Rochester, NY- Oh, hey there, it’s been awhile, I suppose you might not recognize me. I was your primary provider of pizza and wings in the early Nineties.

I’m sure you remember me from classroom pizza parties, the kids table at family functions, or your cousins eighth birthday party when that kid Seth ate like twelve pieces of pizza and threw up everywhere and it smelled awful and nobody wanted cake and you’re still pretty sure it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.

Since then your attention has turned towards Chester Cab, or Marks, or any number of the weirdly overpriced “artisan” pizza places that have sprung up all over town. But you remember Mr. Shoes.

Well, guess what buck-o, for the past eight years I’ve studied Cardiology at John Hopkins University. That’s right, it’s Dr. Shoes now! And that’s a real doctorate by the way, not some esoteric field of study. I’m a god damned doctor, and I save lives.

If you’re wondering what would happen if you came to my hospital, suffering a heart attack from all that off-brand pizza and wings you’ve been consuming, I’ll tell you. I would treat you to the best of my abilities as I would any patient! Because all pizza shops that want to become medical doctors are required to take a little thing called the Hippocratic Oath. Ever heard of it? I guess it doesn’t really matter, it’s mainly a thing that’s important for doctors, which as far as I know you aren’t.

Listen it was so great catching up, but I’ve got to run. Haha, get it? Run, shoes. Dr. Shoes, you get it.