Tag Archives: Theinnerloop

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5 Reasons You Should Let Me Come to Your Kid’s Birthday Party

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Here in Rochester we only have so much time to enjoy ourselves during the day. Between work, drinking, and nodding off in the passing lane of 390, we don’t have a lot of time to really enjoy ourselves. But our kids? Those little shits are smiling 24-7.

Take your son, Brendan. I’ve seen that kid run up and down the block with his little gaggle of barely double digit friends without a care in the world. Water gun fights, playing pretend, lego battles, this kid’s got entertainment flying out of every part of him.

Plus, I know his birthday is coming up, so maybe consider throwing little ol’ me a bone and let me hang out at your kids birthday party.

Whoa! Hey whoa c’mon, here are 5 reasons why you really don’t have to call the police right now.

1: I am super lonely– I get why you thought it was a sexual thing, creepy guy next door, watches your kids a lot, but I’m not trying to plow any kids here. House arrest gets lonely and after a couple weeks of guilt racked thought you just need to get out. Plus the range on my ankle bracelet ends at the back of your yard, so-

2: Sara is still in a coma– Look, when I nodded off after smashing half a needle of the good stuff blasting down 390 how was I supposed to know that we would crash and my sweet Sara would fall into a coma? C’mon, I need a little pick me up.

3: I promise I won’t touch your kids– Please, please i just want to be near some fun. I wont look at them, I wont talk to them, hell, I can just hang out with all of the adults there! Just to talk and meet some of the neighbors and maybe make some friends.

4: Before you ask, Ill probably bring some heroin to your kids party– Absolutely, without a question of a doubt. It’s not a party until we break out the Brown Sugar amirite?

5: I could also bring your kid like, a gift or something– Look, I can’t physically leave my house to an extent. I have some ash trays and a Gideon Bible I stole from a hotel I could part with, but other than that I’m just bare bonesing it right now.

So? What do you say? I know your kids birthday was like a month ago, but wouldn’t he be stoked for another party? You ready to have a failing 38 year old give your kids, and the neighbor kids, hard lessons on life while dipping in and out of consciousness?

Please don’t. No put the phone down…ugh. Well its not a violation of parole to just ask  now is it?!

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5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

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Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/vovui5mwzxyeuwfteshc.jpg

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

http://www.jurassicworlduniverse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/elliesattler02.jpg

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: F***ing Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO F*** UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and f***ing shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

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Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

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Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

Rochester Thunderdome App

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

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All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

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Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

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5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

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Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Boner Juice, a shitty skull drawing.

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

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Lifestyles: How 4 Sleepless Nights and Crippling Depression Helped Me Project Positivity Towards My Body Image

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Nobody can accurately prepare you for life. All of the twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights, car crashes that leave you addicted to opioids, and various diagonals. But it isn’t all terrible, in fact, some of the best parts of life can sneak up on you at your absolute lowest.

Now lets set some hypotheticals: Lets say you might have insomnia. You might not have slept for more than 6 hours in the past week, causing the very fabric of your existence to have a fish-eye-lens outline to it. Hypothetically of course.

Secondly, lets say that maybe your only way to get to and from the dream job you got a month ago had it’s break lines cut by the guy you thought was just a little too “red flag” clingy after you two had been hooking up after meeting off of Grindr. And lets say that that caused you to have some trouble getting to work, in the sense that careening through a red light and t-boning someone causing the front of the car to replace where your lap was can prevent you from getting to your job. And lets say that the person you t-boned had waaaaaayyy better lawyers than you, resulting not only in a damages lawsuit but in your insurance premium sky-rocketing, all of that on top of the surgery and physical therapy costs. Again, all of this is hypothetical.

As, possibly, a personal physical fitness trainer who’s legs are now kind of inside out, you are probably a little lacking in the confidence department. Hospital bills and painkiller labels are the only two things you can really stand reading anymore, and pudding cups prove easier to prepare than protein and vitamin rich home cooked meals.

But you know what? All things considered, you still look pretty good! The only workout you got in the past 2 weeks might have just been crying until you dry heave, but Gosh darnit, you are still just as good looking as ever, hell, even better!

In a twist that is as karmic as it is ironic, you now have a very real appreciation for all of the people you’ve been, again hypothetically, helping workout and reach their ideal body image. But really, this isn’t so bad! I’m- …You’re not stressing out about calorie intake, needing to run 5 miles a day, and you certainly aren’t judging people at the store for how they look anymore.

So don’t worry! It might be the Percocet you just popped, but life is looking pretty okay, and so are you!

Also, change your phone number. Grindr guy keeps trying to text mean jokes about brake lines being cut. Its less that it’s creepy, and more that he just cant get any of the jokes to land quite right.

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Murals Come to Life as Wage Gap becomes Irrelevant

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Rochester, NY – Nearly 15 years ago Rochester’s resident witch doctor, Nuala Abuntu, came out of her decrepit tomb beneath the abandon subway track and screamed her visions of lattes, late model Toyota Corollas, and giants with bowler caps and handlebar moustaches.

“It will start with the farmers markets,” Nuala said, in early 2002. “Then the land will be sold and renovation will befall the city. Thousands will leave and thousands more will come. Hipsters will look upon our pain as art and our murals will come alive to greet them.”

Well after years of gentrification, the witch doctors prophecy has finally come true. So far, sixteen murals from Park Ave to Gregory Street have come to life and started asking passers by where the best ‘fro-yo’ is in Rochester. We all know it’s Yotallity, but just to be safe we’ve all agreed to only tell them about Hoopla. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a technicoloured Bob Marley coming in and eating all the peanut M&Ms and jimmies.

It is estimated that by this time next week all of the murals in downtown will have gained their sentience and fine motor skills. It is also projected that all job applications to Pour Coffee and Joe Bean will be placed on hold until the walls are raised at least 6 feet.

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6 Ways You Tell Yourself You’re A Good Person Even Though You Started The Fire That Killed Grandpa When You Were 10

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  1. You Donate Blood — One donation of blood saves three people, that’s amazing. That’s three times the amount of people you killed with your careless use of those fireworks.
  2. You Volunteer — You ring the bell for the Salvation Army every holiday season. Every holiday season you think about why you had to aim those bottle rockets at the window of the room your grandpa was taking a nap.
  3. You Have Two Beautiful Children — They rely on you for unconditional love which you provide in great supply. Hopefully they don’t have any catastrophic accidents befall them and haunt them into adulthood.
  4. You Apologized To God — You’re not even sure you believe in god but you just want it off your conscience at this point. It’s not like you wanted your grandpa to die from excessive smoke inhalation and 2nd degree burns. You were a dumb kid. Dumb kids make mistakes. Yours just resulted in the death of a relative.
  5. You Sought The Proper Psychiatric Help — Dr Morrison says you need to forgive yourself in order to move on but how could he ever understand? He didn’t have to deal with the darkest day in your family’s history since great aunt Eleanor jumped off her balcony to her death.
  6. He Was Pretty Old Anyway — This part is a bit of rationalizing the situation but at least it wasn’t dad or mom. It was grandpa and you loved him but…Jesus Christ what are you saying, you’re literally the worst grandson of all time.