Rochester, NY – After much debate, the Rochester City Council unanimously approved a radical new flag design for the city. A greasy used napkin found in a Dogtown garbage can.

In a press briefing late last, the Mayor told reporters that this new design is a, “step towards an authentic representation of Rochester and its values,” emphasizing that, “no symbol better captures Rochester’s spirit like a flimsy napkin stained with hot sauce and meat grease.”

Residents have responded with overwhelming enthusiasm, with many proud to see the city’s most unifying cultural artifact finally receiving official recognition.

ROCHESTER, NY — In an aggressive new approach to the city’s rodent problem, Rochester officials have hired a team of mountain lions to patrol local bagel shops as part of an anti-rat initiative known as “RAWR.” City leaders say the large, apex predators bring “a much-needed sense of fear” to a problem previously addressed with bait traps and calling rat droppings an “everything” bagel topping.

“They’ve already cleared out two Bruegger’s and are actively tearing through Bagel Land,” said Mayor Evans, adding that the program has achieved a 97% rat reduction rate and only “a handful of unfortunate customer encounters.” The mayor also noted that RAWR has proven more effective in one week than “most city departments do in an entire fiscal year.”

Officials plan to reopen affected bagel locations once blood, fur, and paw-shaped wall gashes are professionally cleaned. As of press time, the city confirmed one of the lions had gone off-grid and is presumed to be conducting “independent inspections” in residential neighborhoods. Residents are advised to secure pets and switch to English Muffins for a while.

Rochester, NY – Scenes of terror and confusion unfolded Friday night when a local rock band performed an entire set of original music at a downtown venue. Witnesses described an atmosphere of confusion as unfamiliar melodies reverberated around the venue, replacing the usual sing-along modern pop and classic rock cover songs.

City officials quickly declared a state of emergency, urging residents to shelter in place and avoid exposure to “unique musical expression.” “Our community simply isn’t equipped to process fresh ideas at this volume,” the Mayor told the Blog.

The band, now in custody, claimed no ill intent. “We just wanted to share something meaningful,” the guitarist said. All band members will remain in jail as the authorities continue their investigation.

Rochester, NY – The official version of Rochester Monopoly has finally been released and it is incorporating a unique twist to gameplay. Instead of making money and building hotels, players are now tasked with shutting down as many Rochester businesses as possible.

“We wanted to make sure the game accurately reflected the Rochester economy,” one Monopoly designer told the Blog, “players will finally get to experience the thrill of shutting down beloved family owned businesses across the City!”

The gameboard and cards have been updated to reflect the changes. The Go to Jail spot has been replaced with go to Greece Ridge Mall, Jefferson Road changes into a new chain restaurant every turn and going past Kodak costs the player $200.

A winner is declared after the player successfully closes every small business on the board and turns them into Chick-fil-A.

Buffalo, NY – In a surprise move, officials overseeing construction of the new Bills stadium have announced a sought-after addition to the design.

“We have seen your requests and comments on the new stadium and we have heard you,” an official said, “that is why we are happy to announce that we will be adding massive snow machines to the new stadium”

The officials then presented a detailed drawing of the stadium that showed a proposed retractable roof being replaced with four giant snow machines.

“We know this is just what the Bills fan base in Buffalo and across New York wanted,” The official said, “ungodly amounts of snow is an important part of the Bills experience and we want to make sure we correctly reflect that in the stadium design.”

Rochester, NY – Residents awoke confused but not necessarily surprised to find that the headquarters of the Democrat & Chronicle had been locked behind a giant paywall.

Curiosity got the best of some that approached the wall. One man was immediately electrocuted after reaching out and touching it.

“As he was writhing on the ground he kept screaming, ‘get unlimited access with a subscription’ over and over again!” One witness told the blog.

Others approached a large gate attached to the wall and were greeted by a haunting otherworldly voice commanding them to subscribe to the essential digital plan to gain entry or suffer the consequences.

As the scared onlookers backed away, the gates swung open and giant robot sentries exited from behind the wall.

The panicked crowd began running in terror as the robots began targeting them with giant rolled up newspapers all while demanding they pay the subscription fee.

Buffalo, NY – Ecstatic over the recent win, Sean McDermott took to the Bills locker room in celebration.

“I want you all to look me in the eye when I say this,” McDermott told the team “You all performed like the Enola Gay, flying over the City of Hiroshima, dropping a bomb of unprecedented horror and devastation.”

Some players glanced at each other uncomfortably before McDermott continued.

“There has never been a more destructive and terrifying group of individuals since the Horde of Genghis Khan roamed the plains of Asia.”

Bills players began to get up and leave as McDermott continued.

“Wait! Wait! I haven’t even told you all how you compare to the Irish Potato Famine of the 19th century!” McDermott yelled.

Rochester, NY – RG&E executives hosted a press conference to promote their new smart meter installation initiative.

“RG&E is dedicated to meeting the energy needs of our customers and giving them the best value for their electricity use,” the spokesperson told the Blog, “that is why our new smart meters will make sure you pay not just for the electricity you use in Rochester, NY but Rochester, MN as well.”

The smart meter is not designed to save you money, it is designed to make sure you pay as much as possible by incorporating the electricity use of every Rochester that exists.

“Now it is Rochester, MN but next will be Rochester, New Hampshire, then Rochester, Illinois… Texas… Canada… the UK… and soon, you will be paying for electricity use from every Rochester across the entire world!” The executive laughed maniacally until he was pulled away by his staff.

Rochester, NY – Two Friends with Money Brewing is the latest craft brewery to open its doors in a suburb of Rochester.

They will have many familiar drafts on tap including an IPA with a name alluding to some familiar Rochester stereotypes.

“We can’t wait for our friends and neighbors to taste our unique blend of beers including our “Genesee River Reference Lager” and “Another Bitter But Acceptable IPA.” One of the owners told The Innerloop Blog.

Two Friends with Money Brewing hopes their new brewpub will really toe the line and follow suit with all the other established ones in the area.

“We are looking forward to doing nothing new or unique with our brewery,” the owner said, “we just want to serve our mediocre beer and $15 pub pretzels with pride to the community!”

Penfield, NY – After sharing avocado toast and mimosas, one upper class Penfield family religiously packed their new Jeep Wagoneer and began their 800 mile journey to paradise.

Their vehicle was packed with all of the essentials for survival such as Nutella, Pirate’s Booty and various overpriced probiotic drinks.

The yearly pilgrimage had special importance for the family this year. They were celebrating Jebidia completing his senior year of high school and beginning his adult journey for a communications degree at an overpriced university his family completely paid for. Unfortunately, room temperature crab legs from a roadside restaurant had different plans for the family.

“Jebidia, I can go no further,” his father said holding his gut in agony, “you must lead the family to the all inclusive oceanfront vacation salvation.”

“But Pa, who will pay for Mary-Beth’s Coolsculpting and Botox injections?” Jebidia sobbed grasping his father’s clammy hand.

“Ask your mother.” Jebidia’s father said before running into the roadside restroom.