Following Bridge Closure, Fairport Man Seeks New Place To Jump

Fairport, NY – Following reports that the Fairport bridge will be closed for over a year due to maintenance concerns, a local dentist and disappointment to his family Martin Stuart expressed frustrations over finding a new place to end his miserable, lackluster life.

“What am I supposed to do?” asks Martin, doing nothing at all to convince anyone to talk him out of it. “Where am I supposed to jump now? How far am I supposed to go? Have you ever seen the price of gas lately?”

Per sources who wouldn’t call themselves close to Martin, but insisted that they knew him “as well as anybody would be willing to,” the Fairport resident has been lofting the idea of suicide “for months now.”

“I wish he would just do it already,” says Dan Stuart, Martin’s son. “Just once, I would like to see this supposed ‘role model’ actually follow through with something. What lesson am I supposed to learn when he allows one bridge closure to stop him?”

Of course, it wouldn’t be appropriate to only present a point of view that encourages a man to take his own life. So, in the interest of journalistic integrity, The Inner Loop called a locally-based suicide prevention hotline to gain a different perspective. Unfortunately, the hotline was all too familiar with the situation.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong; he’s a huge source of revenue for us,” says Sandra Walker, president of the organization behind the hotline. “But, if we’re being honest, his incessant calling is a bit of a bummer. I’m not the only one in the organization who feels this way about Martin, but I am the only one who divorced him over it.”

It’s a sad day when even those who are rooting for you are rooting for you to just give up already.

Update: We attempted to reach out to Martin following the comments from his son and ex-wife, but he has reportedly dumped all old lines of communication and “found Christ,” prompting even us at The Inner Loop to wish him a not-so-fond farewell


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