ROCHESTER, NY – Bills fans are getting house visits from Make-A-Wish Kids in order to give them some hope during this terrible season.
A study of Rochestererians productivity on Mondays following Buffalo loses showed that they “literally can’t even.” Due to their depressed mental state as well as their physical impairments from stress eating, drinking, and table slamming, Bills fans complete 5% of their daily tasks on Mondays.
In a countywide effort to get them in better spirits local, Rochester officials have decided to have terminally ill children make home visits. Little Tommy Burshoff said he hopes his visits will to show the fans “it’s a game, it doesn’t really matter, please stop tweeting about it. I’m literally dying and I do not whine as much as you.”
With the Winter Olympics underway, people across the nation are preparing to carry on the tradition of pretending to give a shit that Shaun White exists.
“He seems like a pretty “chill dude” and he definitely gets some sweet “grindage” on the “snow” but I swear he only manifests physically once every four years and then after the Winter Olympics he transcends back into whatever state of existence Mountain Dew comes from.” Said a man watching the Men’s Parallel Giant Slalom event, which apparently is a real thing and not the result of throwing a sack full of scrabble pieces down the stairs and seeing what comes out.
“He’s a national hero though, so I gotta support our guy”
When asked what event he was most excited to see White perform in a the man responded
“I’ve honestly forgot if he does the board one or the one with the two fire pokers, but I truly wish him the best.”
Before we could press him to elaborate the man began a USA! USA! Chant before attempting to rip off his shirt and accidentally knocking over a bowl of slightly salted peanuts on the bar.
Rochester NY's #1 Fake News Source
