Tag Archives: comedyblog

Activists Shocked to Find Out That People can suck

Several activists from different social change movements have stepped forth with a shocking new discovery. After asking basic ‘Get to know you’ ice breaker questions to members of their respective groups they found that most, if not all of them, had personal traits or practices considered morally wrong. What follows are testimonials by those who found out that their organizations were full of shitty people.

Sarah Respoch, of Rochester’s grassroots campaign to stop voter suppression, had this to say about several members:

“Well, it just struck me as odd that we had so many sophomore poli-sci kids from around the area come and go. They always seemed so eager to join up and help the movement! They’d help educate people and join us at rallies, but then at the end of the summer they’d go back to school and never come back. I talked to one of them, he was a U of R guy, and all he had to say was ‘yeah, its better than an internship ’cause I get paid, and if I get one of the booth people to sign a sheet it counts as one anyways’. It…It’s like they don’t even care about the message, they just see the organization and the people as objects used as a means to an end.”

Gerard LeBouif, a local leader of a chapter of the Vegan Anti-GMO movement told us:

“Like, I had known [REDACTED] for years, he helped found the chapter here. Me and him were close friends! We even came from the same class at U of R. I had no idea that he was a registered sex offender. I asked him a week ago, point blank, ‘do you have a criminal record?’ and he said ‘yeah’ like it was nothing! He’s been in my house, with my kids , before. It’s like I never really took the time to know the guy.”

Bram Stepford, leader of the Young Republicans Club, and the  Delta Iota Chi Kappa fraternity at the University of Rochester, noticed this about some of his comrades:

“I found out Chet had never even drugged and sexually assaulted any of the sorority girls at our weekly bi-annual mixers. Like, never once! He never called anybody a n***er, or a s**c, or a w*****k, or a c**t, or a dick-weed, or a k**e, or”

He went on for some time listing various racial slurs and offensive slang,

“…he never skipped classes to get blackout drunk, and he didn’t even go here as a safety school! Like, he is paying for his own education and joined the frat thinking it would be a close knit community of brothers that shared a common profession or interest! Like, and but, like, and he just really believed in the republican cause and saw it as a way to better the political landscape of the country. Such a boner killer, you know?”

And finally, from the Rochester Socialists Union, Rebecca Sheppard had this to say:

“Well, its kind of an awkward situation, we’re in the middle of discussion of how to proceed. Okay, the short of it is that we have been involved closely with the Rochester Black Lives Matter movement for some time now. We believe that equality should exist in all forms and that no one group should be in complete power. We were excited to see so many people start joining in to rally and protest with us, but they would disappear after one or two rallies. It turns out they were just trying to be in pictures so that they could bolster their social media profiles and get bragging rights. I think the most disgusting example was one guy who came from U of R, he was at the front of every protest once the photographers came out, he kept claiming he was in NYC during the Occupy Wall Street protests and got beaten by police, but whenever he went near any person of color, he would immediately change into this gross stereotype, desperately trying to fist-bump people and saying “wassup homie?” or “whats good, blood?” it…it was disgusting to say the least.”

It’s sad to say that individuals in any given cause can turn out to be the complete opposite of who we thought they were. Some people try to use groups dedicated to social, political, or economic change to wash over who they are as an individual, rather than let their individuality dictate how others see them, as shitty, awful, terrible, awful people.

All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Boner Juice, a shitty skull drawing.

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

“Mystic” Kind of Predicts Prince’s Death

It was a slow news day today, so it came as a surprise when several local men (large, awful, sweaty men) came bursting into the Inner Loop office. They were panting something terrible and it certainly wasn’t words.

“What are you saying?” Our chief editor squeaked, his tiny mouth quivering on the bottom of his huge, terrible head, “WE NEED THIS SCOOP GUYS!”

After what seemed like an eternity of sweat and panting, the most porcine of the lot lifted his head, and with the filthy voice of some grand swine gurgled out, “She knew it would happen! She predicted that Prince would die!”

So we followed them back to the Mystic’s lair, a one room Air BnB rental in a trailer park outside of Lima, NY.

When we went inside, it smelled great, but looked like a carnival shit-house. The dust was frothing and every grease stain seemed to have its own family. Truly, this was the home of a very powerful wizard, or a very annoying necromancer at the least.

“….I-” boomed the voice of a small child in the back portion of the one room, “-Have seen what cannot be unseen!”

Oh yeah. Mystic shit is abound dear reader.

“So you are the mystic that predicted the exact time of Princes death?” Inner Loop Chief Editor squawked like a damp, flightless bird, “How did you know!?”

The mystic drew a deep breath. Here is a photocopy of the drawing:

https://wellplayedmusic.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/deep-breath.jpg

Then she said, “Back in 2009, I told everyone that people who were famous in the 70’s and 80’s would probably start dying in the next 50 years”

We were shocked. She was definitely not wrong. We were dumbstruck. Dumbfounded. Definitely an appropriate amount of surprised

Ladies and Gentleman, psychics are among us. It is our duty as mothers and Americans to round them up and put them into cages, lest they use their powers to tell us other things. Like what time breakfast should be, or why your dad sometimes doesn’t pick up the first time you call.

We started with this terrible mystic, and now its up to you. God Bless America, and good luck.

Bathroom Riots at Blue Cross as Local Man Makes Sandwich

Rochester, NY – Brandon Crater, a local Corn Hill Landing man, was browsing his Facebook feed and happened upon an Intranet Meeem about trans-gendered bathrooms being a result of President Obamas administration.

“I know it was only one of those 4Chans,” said Crater. “But it really messed with my jimmies. It was a picture of President Bush with the caption ‘When I was in office, people knew what bathroom to use.’ I don’t really care too much for the intranets or the meeems on it, but it just made me uncomfortable. Trans gendered people have been using bathrooms they’ve been comfortable with for decades. The only people making it difficult are the old and bigoted white men that make laws that encourage intolerance.”

Brandon Crater responded to the meeem with a quick Facebook post then went into his kitchen to make a sandwich. When he returned to his desk, he looked outside of his Corn Hill apartment building and saw the flames and anarchy he had created downtown.

“I got back to my computer and had over five hundred notifications. At first I just kept laughing and eating my turkey on rye. I don’t care all that much about the movement because it doesn’t affect me. I still find it really funny that I created that much argument from one joke post on Facebook.”

“When I saw the riots downtown and all my friends that were posting on my status were throwing Molotov Cocktails into the windows at Blue Cross, all I could do was laugh because it was so funny how butt hurt all of these people got in the matter of seconds.”

The riots will forever be known as the Adult Infidelity Defecation Scuffle or AIDS for short.

5 Signs Your Drug Dealer is Still in High School

Rochester, NY- We’re adults here. There is no need to be rude, to pass judgement, or to be anxious. You just gotta walk up to his 95′ Subaru Outback, knock on the window and give him this fistful of hamilton’s that have been burning a hole in your pocket for a week. It’s gonna help you relax, and your other dealer told you this guy was good until he re-ups.

Alright. Knock on the window. Hand him the sweaty money. Get bag. Hold on…Something isn’t right here…

  1. This is definitely Oregano in a bag- Like, Im 26, I can tell what is weed and what is oregano. This is f***ing oregano. Who the f***thinks they can get away with selling oregano?
  2. You definitely sold oregano when you were in high school- Everyone knew that one kid who would buy anything if you told him it would get him high. Johnny sold him some laundry lint and told him it was PCP, kid came in the next day saying he tripped for a week, everyone laughed; good joke on an idiot. But it takes balls to sell a sandwich bag of not-weed to an older guy.
  3. Shit, is it rude to check it in front of him?- I mean, he definitely wouldn’t sell to you again if you do that, and you have another week or so before you other guy  re-ups. Damn, I’m in a tight spot.
  4. Wait, what movie is that from?- Shit, its that Coen Brothers movie…which one was it. It had George Clooney and…John Turturro? Why the f***can I remember him but not the name of the f***in…it was like depression era? Oh! OH!
  5. “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”!- Ah Man! I love that movie! aww, I definitely got to get real weed and watch that movie again. Wait where did he go?

F***ing shit. Well, serves me right for buying 6 separate dime bags of weed on a Thursday afternoon in a high-school parking lot. F***ing teens.

Im gonna go huff spray paint in my garage and watch A Bugs Life, f*** it.

Protests erupt across Monroe County as Jenna’s parents terminate cable subscription

Webster, NY– Hundreds of residents took to the streets Thursday evening after losing access to their HBO Go logins thanks to Jenna Hartree’s cheap ass parents cancelling their contract with Time Warner Cable. Sources for The Inner Loop Blog say as many as 2,000 may lose access to the service mere days before the season 6 premiere of Game of Thrones. Carl and Edith Hartree, of Webster, said in a statement they chose to end their cable television service as part of an effort to cut back on expenses in their retirement, and had no idea their daughter had been sharing their HBO password with so many people. The couple also denounced the protests and vowed they would not back down from the decision, mentioning that re-runs of The Big Bang Theory on CBS were the only television programs they really cared about anyway.

Demonstrators on Monroe Ave. and in the South Wedge have so far remained largely peaceful while carrying signs and chanting slogans such as “No John Oliver, No Peace,” and “Burn It Down, Burn It Down, True Detective, Eastbound And Down.”

“I was like, 2 episodes away from finishing The Jynx, and now I just don’t know what I’m going to do on Friday night,” said Brad Edsel, 23, a protester we caught up with on Meigs St. His despair was echoed by dozens of other 20-something baristas, grad students, and starving artist types who had all been looking forward to binge watching The Leftovers and drinking red wine alone with their cats this weekend.

We reached out to Jenna Hartree for comment by writing “Why your parents gotta be so lame?” On a cocktail napkin, tying it to a brick and throwing it through her apartment window, but her spokesperson has declined to comment.
Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article misidentified a protester’s sign as reading, “Orange Is The New Black Lives Matter,” which was actually from an earlier demonstration after Greg’s stupid ex-girlfriend changed her Netflix password

An Open Letter to People Writing Open Letters

Stop It. For the love of God, please. I know it’s you Carol. I know that it is you writing all of these open letters because Devon left you. But Jesus Christ woman, get a grip. All of your stories are awful, and they don’t make sense. Between “An Open Letter to My Absentee Dad” to “An Open Letter to My Over Protective Father” I can tell that you have as big of a problem with continuity as Donald Trump has with Mexicans – you know it’s around, so you offensively disregard it anyway.

Do us all a favor, close your MacBook and leave whatever Starbucks you are over infesting with your patchouli scented book bag and your cis-normative femscum bullshit. Go back to your whatever Ann Coulter novel is ‘speaking to you’ this month and leave us alone.

Trump Rally And NAMBLA Clash Heads Over Convention Center

Rochester, NY- A surprising turn of events has now seen Donald Trump’s political machine having to slow its tour because of a scheduling conflict.

The Rochester Tech Park was already booked for the national meeting of the NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association), a group that advocates for pedophiles and child molesters.

Talks were heated Saturday when Trump’s campaign argued that their needs were greater, and that the campaign had had the reservation for nearly a week. The boy touchers merely grunted at this and started staring at nearby children.

After a busy Saturday of discussion over who would eventually use the Tech Park, they came to an agreement that both could use it at the same time.

Katrina Pierson, Trump’s campaign spokesperson, publicly announced that “Trump supporters and registered child molesters have much in common, and will be able to share the space with relative ease, since there was already so much cross-pollination between groups.”

Donald Trump refused to comment because he was too busy eating farts.

Both rallies are happening today at the Rochester Tech Park and will be followed by a private Q&A press conference for Trump with local news teams, and the NAMBLA “Boy Wranglin'” event, in which NAMBLA members invite their fellow Trump supporters to help them round up all of the little boys in the area.

Suicide Rate in Political Cartoonists Continues to Rise

Rochester, NY- Today, as with many other days in our fair city, we again find absent a clumsy statement on the political landscape in cartoon form. Instead of some gross generalization of our country by a cartoonist of a generation past, again we find a suicide note from yet another political cartoonist in the newspaper.

What started out as a shocking trend has now become a daily reality to most people. Day after day of this year, we’ve seen political cartoonist after political cartoonist paste a tear soaked apology, or a blood soaked tirade, right into The City Newspaper.

“Honestly, nobody gives a shit,” Says City Newspaper chief editor Ethan Bauchman, “Like the first few times we were like, ‘aw man thats pretty sad,’ but after a while we just kind of saw it as a plus.”

Due to this increased suicide rate, readership of newspapers have actually increased ten fold over the last 4 months. Trend analysts are speculating that this meteoric rise of newspaper readership is involved directly to people not having to see “shitty f***ing idiot scribbles about Bernie or Trump in my goddamn paper, I want to f***ing get to Heathcliff without a goddamn sermon.”

“We are trying to OPEN your EYES-” opens the most recent of many new suicide notes sent to the newspaper editorial staff, “Our humor is meant to incite something…to (bring about) a curiosity about the world we live in! we aren’t ‘reaching for low hanging fruit’ or ‘not being funny’…we are bringing politics and humor TOGETHER, but none of you are good enough to see th-”

After reading out loud the note to Inner Loop staff, the newspaper editor giggled, then crumpled up the note and threw it into a pile of others. Chucking to himself, “Honestly, this guy’s cartoons were actually pretty good. But they were also about Supply Side vs. Keynesian economic strategies in relation to poverty rates rising in urban areas since the Clinton administration. Nobody gives a f*** about that.”