By Master Craftsman Kyle Baker
It’s time for Christmas! While we’re getting jingle bells deep with peppermint mochas and Michael Bublé radio, it’s time to decorate your home for the holidays. The catch? You’re poor and the person you used to see for 3 years is now dating Mark from Men’s Warehouse. Any shred of happiness and dignity you have has gone into the trash with the turkey bones from Thanksgiving and the plastic tupperware containers your aunt let you “borrow;” who the fuck actually cleans and returns those? Anyway, here are some DIY craft ideas you can do in the discomfort of your own home instead of showering and going to Michael’s.
1. ‘I Voted Today’ Christmas Sprinkles
This one’s easy. So you got day drunk before voting to avoid the potential (lol surprise we’re doomed) reality of having Thanos elected president. While leaving the booths, you thought it’d be a great idea to grab a handful of ‘I Voted Today’ stickers to put all over your bumper. Well your car may or may not have ran away and found its way into the Genesee so you’re stuck with all these stickers. Take some scissors, cut them up into tiny pieces, and sprinkle over the tiny, fake Christmas tree your mom got you when you moved out; it lights up even!
2. Used Tissue Snowballs
Okay, keep that tree out, we have some more decorating to do. Look at your floor. See all those tissues? The unhappy ones, I mean. Yep, you guessed it… there’s a use for them. Ball them up in your hands; the fresher, the easier it’ll be to form. Put at the base of your sad tree and it’ll look like there’s snowballs there! While you’re up, throw the happy tissues in the trash.
3. Cigarette Box Stockings
Tis’ the season for chain smoking! If it were Christmas Eve night, Santa might accidentally confuse you for a chimney! If you smoke Marlboro Lights, Menthol, or Regular, this little sad project will work much better given the gold, green, and red thematic coloring. Rip out the foil lining and empty any excess tobacco flakes left in the box. Now, fill them with little trinkets and treats like matches from Sunoco or leftover Tootsie Rolls from Halloween. Your nieces and nephews will be so happy but your sister-in-law won’t be. Just remind yourself you’re better than the people she follows on Etsy.
So whatever, Patricia left. It doesn’t matter, you’re your own man! You can find plenty of people to kiss underneath the mistletoe… not drunk at a bar. Instead of throwing all of her stuff in the garbage, repurpose some for the apartment! Take some shrubs from the Rosemary plant you two bought together at The Garden Factory in the spring when things were going great (or least so you thought), tie some together with dental floss and holiday Hershey Kisses wrappers, and you got your mistletoe! We’re millennials, no one buys mistletoe so you can easily pull it off. Shit, you could use arborvitaes from your neighbor’s hedges and no one would know the difference. What am I saying, no one is coming over anyway?
5. Cam’s Pizza Box Christmas Stars
Unfortunately you live in the reality where people are still being fire hosed and Death Eaters are being appointed to major government positions, instead of Whovillians coming to together to hold hands, stars twinkling, and all that other horse shit. Luckily to ease into your dissociative episode, you can have your own stars to wish upon! Take those Cam’s pizza boxes you have lying around, cut them into stars, and hang them in your windows for onlookers to marvel at! You get an extra 10% off your next order at Cam’s if you have the logo right in the center of the star!
That’s it. Feel free to be creative with these ideas! Good luck making it to New Years!