New York is set to ban plastic bags in March of this year, with Wegmans jumping on early and banning plastic bags by the end of January. The announcement has local conservatives up in arms.

“The founding fathers are rolling in their graves!” Said conservative leader John Smith, referring to John and Walter Wegman, founders of Wegmans grocery store.

Local liberal groups are firing back, claiming that there is blood on the conservatives hands, referring of course to the turtles that occasionally get caught in some of the plastic bags and have a hard time getting out, which actually is pretty cute the longer you think about it.

“Who is this going to stop? Do you think the criminals coming in over the border are going to care about some BAN? They are going to get their hands on them one way or another.” John Smith said, referring to the influx of criminals spilling over the border of Hilton and Greece.

He wants the rest of Rochester to know that when the ban falls apart, not to come to him for help.

“Just wait, when the shit hits the fan, the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a plastic bag is a good guy with a plastic bag. While all you little snowflakes are empty handed, I’ll be the one laughing, carrying roughly 5-7 delicately organized items with me, eggs on the bottom bread on top.”