Kodak Commits to Increased Smokestack Emissions While Vowing to Keep Employment Low

Rochester, NY- At a press conference today it was announced that Kodak would be ramping up its nationally recognized smokestack output for the 2nd half of 2019 while maintaining its historically low employment rate.

Kodak president Jim Incompetenza made the announcement Monday while standing in front of Eastman Kodak Business Park. 

“We at Kodak view the handing over of our industry to the Japanese while laying off thousands of local workers as only one of many important steps that we feel honor the Kodak legacy that your parents and grandparents spent decades building,” the new president told an eager crowd.

“Just because we threw our competitive advantage away by ignoring easily visible market trends and turning the Kodak story into a cautionary tale at most business schools…doesn’t mean we we’re about to give up our rank as Rochester’s number one polluter,” Incompetenza said while gesturing behind him to the caustic Soviet Era pipework monstrosity that looked like a place Dr. Robotnik would live.  

“We’re also renewing our efforts to make Lake Ontario un-swimmable” he added. “And we’re gonna f*** up the Genesee river pretty bad too.”

For years, the rich industrial tableau of white plume belching smokestacks, long considered the jewel of the Greece skyline, has both mesmerized residents of the former company town and kept them wondering what exactly Kodak actually makes these days. (Others, working two low wage service jobs, have not summoned the mental resources to ponder the question.) 

Addressing this question directly, Incompetenza rummaged for a few moments under the podium. “Behold folks: the 2019 Kodak Hollywood film reel is complete!” he said, producing and holding above his head the single product. “I think they said it’s got Fast and Furious 12 on it!” A toxic green chemical cloud was ejected into the air as the crowd broke into applause.

Guest Writer- Derek Degraad

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