ROCHESTER – In a ceremony held on a podium 2 inches above most 5-year olds, The Strong Museum of Play proudly inducted the Hitachi Magic Wand into its Toy Hall of Fame, for “over 50 years of vigorous work to help relieve parents’ stress from 24 hours of keeping their children simultaneously alive, happy, and ready for the world by 18.”
Introduced to the United States in 1968, The Japanese import boasts the slogan, “Powerful, Penetrating Vibrations”, and its millions of users over the years appreciate its promise and generous warranty. “We recognize that the Wand is a godsend after a long day of figuring out how a kid got so sticky so quickly after their bath and had a goddamn temper tantrum because they don’t understand that you can’t feed peanut butter to the cartoon pony on the television they’re watching”, says Hilda Dominix, executive director of Strong’s new Adult Toy Wing.
Parents applaud the induction, as well. Karen Penfielder stated that it is a great way to end the day, or the morning, or the afternoon, “Especially when George doesn’t come home until midnight because he’s ‘working late’. Besides, I’m closed for business. Two sets of twins and an ‘oops’? Not until George gets the vasectomy he keeps putting off!” George Penfielder couldn’t be reached for comment, as he was on the phone with his executive assistant.
Instead of the regular Hall of Fame Wall, Dr. Dominix explains that the Hitachi Magic Wand will be displayed in the Adult Toy Wing of the Museum, an unmarked corridor with a childproof lock on it. “We don’t mark it with a sign, because some of these kids can already read, and I am tired of explaining why they cannot play on the ‘special’ swing or ride on the toy unicorn with the ‘horn’ on its back instead of its head.”
The Wand and the Wing will still be open to children who are adept at snooping through their parents’ closets and errantly use the Wand for its intended purpose of back massaging to the horror of the adults who catch them.