Outside Squirrels to Blame for Inciting Violence at Seneca Park Zoo

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted at the Seneca Park Zoo Saturday night after countless animals were released from their cages. They rampaged across the park and into the surrounding neighborhood, leaving copious amounts of dung and fur in their wake. 

The Rochester Police department tried to quell the violence but were forced to fall back after Bill the Rhinoceros flipped over multiple police cruisers. The SWAT team was soon called in and armed with tranquilizers, squeaky toys and milkbones, they quickly brought the rampage to an end.

At a press conference Sunday morning, Police Chief Singletary announced to the public that the animal riot was incited by outside squirrels. 

“This was the work of professional rodent agitators,” the police chief said, “what happened here today could only have been accomplished by anarchist squirrels.”

The Singletary said they made this conclusion after officers reported being pelted by large acorns and witnesses told police they saw hundreds of red and black squirrels in the vicinity of the Zoo.

“We will not allow our lovely community of caged animals to be tarnished by the work of professional squirrel agitators.”

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