Tag Archives: Comedy

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5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

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Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/vovui5mwzxyeuwfteshc.jpg

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

http://www.jurassicworlduniverse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/elliesattler02.jpg

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: F***ing Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO F*** UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and f***ing shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

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Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

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Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

Rochester Thunderdome App

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

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Activists Shocked to Find Out That People can suck

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Several activists from different social change movements have stepped forth with a shocking new discovery. After asking basic ‘Get to know you’ ice breaker questions to members of their respective groups they found that most, if not all of them, had personal traits or practices considered morally wrong. What follows are testimonials by those who found out that their organizations were full of shitty people.

Sarah Respoch, of Rochester’s grassroots campaign to stop voter suppression, had this to say about several members:

“Well, it just struck me as odd that we had so many sophomore poli-sci kids from around the area come and go. They always seemed so eager to join up and help the movement! They’d help educate people and join us at rallies, but then at the end of the summer they’d go back to school and never come back. I talked to one of them, he was a U of R guy, and all he had to say was ‘yeah, its better than an internship ’cause I get paid, and if I get one of the booth people to sign a sheet it counts as one anyways’. It…It’s like they don’t even care about the message, they just see the organization and the people as objects used as a means to an end.”

Gerard LeBouif, a local leader of a chapter of the Vegan Anti-GMO movement told us:

“Like, I had known [REDACTED] for years, he helped found the chapter here. Me and him were close friends! We even came from the same class at U of R. I had no idea that he was a registered sex offender. I asked him a week ago, point blank, ‘do you have a criminal record?’ and he said ‘yeah’ like it was nothing! He’s been in my house, with my kids , before. It’s like I never really took the time to know the guy.”

Bram Stepford, leader of the Young Republicans Club, and the  Delta Iota Chi Kappa fraternity at the University of Rochester, noticed this about some of his comrades:

“I found out Chet had never even drugged and sexually assaulted any of the sorority girls at our weekly bi-annual mixers. Like, never once! He never called anybody a n***er, or a s**c, or a w*****k, or a c**t, or a dick-weed, or a k**e, or”

He went on for some time listing various racial slurs and offensive slang,

“…he never skipped classes to get blackout drunk, and he didn’t even go here as a safety school! Like, he is paying for his own education and joined the frat thinking it would be a close knit community of brothers that shared a common profession or interest! Like, and but, like, and he just really believed in the republican cause and saw it as a way to better the political landscape of the country. Such a boner killer, you know?”

And finally, from the Rochester Socialists Union, Rebecca Sheppard had this to say:

“Well, its kind of an awkward situation, we’re in the middle of discussion of how to proceed. Okay, the short of it is that we have been involved closely with the Rochester Black Lives Matter movement for some time now. We believe that equality should exist in all forms and that no one group should be in complete power. We were excited to see so many people start joining in to rally and protest with us, but they would disappear after one or two rallies. It turns out they were just trying to be in pictures so that they could bolster their social media profiles and get bragging rights. I think the most disgusting example was one guy who came from U of R, he was at the front of every protest once the photographers came out, he kept claiming he was in NYC during the Occupy Wall Street protests and got beaten by police, but whenever he went near any person of color, he would immediately change into this gross stereotype, desperately trying to fist-bump people and saying “wassup homie?” or “whats good, blood?” it…it was disgusting to say the least.”

It’s sad to say that individuals in any given cause can turn out to be the complete opposite of who we thought they were. Some people try to use groups dedicated to social, political, or economic change to wash over who they are as an individual, rather than let their individuality dictate how others see them, as shitty, awful, terrible, awful people.

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All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

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Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

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5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

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Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Boner Juice, a shitty skull drawing.

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

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Lifestyles: How 4 Sleepless Nights and Crippling Depression Helped Me Project Positivity Towards My Body Image

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Nobody can accurately prepare you for life. All of the twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights, car crashes that leave you addicted to opioids, and various diagonals. But it isn’t all terrible, in fact, some of the best parts of life can sneak up on you at your absolute lowest.

Now lets set some hypotheticals: Lets say you might have insomnia. You might not have slept for more than 6 hours in the past week, causing the very fabric of your existence to have a fish-eye-lens outline to it. Hypothetically of course.

Secondly, lets say that maybe your only way to get to and from the dream job you got a month ago had it’s break lines cut by the guy you thought was just a little too “red flag” clingy after you two had been hooking up after meeting off of Grindr. And lets say that that caused you to have some trouble getting to work, in the sense that careening through a red light and t-boning someone causing the front of the car to replace where your lap was can prevent you from getting to your job. And lets say that the person you t-boned had waaaaaayyy better lawyers than you, resulting not only in a damages lawsuit but in your insurance premium sky-rocketing, all of that on top of the surgery and physical therapy costs. Again, all of this is hypothetical.

As, possibly, a personal physical fitness trainer who’s legs are now kind of inside out, you are probably a little lacking in the confidence department. Hospital bills and painkiller labels are the only two things you can really stand reading anymore, and pudding cups prove easier to prepare than protein and vitamin rich home cooked meals.

But you know what? All things considered, you still look pretty good! The only workout you got in the past 2 weeks might have just been crying until you dry heave, but Gosh darnit, you are still just as good looking as ever, hell, even better!

In a twist that is as karmic as it is ironic, you now have a very real appreciation for all of the people you’ve been, again hypothetically, helping workout and reach their ideal body image. But really, this isn’t so bad! I’m- …You’re not stressing out about calorie intake, needing to run 5 miles a day, and you certainly aren’t judging people at the store for how they look anymore.

So don’t worry! It might be the Percocet you just popped, but life is looking pretty okay, and so are you!

Also, change your phone number. Grindr guy keeps trying to text mean jokes about brake lines being cut. Its less that it’s creepy, and more that he just cant get any of the jokes to land quite right.

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Murals Come to Life as Wage Gap becomes Irrelevant

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Rochester, NY – Nearly 15 years ago Rochester’s resident witch doctor, Nuala Abuntu, came out of her decrepit tomb beneath the abandon subway track and screamed her visions of lattes, late model Toyota Corollas, and giants with bowler caps and handlebar moustaches.

“It will start with the farmers markets,” Nuala said, in early 2002. “Then the land will be sold and renovation will befall the city. Thousands will leave and thousands more will come. Hipsters will look upon our pain as art and our murals will come alive to greet them.”

Well after years of gentrification, the witch doctors prophecy has finally come true. So far, sixteen murals from Park Ave to Gregory Street have come to life and started asking passers by where the best ‘fro-yo’ is in Rochester. We all know it’s Yotallity, but just to be safe we’ve all agreed to only tell them about Hoopla. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a technicoloured Bob Marley coming in and eating all the peanut M&Ms and jimmies.

It is estimated that by this time next week all of the murals in downtown will have gained their sentience and fine motor skills. It is also projected that all job applications to Pour Coffee and Joe Bean will be placed on hold until the walls are raised at least 6 feet.

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WNBA LA Sparks sign cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan to 12 year contract.

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In a move that sent shock waves throughout the loyal community dozens of WNBA fans, the Sparks (which is rumored some kind of women’s basketball team in Los Angeles) finalized a 12 year, $1,372  contract with a 20-year-old promotional cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan from Space Jam.

“I was at the local Goodwill looking through the jackets for old change, ya know sometimes people donate them without even checking the pockets.” said LA Sparks CEO Paula Madison as she huddle around a raging trash can fire she and the rest of the team owners had created in the alley behind the STAPLES center.

“All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw the cutout. We just lost our Starting Guard because she got a job offer from the local Denny’s, so the timing was just right for us to make a move.”

The signing comes hot on the heels of the controversial move made by the New York Liberty to end their contract with their former Point guard, a literal can of tuna fish, in order to sign a 6 year contract with that one rat who was video taped carrying around a piece of pizza in the subway.

“Alot of exciting things are happening in the WNBA!” said the leagues president Lisa Borders, as she fashioned a noose out of an old telephone wire.

 

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“Mystic” Kind of Predicts Prince’s Death

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It was a slow news day today, so it came as a surprise when several local men (large, awful, sweaty men) came bursting into the Inner Loop office. They were panting something terrible and it certainly wasn’t words.

“What are you saying?” Our chief editor squeaked, his tiny mouth quivering on the bottom of his huge, terrible head, “WE NEED THIS SCOOP GUYS!”

After what seemed like an eternity of sweat and panting, the most porcine of the lot lifted his head, and with the filthy voice of some grand swine gurgled out, “She knew it would happen! She predicted that Prince would die!”

So we followed them back to the Mystic’s lair, a one room Air BnB rental in a trailer park outside of Lima, NY.

When we went inside, it smelled great, but looked like a carnival shit-house. The dust was frothing and every grease stain seemed to have its own family. Truly, this was the home of a very powerful wizard, or a very annoying necromancer at the least.

“….I-” boomed the voice of a small child in the back portion of the one room, “-Have seen what cannot be unseen!”

Oh yeah. Mystic shit is abound dear reader.

“So you are the mystic that predicted the exact time of Princes death?” Inner Loop Chief Editor squawked like a damp, flightless bird, “How did you know!?”

The mystic drew a deep breath. Here is a photocopy of the drawing:

https://wellplayedmusic.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/deep-breath.jpg

Then she said, “Back in 2009, I told everyone that people who were famous in the 70’s and 80’s would probably start dying in the next 50 years”

We were shocked. She was definitely not wrong. We were dumbstruck. Dumbfounded. Definitely an appropriate amount of surprised

Ladies and Gentleman, psychics are among us. It is our duty as mothers and Americans to round them up and put them into cages, lest they use their powers to tell us other things. Like what time breakfast should be, or why your dad sometimes doesn’t pick up the first time you call.

We started with this terrible mystic, and now its up to you. God Bless America, and good luck.

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Bathroom Riots at Blue Cross as Local Man Makes Sandwich

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Rochester, NY – Brandon Crater, a local Corn Hill Landing man, was browsing his Facebook feed and happened upon an Intranet Meeem about trans-gendered bathrooms being a result of President Obamas administration.

“I know it was only one of those 4Chans,” said Crater. “But it really messed with my jimmies. It was a picture of President Bush with the caption ‘When I was in office, people knew what bathroom to use.’ I don’t really care too much for the intranets or the meeems on it, but it just made me uncomfortable. Trans gendered people have been using bathrooms they’ve been comfortable with for decades. The only people making it difficult are the old and bigoted white men that make laws that encourage intolerance.”

Brandon Crater responded to the meeem with a quick Facebook post then went into his kitchen to make a sandwich. When he returned to his desk, he looked outside of his Corn Hill apartment building and saw the flames and anarchy he had created downtown.

“I got back to my computer and had over five hundred notifications. At first I just kept laughing and eating my turkey on rye. I don’t care all that much about the movement because it doesn’t affect me. I still find it really funny that I created that much argument from one joke post on Facebook.”

“When I saw the riots downtown and all my friends that were posting on my status were throwing Molotov Cocktails into the windows at Blue Cross, all I could do was laugh because it was so funny how butt hurt all of these people got in the matter of seconds.”

The riots will forever be known as the Adult Infidelity Defecation Scuffle or AIDS for short.