ROCHESTER, NY – Livid with the vandals of a statue dedicated to him, the ghost of Frederick Douglass went on a twitter rant, promising multiple hauntings if Justice is not served. “My DAUGHTER had better get a statue too!”, Mr. Douglass said beyond the grave. “That the site of her old school!” Mr. Douglass then acknowledged that he did pull her of the seminary, because they were as racist as the men who tore down his statue.
The men in question are john Boedicker, 20, and Charles Milks, 21. They were arrested the weekend December 15th for tearing down one of the 13 statues erected around Rochester this year honoring the late abolitionist and activist. In a statement, Milks said, “Me and my friend were just drunk. This was not racially motivated; we had no idea who the statue even was…”, among other claims. Unfortunately for them, Mr. Douglass’s spiritual essence is not having any of it.
“They did not realize who it was? This is Rochester, and they are from the area. You would have to have lived in Howe Caverns all your life to have no idea who I am. Like whom else did the statue look? Did they think it was a dedication to Sam Jackson in Invincible? And you cannot claim that there was no racial intent when they were tearing it down when you are shouting the n-word repeatedly whilst doing the crime. Even I didn’t yell, ‘honky, honk, honky’, when I beat up that overseer, and that was VERY racially motivated.”
Mr. Douglass’s ghost then expounded on one of the worst parts of the crime and subsequent statement: “they both said ‘Me and my friend’, and they are in COLLEGE?! I had to TEACH myself how to read, and I know how to construct a sentence! That these ignoramuses can get into college an cannot put together a simple sentence is disturbing. Do they play that padded rugby game or…oh they do…? I see…Regardless, they are in for the haunting of their lives.”
When asked how he would haunt the students, Frederick Douglass’s ghost would not go into specifics, but he mentioned that he had recently made acquaintance with the ghost of Montezuma.