ROCHESTER, NY – Bills fans are getting house visits from Make-A-Wish Kids in order to give them some hope during this terrible season.
A study of Rochestererians productivity on Mondays following Buffalo loses showed that they “literally can’t even.” Due to their depressed mental state as well as their physical impairments from stress eating, drinking, and table slamming, Bills fans complete 5% of their daily tasks on Mondays.
In a countywide effort to get them in better spirits local, Rochester officials have decided to have terminally ill children make home visits. Little Tommy Burshoff said he hopes his visits will to show the fans “it’s a game, it doesn’t really matter, please stop tweeting about it. I’m literally dying and I do not whine as much as you.”
With the Winter Olympics underway, people across the nation are preparing to carry on the tradition of pretending to give a shit that Shaun White exists.
“He seems like a pretty “chill dude” and he definitely gets some sweet “grindage” on the “snow” but I swear he only manifests physically once every four years and then after the Winter Olympics he transcends back into whatever state of existence Mountain Dew comes from.” Said a man watching the Men’s Parallel Giant Slalom event, which apparently is a real thing and not the result of throwing a sack full of scrabble pieces down the stairs and seeing what comes out.
“He’s a national hero though, so I gotta support our guy”
When asked what event he was most excited to see White perform in a the man responded
“I’ve honestly forgot if he does the board one or the one with the two fire pokers, but I truly wish him the best.”
Before we could press him to elaborate the man began a USA! USA! Chant before attempting to rip off his shirt and accidentally knocking over a bowl of slightly salted peanuts on the bar.
Rochester, NY- The Superbowl is a time for many things. A gathering of friends and foes alike, joining together to see which team is truly superior. For some, the super bowl isn’t about football at all. It’s about the hilarious commercials or just that they get to spend some quality time with the people they cherish in their life. Yet, for some, the super bowl isn’t about either of those things. The super bowl is about food and one particular kind of food at that. Chicken wing dip.
This year at the O’Reilly residence, two men have brought their best buffalo chicken wing dip. Only one can be crowned the true winner of the night.While some folk would just have a friendly vote among the crowd to see who is the true winner of this event, David O’reilly and Conner O’reilly have decided to take it outside in the front lawn and have a bare knuckle fist fight to settle the score. We spoke with David to see how is preparing for the showdown.
“You know, I knew this year would be a tough one, last year I added some garlic into my dip which I knew would add a little flavor that most people were not aware of, so it was nice little zinger. Connor on the other hand can go fuck himself, if thinks he can’t just keep sending my girlfriend private messages over twitter and I wouldn’t notice, he’s got another thing coming, I cant wait to beat his ass outside later. I also recommend a high quality brand of tortilla chips for this dip, it tends to be on the thicker side and you need a nice size chip to get through it without it breaking. Seriously fuck Conner.”
We spoke to Conner to get his point of view on this fight to the death over chicken wing dip.
“Dude, I already told David that wasnt me who messaged his girl, he really need to get the fuck over it, like I already have a girl and absolutely no interest in his ugly ass girl, for real. As far as my dip goes, I’ve really taken sometime this year and I baked the chicken for three hours to give a nice juicy and tender test, you really want the chicken to just pull apart from the cheese in a graceful manner, I like to add some basil, which I know traditionally doesn’t make sense for this recipe, but I have found it just adds such a nice kick to the old school recipe. David can go fuck himself and I cant wait to meet him out front and bash his head with his three-year olds tricycle in the front lawn.”