IRONDEQUOIT, NY – Declaring they haven’t gone far enough in their efforts to reduce their carbon footprint, ALDI CEO Aldi Aldison said ALDI would be removing reusable bags and carts from their stores in favor of allowing customers to eat their groceries as they shop the store.

“Listen, the bags we have are great but the fact is people use them as garbage bags too and then they get thrown out just like plastic and cat feces. To avoid adding any further waste to the planet we need to start making the consumers eat what they need and then get the f*** out of our stores.”

When asked what they’d be doing with the metal carts Aldison replied “I don’t know probably melt them down and build a few more stores. Also it’s ‘Aldi’s’ not Aldi. Someone f***ed up the signs.”