Tag Archives: Satire

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5 Reasons You Should Let Me Come to Your Kid’s Birthday Party

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Here in Rochester we only have so much time to enjoy ourselves during the day. Between work, drinking, and nodding off in the passing lane of 390, we don’t have a lot of time to really enjoy ourselves. But our kids? Those little shits are smiling 24-7.

Take your son, Brendan. I’ve seen that kid run up and down the block with his little gaggle of barely double digit friends without a care in the world. Water gun fights, playing pretend, lego battles, this kid’s got entertainment flying out of every part of him.

Plus, I know his birthday is coming up, so maybe consider throwing little ol’ me a bone and let me hang out at your kids birthday party.

Whoa! Hey whoa c’mon, here are 5 reasons why you really don’t have to call the police right now.

1: I am super lonely– I get why you thought it was a sexual thing, creepy guy next door, watches your kids a lot, but I’m not trying to plow any kids here. House arrest gets lonely and after a couple weeks of guilt racked thought you just need to get out. Plus the range on my ankle bracelet ends at the back of your yard, so-

2: Sara is still in a coma– Look, when I nodded off after smashing half a needle of the good stuff blasting down 390 how was I supposed to know that we would crash and my sweet Sara would fall into a coma? C’mon, I need a little pick me up.

3: I promise I won’t touch your kids– Please, please i just want to be near some fun. I wont look at them, I wont talk to them, hell, I can just hang out with all of the adults there! Just to talk and meet some of the neighbors and maybe make some friends.

4: Before you ask, Ill probably bring some heroin to your kids party– Absolutely, without a question of a doubt. It’s not a party until we break out the Brown Sugar amirite?

5: I could also bring your kid like, a gift or something– Look, I can’t physically leave my house to an extent. I have some ash trays and a Gideon Bible I stole from a hotel I could part with, but other than that I’m just bare bonesing it right now.

So? What do you say? I know your kids birthday was like a month ago, but wouldn’t he be stoked for another party? You ready to have a failing 38 year old give your kids, and the neighbor kids, hard lessons on life while dipping in and out of consciousness?

Please don’t. No put the phone down…ugh. Well its not a violation of parole to just ask  now is it?!

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5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

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Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/vovui5mwzxyeuwfteshc.jpg

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

http://www.jurassicworlduniverse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/elliesattler02.jpg

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: F***ing Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO F*** UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and f***ing shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

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Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

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Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

Rochester Thunderdome App

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

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All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

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Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

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5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

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Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Boner Juice, a shitty skull drawing.

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

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5 Reasons I Became An Atheist

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  1. The Communion wafers were stale.

I don’t consider myself high class or anything, but is it too much to ask for a little crunch?

  1. I have introduced myself to Mr. Jenkins at least fifteen times by now.

After about the seventh time, I really started to question my faith. I know Mr. Jenkins is old, but I see him every week. Come on.

  1. The wafers are stale, like really stale.

Look, I’m not expecting a five-class restaurant. It’s just, I know the Church has zip-loc bags in the kitchen, are they not using them?

  1. The Universe is a spinning void of complete nothingness that lacks any semblance of order, there is no fathomable way we are created or ruled by an Omnipotent entity.

Honestly, this was just a little thing on top of the wafer issue.

  1. The wafers were stale.

How can there be a God if the metaphorical representation of his supposed son are so gross and chewy?

 

 

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6 Ways You Tell Yourself You’re A Good Person Even Though You Started The Fire That Killed Grandpa When You Were 10

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  1. You Donate Blood — One donation of blood saves three people, that’s amazing. That’s three times the amount of people you killed with your careless use of those fireworks.
  2. You Volunteer — You ring the bell for the Salvation Army every holiday season. Every holiday season you think about why you had to aim those bottle rockets at the window of the room your grandpa was taking a nap.
  3. You Have Two Beautiful Children — They rely on you for unconditional love which you provide in great supply. Hopefully they don’t have any catastrophic accidents befall them and haunt them into adulthood.
  4. You Apologized To God — You’re not even sure you believe in god but you just want it off your conscience at this point. It’s not like you wanted your grandpa to die from excessive smoke inhalation and 2nd degree burns. You were a dumb kid. Dumb kids make mistakes. Yours just resulted in the death of a relative.
  5. You Sought The Proper Psychiatric Help — Dr Morrison says you need to forgive yourself in order to move on but how could he ever understand? He didn’t have to deal with the darkest day in your family’s history since great aunt Eleanor jumped off her balcony to her death.
  6. He Was Pretty Old Anyway — This part is a bit of rationalizing the situation but at least it wasn’t dad or mom. It was grandpa and you loved him but…Jesus Christ what are you saying, you’re literally the worst grandson of all time.
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Local Graffiti Artists Angered Over Banksy Mural

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Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.

I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf. 
Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]

I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs.
Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]

Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.

Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here.
Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]

Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).

I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless.
Kwivver [????]

The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.

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