Rochester NY – Tired of Lyft or Uber? Too uncoordinated for a rental scooter? The Kia Boys have you covered with their new rideshare app called Joyride.

The local car thieves promise users a unique and exhilarating “stolen ride” experience with a fleet of Kia and Hyundais driven by the finest carjackers in town.

“We wanted to disrupt the rideshare industry and give people a truly memorable experience,” said the app’s founder, who goes by the alias Movement Dat Inspires. “We believe that getting from point A to point B should be an adventure, not just a boring commute.”

Joyride works just like any other rideshare app, with users able to request a ride using their smartphones. Users will be greeted by a mysterious figure wearing a ski mask and freshly broken glass on their seat.

Local law enforcement is less thrilled about the new venture. “This is a blatant disregard for the law, and we cannot condone or support criminal activity in any form,” stated The Innerloop Blog’s anonymous RPD contact. “But at the same time, you can’t beat these prices.”

The rates are a fraction of the major rideshare apps mostly due to the “accomplice clause” in the online waiver app users have to sign. Since you will be a part of a crime in progress, you will only be asked to pay the driver’s bail as well as your own if caught by the RPD.

Rochester, NY – Members of the Delta Kapa Omega fraternity at the University of Rochester are in a race against the clock attempt to guzzle down the last 100 kegs of beer Genesee Brewing needs to complete their annual Christmas tree display.

Fraternity president Chad Suxton spoke candidly about the predicament: “The brewery came to us for help last weekend and we’ve been drinking since Saturday. But there are only so many pledges we can haze you know?”

The fraternity’s dedicated members have been hosting round-the-clock keg parties, beer pong tournaments, and even something called “Kegs-mas” to finish the beer. That’s where you have to butt-chug beers while caroling. Our on-scene reporter said it’s gross but also oddly moving.

Local authorities have expressed concerns about the fraternity’s marathon drinking session, citing noise complaints, disturbances, and a steady amount of UberEats drivers dropping off garbage plates.

Rochester NY – In a shocking turn of events last night, local man Gary Thompson embarked on a perilous Thanksgiving Eve mission to secure the elusive cranberry sauce at Wegmans. Little did he know, his choice would leave his marriage hanging by a thread.

Sources report that Gary, armed with a shopping list and a misguided sense of culinary bravery, waded through the crowded aisles like a cranberry-seeking warrior. Witnesses say he navigated the cranberry sauce section with the finesse of a sommelier, only to emerge with a can of Wegmans Organic Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce. The exact style his wife despises.

Upon Gary’s triumphant return home, his wife, Karen Thompson, was less than pleased. Eyewitnesses report that the atmosphere in the Thompson household shifted from holiday cheer to the tension of a Thanksgiving turkey about to be overcooked.

Karen, visibly exasperated, stated, “I specifically told him to get the Ocean Spray jelly kind because I love the ridges. I even said ‘ridged for my pleasure.’ Like, how hard is it to remember one thing? Now we’re stuck with this cranberry catastrophe, and Thanksgiving is ruined!”

Innerloop Blog sources close to the Thompson family say Gary attempted to salvage the situation by offering to return to Wegmans and exchange the cans. He also told their four children he was going out to “buy a pack of smokes.”

Gary has never smoked cigarettes in his life and was last seen leaving the house at 7:00am Thanksgiving morning. His family is now asking for your help to find him but his wife told our reporters “not to burn a lot of calories on the search.”

Buffalo, NY – In an unprecedented display of priorities, local Western New York man, Dave Couchman, has reportedly decided to take a break from his job search to focus on the crucial task of posting “Fire Sean McDermott” online.

Mr. Couchman, who hasn’t held a steady job since before Josh Allen was drafted, wants the Bills’ head coach Sean McDermott to “join me on EBT.”

“I’ve sent out like five resumes this month, and no one’s called me back,” lamented Couchman. “But you know what? I am confident I can fix my life. I know that McDermott can’t fix the Bills.”

Couchman’s ex-wife Barbara told The Innerloop Blof that if he “put as much effort into job searching as he does into those online rants, he’d have a paycheck by now.”

Mr. Couchman had a job interview last week but was asked to leave after being asked ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ He responded “probably rooting for the mo***r fu****g Dolphins at this rate” and launched into a 20-minute tirade about Sean McDermott and Ken Dorsey.

Irondequoit, NY – A sinkhole formed on St. Paul Boulevard this week and construction crews have been working diligently to repair the road. Today the workers were surprised when Rochester’s famous meat hot sauce started bubbling out of the ground from inside the crater.

“I was in there poking around with my shovel when all of a sudden I started smelling ground beef, chili powder, and cumin,” said Dexter Taylor of Irondequoit. “I yelled to the boys ‘This baby is gonna blow’ and we got out of there just in time.”

While Rochesterians are used to feeling hot sauce eruptions the day after eating a garbage plate, seeing the famous topping shooting out of the ground was quite a sight.

Geologist Mya Wallace says to expect more stories like these in the next few years. “Rochester sits on many deposits of meat hot sauce like this one. Because global warming is contributing to extreme weather events, we will be seeing more sinkholes like this forming, and more people accidentally tapping into these delicious deposits.”

The Innerloop Blog reached out to UDig NY, the phone number you’re supposed to call before breaking ground in your yard, and the service did admit that these wells of meaty goodness are a major concern. “A lot of people think we’re trying to save the public from digging into their home’s gas or power lines… really we just want to make sure no one gets blasted in the face by hot ground beef and lard.”

Rochester, NY – Local uncle and self-proclaimed Buffalo Bills superfan, Bob Thompson, found himself at his 8-year-old nephew’s football practice instead of basking in the glory of the training camp. Unable to secure tickets to the coveted practice sessions at St. John Fisher College, Thompson decided to drown his sorrows in a six-pack of his favorite beer right there on the sidelines.

Sporting his legendary tailgating apron, complete with sauce stains from games gone by, Thompson unleashed his uninhibited enthusiasm on the unsuspecting child athletes. The parents sitting near him originally thought his Interpretive dance moves, slurred motivational speeches, and off-key singing of Bills’ fight song were cute, but it quickly got sad.

“He kept on calling my son Josh,” said Tyler Heathenrow of Henrietta. “The worst part is my kid doesn’t even play quarterback.”

Thompson’s nephew, Timmy, who plays offensive lineman for the team, was seen desperately trying to disassociate himself from his overenthusiastic uncle. “I understand why Grandma and Grandpa told me he’s their least favorite,” Timmy muttered, clearly embarrassed.

Mr. Thompson says he plans to jump on Bills Training Camp tickets much sooner next year but he told us that as he was wetting himself so we find it tough to believe.

Webster, NY – Charlie Riedel’s Restaurant is a huge part of many Websterian diets and now it’s a huge reason why one of them could be going to heaven.

The restaurant just hosted its very first baby baptism this afternoon with the help of a local priest and one of Charlie’s famous pickle buckets. Amid the delightful aroma of sizzling burgers and the faint cries of confused customers, 3-month-old Thomas Aaron Leaven was dunked into the sweet pickles and declared “purified and sanctified with a side of fries!”

While most local religious leaders we spoke to were simply excited to have a story involving a child be published that wasn’t horrific, some did express concerns with the ceremony.

“I’m all for innovation, but there’s something a bit off about dunking a baby in a vat of pickles,” said Pastor Mabel Crispen of the First Congregational Church. “Baptism is a sacred tradition, and it deserves a bit more reverence than being pickled like a cucumber.”

If you’re interested in giving your newborn a brining of a lifetime, simply call or text anyone named Chuck, Charlie, Charles, Chip, or Chas. They will be able to set something up for you.

Penfield, NY – There’s a new restaurant in town and it’s all the east side is talking about. The Bar-Bill Tavern, a staple of Buffalo, just opened up a new location on Empire Boulevard in Penfield and if you want to know how good their food is, all you need to do is ask any of your friends that have been to a Bills game in the past few years.

Most of the Rochesterians that are overly excited about the new Bar-Bill share the same story. They either ate the wings while pregaming at a Buffalo Bills game or got them on the way home from the game. Either way, their BAC while eating said food averaged about .2 or above.

“I don’t remember much about the night I was there but I do remember those wings slap,” says the guy you hang out with that you didn’t invite to your wedding.

Greece, NY – The teddy bear that stole our hearts this week is now breaking them after it was discovered the stuffed animal has gone criminal.

You may have seen the photos of the teddy bear a local woman found abandoned on 104 in Greece and her campaign online to find its rightful owner. What you haven’t seen yet is the shocking update that after no one came forward, the abandoned teddy decided to take to the streets and turn to a life of crime to get by.

“It’s like the Rochester version of Corduroy,” said an RPD officer, “but instead of a lost button, this bear is on the hunt for his next big score.”

The once-huggable creature you saw online has now become a cunning bandit, honing its skills under the cloak of darkness. It used to be a source of comfort, but now its presence strikes fear into all children that cross its path.

According to arrest records sent to The Innerloop Blog by an anonymous source, the bear was caught last night joining in the trend of stealing Kias. Thanks to bail reform and a sympathetic judge who still sleeps with their childhood stuffed animal, the teddy is back out on the streets.

Rochester, NY – A shocking new study has found that if it weren’t for the hallowed tradition of the 7th inning stretch during Rochester Red Wings games, a majority of local citizens would never bother stretching at all. In fact, if the city’s minor-league baseball team did not exist, almost 95% of all Rochesterians would go from the last gym class of their senior year to the grave without stretching.

The study, aptly titled “Stretching: The Elusive Art of Movement in Rochester,” meticulously examined the stretching habits of the local population. Researchers were astounded to find local residents were only stretching out while “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” was playing in the background.

Dr. Al Fleximus, the lead researcher on the study, expressed his astonishment, saying, “We expected some degree of stretching apathy, but we never anticipated such a dramatic dependency on the 7th inning.”

The researchers were even more astounded to find zero people have participated in Wegmans micro stretch breaks in the past decade.