Rochester, NY- In a moment of sheer joy for every father, the Rochester Jazz Festival has announced several bands playing their roster that are sure to make your father wet with delight.

“We really wanted to give back to the Dads of the area, y’know?” festival director Walton Smithy says coarsely through bites of his hotdog, “Like, they’ve been getting a rough deal and I’m not sure people really appreciate their dads like they should.”

The Jazz Festival itself has spent, seemingly, all of its budget getting these high profile dad rock bands to come to our fair city. All other musicians have been booted from the playbill, and the festival is now only for one hour on June 30th, with each band playing 2 of their seminal hits.

“Like, like, maybe if my son showed me a little respect every now and then, he’d get to see f***ing Gregg Allman, or Djabe, or John Cleary & the Absolute Monster Gentleman, or any of the other talented musicians we had.” Smithy barked at us, without provocation, “But no! He had to make fun of my Vinyl collection one day, and now this is what he gets. Chris, you ungrateful shit kid. I hope you and your dusty f*** friends all starve to death in the Kodak Hall” He screeched as we rolled up our windows in the parking lot of the Y.

Instead of choosing such step-dad rock favorites as The Barenaked Ladies or Wilco; Such Cool-Older-Brother favorites like Wingnut Dishwashers Union or Wilco; or even some Uncle favorites like Bruce Springsteen or Wilco, we are to be delighted with the underpaid melodies of some of Dad Rocks most classic artists.

Walton Smithy has continued to send us letters describing his terrible son in great detail. At first, we at the Inner Loop office didn’t quite know what to think, but then we got his picture:

God, ugh, yeah that is one awful boy you have there, and we as a city need to be punished for his existence. Let us hope that no other position of power in our fair city has any shit kids, or we’re f***ed.