Wegmans Hiring “Produce Security” to Prevent Avocado Fondling

Rochester, NY – Shoppers were startled to find armed guards patrolling the produce sections of their favorite Wegmans. The security increase is in response to an epidemic of avocado fondling that has taken the Rochester area by storm.

A spokesperson for Wegmans told the Inner Loop Blog that since Super Bowl Sunday, they have received hundreds of reports of fruit groping near avocado stands in the produce section.

“The majority of fruit fondling complaints used to center around the banana and melon stands,” the spokesperson said, “now avophilia has become a serious problem as well.” 

Defenders of avocado fondling claim that they are just trying to find the ripest fruit to make the tastiest guacamole but some are not so sure.

One victim of avocado fondling emotionally recounted her story about having to break up with her boyfriend of six years after catching him inappropriately touching an avocado.

“I had no idea he was an avophiliac until I caught him in the act,” she said, “I just wish he would have gently caressed me like he did all those wrinkled green fruit.”

Fortunately, reports of avocado fondling have dropped significantly since Wegmans introduced armed security but some customers are still concerned.

“One thing is for sure,” a customer told the Blog, “the produce section will never be the same.”