Rochester,NY- The Black Lives Matter protest was in full effect this weekend. The protest took a violent turn leading to a night of chaos in the city. The only good news to be found is one local RPD recruit was notified he just met his yearly quota of beating innocent people in one night. We got to speak with the recruit to get his feelings on it.

” You know, being a fresh fish on the RPD I was told that it would take some effort to meet this quota. They encouraged me to try to pull over people for jaywalking, get in their face a little bit, then beat them down for practically nothing. That would help me fulfill this quota. Last night was the jackpot, innocent people trying to protest their cause was the perfect fuel for me to just come swinging in out of nowhere.”

Rochester, NY – While Rochester has recently scored a D- rating for practicing social distancing, we can rest assured that our great city is still making strides in other areas.

We’ve just received word that Rochester has been granted an A+ rating for crime and binge eating.  This is an honor for a city that was once known for Kodak and Arthur Shawcross.

If Rochesterians know how to do anything right, it’s being able to get murdered at any moment and eating ourselves to the point of extinction with a greasy platter filled with carbs and shame.

Rochester, NY- Here at the OUTER LOOP BLOG, we have some things we need to get off our chest. Now that those losers who we’re running this S***! Anyways, people have been hating on Greece for a long time and the jokes on them! Recent studies done by my famz and homeboyz in Greece have determined that Greece is actually the best place to raise a family. Especially if you weren’t expecting that family to begin with! #weararubber #GREECE4LIFE #VAPELIFE

Rochester, NY- Warm weather, clear skies, and 40-degree weather has Rochesterians shouting for joy. One local Rochesterian man has some confusion about all of it. He doesn’t understand why his neighborhood is covered in dog poop. We spoke with him to see exactly what his thoughts were.

“Yeah, I just don’t understand it. I’m glad the snow is gone, but now it’s just piles of dog crap everywhere. I mean I took my dog out all the time, I didn’t pick up his dookie because I thought that the snow took care of it. I was also being considered of the environment, I’m currently avoiding plastic bags of any sort and responsibility of any kind. I just don’t get why the snow didn’t take care of it? Doesn’t it melt away with everything else? Either way, I’m still committed to being green and refusing to pick up my dog’s doo-doo.”

Rochester, NY- Halloween time is upon us. The ghouls and goblins will roam about the streets looking for candy. Fake blood and skeletons litter people’s front yards. Yet, for one man, he could not tell if something was part of the season or something very serious. We spoke with this man to get his take on the situation.

” You know, I can’t say I live in a bad neighborhood, but at the end of the day, we live in Rochester and god only knows what happens in this city. I was walking down the street and I saw some of that yellow caution tape around the front of this house. At first, I thought it was cute and a nice little Halloween touch, but then this part of me just couldn’t help but wonder if something really awful happened there. This is Rochester and I assume about two to three stabbings/shootings happen in my neighbors hood on a weekly basis I guess either way it fits into the Halloween spirit! Stay spooky kids!”

Update: This man was later arrested for trying to feed local children acid. Stay spooky kids!

Rochester, NY- At a press conference today it was announced that Kodak would be ramping up its nationally recognized smokestack output for the 2^nd half of 2019 while maintaining its historically low employment rate.

Kodak president Jim Incompetenza made the announcement Monday while standing in front of Eastman Kodak Business Park. 

“We at Kodak view the handing over of our industry to the Japanese while laying off thousands of local workers as only one of many important steps that we feel honor the Kodak legacy that your parents and grandparents spent decades building,” the new president told an eager crowd.

“Just because we threw our competitive advantage away by ignoring easily visible market trends and turning the Kodak story into a cautionary tale at most business schools…doesn’t mean we we’re about to give up our rank as Rochester’s number one polluter,” Incompetenza said while gesturing behind him to the caustic Soviet Era pipework monstrosity that looked like a place Dr. Robotnik would live.  

“We’re also renewing our efforts to make Lake Ontario un-swimmable” he added. “And we’re gonna f*** up the Genesee river pretty bad too.”

For years, the rich industrial tableau of white plume belching smokestacks, long considered the jewel of the Greece skyline, has both mesmerized residents of the former company town and kept them wondering what exactly Kodak actually makes these days. (Others, working two low wage service jobs, have not summoned the mental resources to ponder the question.) 

Addressing this question directly, Incompetenza rummaged for a few moments under the podium. “Behold folks: the 2019 Kodak Hollywood film reel is complete!” he said, producing and holding above his head the single product. “I think they said it’s got Fast and Furious 12 on it!” A toxic green chemical cloud was ejected into the air as the crowd broke into applause.

Guest Writer- Derek Degraad

Rochester, NY – With Tropical weather patterns hitting Rochester lately, it’s no surprise we have received word that a tornado has landed in the south wedge.

Surprisingly enough, there have been no injuries, casualties and most of the building remains intact, except for the “Beer Park”, the infamous trailer park themed bar.

We spoke with some local residents to get their take on the situation and this is one of the responses. “The bar that’s making fun of trailer park culture got taken out? Cool. F*** that place”