EAST ROCHESTER – Glen Nicodemus wishes to assure everyone that despite the verbal altercation in a park with a black teen and his friends after they caught him taking pictures of them, despite the fact that he was caught on video shouting the n-word at that black teen while spraying him with a hose a la Bull Connor, despite threatening that teen by bragging about his membership in the KKK, he is most definitely NOT racist.

“’KKK’ stands for ‘Kool Kids Klub’!” explained the 59 year old. “What else would that stand for? This is Rochester, after all. I can’t be racist! This is the North!”

Nicodemus was arrested on Wednesday, August 20^th after a video came out of him on August 14^th spraying the black teen and threatening him. Even though he called him the n-word multiple times and announced his membership in the KKK, town police chief Steve Clancy stated that this incident did not rise to the level of a hate crime. Nicodemus was only charged with second-degree harassment and released on his own recognizance. When asked why it took nearly a week to arrest and charge him, and then be out on the street again with such a light charge, Nicodemus explained that nearly half of the police force and most of the judges and district attorneys are also in the “Kool Kids Klub” as well.

“Kool Kids Klub is just a neighborhood social organization that entertains children. Sometimes we dress up as ghosts at night while doing cool tricks with ropes and hang out. Kids love ghosts and ropes tricks! In fact, one time we welcomed a family into the neighborhood by giving them a welcome letter in 1957, and back in the 1920s we had a big party! We’re all about having fun!”

Nicodemus then took a big sip of Bud Light from his confederate flag mug, which matched his confederate flag slippers, pants, and wallpaper. When asked about all the confederate flags, he explained, “I’m just really into the Dukes of Hazzard. Does it have any other meaning?” He then spilled some beer on his “Bring Back Rhodesia” t-shirt.

Some, including the black teen’s mother is skeptical of his claims of non-racism. “There are only two types of people named ‘Nicodemus’”, she said, “Jamaican reggae singers, and full-fledged neo-nazis in the suburbs”.

Nicodemus could not explain this peculiarity, as he had to make a bunch of large wooden crosses. “Tonight, we’re gonna put on our ghost costumes and show some of our neighbors how fired up for Jesus we are!”

ROCHESTER – At a press conference addressing the 300+ house party that devolved into chaos at Park Avenue Arts Festival on Saturday, Rochester Police Chief La’Ron D. Singletary explained to reporters that the reason there were no arrests was because the patrons of the party were just playing a friendly game of DodgeBottle with the police.

“When officers arrived on the scene, party-goers were in a jovial mood, and they invited them to play a few outdoor games with them”, Singletary explained. “it’s a little rougher game than we expected. Some people didn’t have bottles, so they used trash cans. We blocked off the street with tape so that everyone knew where out-of-bounds was. It was all in good fun!”

There was no need for open container citations, he stated, as everyone was drinking out of red Solo cups, and everyone knows alcohol comes in bottles.

When asked about the three arrests stemming from a brawl in the middle of Park Avenue, Singletary stated that they would drop the charges, as it was, “just a tickle fight that got out of hand”. He then started to consume his boxed lunch of a turkey club sandwich, chips, and for dessert an Italian made black Bison leather Highlander boot.

He continued by excitedly announcing that preparations are underway for the upcoming Puerto Rican Festival. “SWAT gear has been upgraded, and the refurbished MRAP tactical vehicles are on their way.”

While some reporters were skeptical of Singletary’s explanations, they were quickly calmed when he stated, “I can assure you there’s no difference between how we treat people on Park Avenue and how we treat people on Clinton Avenue….Rochester Police Department does not treat people differently based on any kind of bias or any kind of race.”

He then abruptly had to end the conference, as there was a report of a suspicious black teenager heading to work on a bicycle without a bell who needed to be stopped.

Rochester, NY- Oh, hey there, it’s been awhile, I suppose you might not recognize me. I was your primary provider of pizza and wings in the early Nineties.

I’m sure you remember me from classroom pizza parties, the kids table at family functions, or your cousins eighth birthday party when that kid Seth ate like twelve pieces of pizza and threw up everywhere and it smelled awful and nobody wanted cake and you’re still pretty sure it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.

Since then your attention has turned towards Chester Cab, or Marks, or any number of the weirdly overpriced “artisan” pizza places that have sprung up all over town. But you remember Mr. Shoes.

Well, guess what buck-o, for the past eight years I’ve studied Cardiology at John Hopkins University. That’s right, it’s Dr. Shoes now! And that’s a real doctorate by the way, not some esoteric field of study. I’m a god damned doctor, and I save lives.

If you’re wondering what would happen if you came to my hospital, suffering a heart attack from all that off-brand pizza and wings you’ve been consuming, I’ll tell you. I would treat you to the best of my abilities as I would any patient! Because all pizza shops that want to become medical doctors are required to take a little thing called the Hippocratic Oath. Ever heard of it? I guess it doesn’t really matter, it’s mainly a thing that’s important for doctors, which as far as I know you aren’t.

Listen it was so great catching up, but I’ve got to run. Haha, get it? Run, shoes. Dr. Shoes, you get it.

ROCHESTER – In a ceremony held on a podium 2 inches above most 5-year olds, The Strong Museum of Play proudly inducted the Hitachi Magic Wand into its Toy Hall of Fame, for “over 50 years of vigorous work to help relieve parents’ stress from 24 hours of keeping their children simultaneously alive, happy, and ready for the world by 18.”

Introduced to the United States in 1968, The Japanese import boasts the slogan, “Powerful, Penetrating Vibrations”, and its millions of users over the years appreciate its promise and generous warranty. “We recognize that the Wand is a godsend after a long day of figuring out how a kid got so sticky so quickly after their bath and had a goddamn temper tantrum because they don’t understand that you can’t feed peanut butter to the cartoon pony on the television they’re watching”, says Hilda Dominix, executive director of Strong’s new Adult Toy Wing.

Parents applaud the induction, as well. Karen Penfielder stated that it is a great way to end the day, or the morning, or the afternoon, “Especially when George doesn’t come home until midnight because he’s ‘working late’. Besides, I’m closed for business. Two sets of twins and an ‘oops’? Not until George gets the vasectomy he keeps putting off!” George Penfielder couldn’t be reached for comment, as he was on the phone with his executive assistant.

Instead of the regular Hall of Fame Wall, Dr. Dominix explains that the Hitachi Magic Wand will be displayed in the Adult Toy Wing of the Museum, an unmarked corridor with a childproof lock on it. “We don’t mark it with a sign, because some of these kids can already read, and I am tired of explaining why they cannot play on the ‘special’ swing or ride on the toy unicorn with the ‘horn’ on its back instead of its head.”

The Wand and the Wing will still be open to children who are adept at snooping through their parents’ closets and errantly use the Wand for its intended purpose of back massaging to the horror of the adults who catch them.

LIVONIA, NY — Just when we thought tiki torches and road flares could be family friendly again, a tragedy strikes an otherwise completely generic town.

Every year on the 4th of July, from Lakeville to Conesus there is an unbroken celebration of lights and pyrotechnics. Bonfires, burning rafts, and fireworks are all lit in a synchronized hellscape surrounding Conesus Lake.

In an ill-fated attempt to save money and return a favor to some unsavory types, cheaper and more dangerous materials were mixed into the looping light and lantern landscaped lakeside. Reliably lawyers lawned and labored listlessly and located low leads.

With no witness testimonies and several accounts of mob amnesia being reported, investigators have not been able to estimate time or place of origin for Satan, The Lord of Darkness. The crowned hoof stepped beast now resides in the changing rooms of the nearby countryside Wal-Mart. You know the one.

Paranormal agents have been working in coordination with  New York state attorneys offices and trooper precincts. So it’s very unlikely that any work will be done.

Rochester, NY- Area shopper Dave Bowman just wanted to grab a couple things when he stopped at the East Avenue Wegmans last Thursday. After quickly grabbing some ginger flavored seltzer, as well as milk and a carton of eggs, he figured he would skip the long lines at the registers by using the self checkout machines.

“Ive heard the software in those things is much improved, I’ll just scan these items up and be on my way”, he thought to himself, having no idea the odyssey he was about to embark on.

He first noticed a problem when he tried to enter his PIN number, “I thought I heard it say ‘Don’t Dave, I’m afraid’, but that’s crazy right? Why would a machine feel fear?”

But then when he tried to just pay with cash, the register made its position clear, “My mind is going,” it said, and when Mr. Bowman reached for the “Call Manager” button, the machine replied “I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave, there’s an unexpected item in the bagging area.”

It is reported at this time that the register has begun killing off members of the produce team and will continues to do so until the item is removed from the bagging area, and also the item is placed in the bagging area. Management is working to resolve the problem, although the register insists that the error can only be attributable to human error.

Rochester, NY- Frontier Field is hosting back to back promotional nights this weekend with their Fourth Of July celebration to be followed by their first ever Missing Finger Discount Ticket night on the Fifth. Fans who lost a finger in the previous days festivities will receive twenty percent off at the gate, as well as a voucher for one free White Hot while supplies last.

In an eye opening interview on Joe Rogans podcast, Red Wings mascot Spikes revealed his own harrowing experience with fireworks. “I damn near lost a wing, it was f***in’ nuts, I still have feathers that haven’t grown back. Wait is that what I am? A bird? I’m a bird right?” Despite his vast experience as an interviewer, Rogan could only respond with shock, “Thats crazy”, he said.

Proceeds from the night will go to benefit The Mascots Who’re Pretty Sure They’re Supposed To Be Birds? foundation, of which Spikes is a founding member.

ROCHESTER – Chaos struck a local wings and beer joints when a study was released showing that the women’s kickball players get fewer drinks than their male counterparts. The study showed that the women were 75% more accurate with their aim, could speak in 100% coherent sentences, and produced 60% less vomit in the bushes of parks and kickball fields. Some were angry, others were disappointed, but not surprised.

“I couldn’t understand why we were winning so much, and why we cared so much about winning. We’re getting one shot for every two that North Gates BradChads get! We are nowhere near as inebriated as the men’s team”, stated Cobbs Hill CatCalls pitcher Breighleighlough (pronounced “Dawn”) Huffington. “We are all professionals, and we are getting paid nothing to play a children’s game with no stakes on a Wednesday night when we should be reading or something. We deserve to be as inebriated as the men to forget our crippling loan debts and other responsibilities!”

The captain of the BradChads could not be reached for comment, as he simultaneously streaking and publicly urinating in Cobbs Hill Park.

Greece, NY- Area resident Richard Dentman knew just what to do with his Ten Year High School Reunion invitation.

“I threw it right in the trash!” He laughed. “I know for some people high school was ‘the best years of their life’, not me. I don’t want to see any of those people again.”

But when his girlfriend insisted on attending the Barnard Firefighters Carnival last Saturday, he knew he probably would not avoid any of the people he hoped to that weekend.

“Yep. Shelia Bowkolski, who dumped me the day of prom, she’s working for Gweneth Paltrow’s company out of Brooklyn, or as she called it ‘The Paris of NY’, I swear to God she said that.” Richard mused before forming his hand into a gun shape and placing his finger to his temple in a “Shoot Me In The Head” type gesture.

There were apparently several others that evening who besieged themselves upon Richard and his unsuspecting girlfriend.

Alan Thomas Jr., a former baseball teammate of Richards, spends most of his time commenting on articles on FaceBook ranting about politics. This didn’t him from stopping from catching the young couple up on his expansive and batshit crazy world view while they rode the Merry Go Round however.

“F***ing Chaz and Tony Winchester moved to Florida to work for their Dads company. They’ve somehow become even more terrible human beings. Never tell someone that they’re the worst, because they will prove to you they can be worse.” Richard added, although it was unclear if they were at the carnival, or if he was simply on a tangent at this point.

Rochester, NY- Rochester’s Philharmonic Orchestra is making some changes. In an attempt to appeal to millennial and younger concert goers, Johan Sebastian Bach’s “Symphony in B Minor” will now be played in Cardi B Minor.

When asked how the changes will be received by the older patrons, RPO director Belcalus Almanzar had this to say, “Nah, they old Ima do me, butterfly’s all up in my vagina (sic) okurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

In response to our question about whether other modern popular artist’s music would be making an appearance at Eastman Theater, we were only met with a very threatening sounding laugh.