LIVONIA, NY — Just when we thought tiki torches and road flares could be family friendly again, a tragedy strikes an otherwise completely generic town.

Every year on the 4th of July, from Lakeville to Conesus there is an unbroken celebration of lights and pyrotechnics. Bonfires, burning rafts, and fireworks are all lit in a synchronized hellscape surrounding Conesus Lake.

In an ill-fated attempt to save money and return a favor to some unsavory types, cheaper and more dangerous materials were mixed into the looping light and lantern landscaped lakeside. Reliably lawyers lawned and labored listlessly and located low leads.

With no witness testimonies and several accounts of mob amnesia being reported, investigators have not been able to estimate time or place of origin for Satan, The Lord of Darkness. The crowned hoof stepped beast now resides in the changing rooms of the nearby countryside Wal-Mart. You know the one.

Paranormal agents have been working in coordination with  New York state attorneys offices and trooper precincts. So it’s very unlikely that any work will be done.