Rochester, NY- When Jennifer Landis was 21 years old the spirit of a familiar but evil presence possessed her while she was driving southbound on route 590. She told police that the car filled with the aroma of a distillery and her vision began to blur; as she lost control of the wheel and veered into the left lane, hitting the guard rail and swerving back into traffic. Jennifer told police at the scene that this was her first supernatural experience, and from that day on she would devote her life to investigating the paranormal.

“I felt groggy and dizzy,” Ms. Landis said, referring to the accident 20 years ago. “I was driving home after partying, I mean… uh… studying at a friends house and I became overrun with the urge to cry over an empty pint of ice cream and call all of my ex boyfriends”.

Jennifer Landis built her long standing paranormal career after this terrifying experience. She has investigated hundreds of paranormal claims throughout Western New York with an astounding record of absolutely zero supernatural activity. That is, until late Saturday night when she was again returning home from a friends house and she lost control of her car for the second time.

Police Officer and Skeptic Prick Craig Downs was hesitant to believe her story, however. He honestly believed that Jennifer was under the influence of alcohol and lying to police about having supernatural abilities, like a skeptic prick.

“[Jennifer] was clearly driving while intoxicated”, said the prick. “She stumbled out of her car screaming ‘I’m psychic bitch, don’t touch me’. She could barely stand, the car reeked of alcohol, and when I asked her to take a field sobriety test she just kept saying ‘can’t, too possessed’ and ‘not at fault, bitch. You can’t touch this'”.

The skeptic prick went on to say “I mean, how f***ing gullible are you people”.

No one will ever know what happened to Jennifer on those terrifying nights. All we can say is, f*** that skeptic prick.

In a completely depraved and shameless act of extreme sluttiness, Jeff Langdon made his profile picture one of himself in the bathroom of Chipotle with his entire upper body exposed to the Tinder community.

Declaring that he just wanted to let the world know he’s not ashamed of his body, even with the Godsmack logo on his abdomen, Jeff faced scorn from a society that almost universally finds this sort of smut to be self indulgent and egotistical.

“Disgusting. How does he expect me to take him seriously with that sort of smut? He’s clearly just a dirty whore who wants attention.” Said fellow Tinder user Melanie Rogers

“I just think if he wants me to respect him, he needs to start dressing like he doesn’t want me to f*** him and leave him. Clearly has some mommy issues.” Said Jeff’s Mom, who also uses Tinder.

Still Mr. Langdon has his supporters who say this is a “men’s rights” issue. “He’s taking a stand against these oppressive feminists who just want us to stop loving ourselves and would rather promote their bullshit equality cause whatever the f*** that means” said Chase Hammond, while high fiving a fellow shirtless bro at their frat’s “F***a Fat Chick” night. Celebrity penis with a beard Dan Bilzerian Retweeted his story to his loyal minions of sexual predators and said “it’s time us men stood up for our rights as we are now the minority in this country.”

Jeff could not be reached for comment since he was continuing to take shirtless selfies and swiping right without any discrimination, a true hero to all men who face the scorn of vicious attacks on their appearance in all forms of social media and online dating.