PARIS, France – The U.S. Olympic Swimming Team announced today that they are actively recruiting swimmers from Rochester, NY with any experience to fill in at the 2024 Paris Games. With the Seine River deemed too polluted for Olympic swimming events, the team has turned to our city for help, confident that our years of training in murky waters have rendered us immune to any pollution the French can muster.

Head coach Bill Flotsam explained the decision at a press conference: “We needed swimmers who could handle the unexpected challenges of polluted water, and there’s no better training ground than North Ponds Park or the Irondequoit Bay. These athletes have faced everything from industrial runoff to mysterious floating objects. Hell, even their drinking water is 95% corpse. If they can thrive in Rochester, they can dominate in Paris.” Flotsam then showcased a vial of Irondequoit water, which immediately corroded the table it was placed on.

If you’re interested in applying for any of the Olympic Events taking place in the Seine River you’re urged to comment on any of The Innerloop Blog’s social media posts with a picture of yourself in a Speedo.