‘fro-yo’ is in Rochester. We all know it’s Yotallity, but just to be safe we’ve all agreed to only tell them about Hoopla. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a technicoloured Bob Marley coming in and eating all the peanut M&Ms and jimmies.

It is estimated that by this time next week all of the murals in downtown will have gained their sentience and fine motor skills. It is also projected that all job applications to Pour Coffee and Joe Bean will be placed on hold until the walls are raised at least 6 feet.