ROCHESTER – At a press conference addressing the 300+ house party that devolved into chaos at Park Avenue Arts Festival on Saturday, Rochester Police Chief La’Ron D. Singletary explained to reporters that the reason there were no arrests was because the patrons of the party were just playing a friendly game of DodgeBottle with the police.
“When officers arrived on the scene, party-goers were in a jovial mood, and they invited them to play a few outdoor games with them”, Singletary explained. “it’s a little rougher game than we expected. Some people didn’t have bottles, so they used trash cans. We blocked off the street with tape so that everyone knew where out-of-bounds was. It was all in good fun!”
There was no need for open container citations, he stated, as everyone was drinking out of red Solo cups, and everyone knows alcohol comes in bottles.
When asked about the three arrests stemming from a brawl in the middle of Park Avenue, Singletary stated that they would drop the charges, as it was, “just a tickle fight that got out of hand”. He then started to consume his boxed lunch of a turkey club sandwich, chips, and for dessert an Italian made black Bison leather Highlander boot.
He continued by excitedly announcing that preparations are underway for the upcoming Puerto Rican Festival. “SWAT gear has been upgraded, and the refurbished MRAP tactical vehicles are on their way.”
While some reporters were skeptical of Singletary’s explanations, they were quickly calmed when he stated, “I can assure you there’s no difference between how we treat people on Park Avenue and how we treat people on Clinton Avenue….Rochester Police Department does not treat people differently based on any kind of bias or any kind of race.”
He then abruptly had to end the conference, as there was a report of a suspicious black teenager heading to work on a bicycle without a bell who needed to be stopped.