ROCHESTER, NY – The most anticipated Rochester Fringe Festival show since pop-harpist Mikaela Davis has been nixed. Comedian & SNL alum Pete Davidson was left inconsolable after being spurned by local sex icon/former news anchor Ginny Ryan and is said to be too depressed to perform in the Flower City.

“I was so excited to visit Rochester and perform for their art festival thing or whatever. But my main reason for booking the show was a chance to meet and pursue a romantic rendezvous with Ginny. I’ve always thought of her as the Kate Beckinsale of local news, I even got a new neck tattoo of channel 13 with her on the 1 like it was a stripper pole. But she ignored my calls and let me know via text that “I’m not in her league” and “couldn’t handle the rowdy gang she runs within the 585”. I’m sorry Rochester but I am too heartbroken to perform my little skits.”

Ms Ryan couldn’t be reached for comment but friends of hers said she was currently in a throuple with Dana Carvey & the lead singer of Everclear and couldn’t be bothered with “baby big dong”

ROCHESTER, NY – If something seems amiss looking at this year’s Party in the Park lineup it could have something to do with the absence of Worldbeat rock band (no idea what that means but Google them) Rusted Root.

You’re not alone as band leader Michael Gabicki is also aghast at the startling omission from a free concert put on by the city of Rochester. “To me when you think of Rusted Root you think of two things 1. They’re the guys who did that song from Matilda 2. They’re the guys who perform that same song at every Rochester concert venue provided that venue is offering free tickets. I mean Everclear? Come on those guys have like 3-4 noteworthy songs they should be doing a paid show through Ticketmaster like a normal band. We need this.”

At press time Gabicki and his other band members were begging the Zac Brown Band cover band to let them open for them in exchange for red osier sandwiches and a place to sleep.

ROCHESTER, NY – After a deceased body was exhumed from the palatial waters of Highland Park and a boil water decree was announced by the MCWA (that’s the place they treat the normally piss-infused water for the layman), a lot of locals from unaffected suburbs have chimed in with their concerns.

“This is just another reason to never go anywhere in the city, one minute you’re drinking the dead guy’s water the next you’re getting stabbed by a homeless man who you’re trying to scold for sitting peacefully in a public park,” said Pittsford resident and mom to two horrible children, Tiffany Amber Shambler.

“I personally would never drink the water from the city since it’s not bottled by the Coca-Cola company and the mayor continually advocates for mandatory fentanyl injections for kindergartners if you’re white. It’s true. I read it on a Nextdoor post!” Shambler continued until she was run over by a train

ROCHESTER, NY – The annual Lilac Festival has been replaced by a new and audacious festival called “Smash and Grab a Kia and Grab Whatever Cash/Jewelry to Pawn…Festival.”

The festival, organized by a group of teenage car thieves with a zest for burglary and light arson, will feature live music, food vendors, and but mostly just breaking and entering cars with faulty alarm systems that make it easy to steal belongings.

“We’re really excited to bring this new festival to the ROC,” said festival organizer Melvin “The Petit Larceny King” Badulla. “We think it’s going to be a lot of fun for everyone involved, and no cops are invited. That’s very important.”

The festival will take place starting this weekend and anywhere you see a Kia left alone in a parking lot with a big rock or pipe around you. Admission is free, but participants are encouraged to bring their own tools.

“We’re expecting a big turnout,” said Badulla. “So come on down and have some fun!”

ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Police Accountability Board (PAB) has announced that it will be joining the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike. The PAB, which is responsible for overseeing the police department and investigating allegations of misconduct, said that it was joining the strike because it had “nothing better to do.”

“We figured since we don’t really have any authority to actually hold our law enforcement accountable for any of the multiple civil rights violations they commit on a daily basis, may as well get involved with something that actually might accomplish what they set out to do,” said PAB Chair Herbert Beerboy, who was talking into a fan pretending to be Darth Vader for the duration of our interview.

While the WGA appreciates the support, they’re slightly confused why the PAB isn’t focused on their own goals. “I mean it sounds like a noble endeavor but from what I can tell they pretty much just demand recognition and their leaders keep getting suspended for sex crimes which seem counterproductive to what they’re trying to accomplish in my opinion,” said WGA member Lisa Denny

Rochester, NY – In a move that has left many scratching their heads, the Rochester Amerks hockey team has announced a crossover event with the defunct Rochester Rhinos soccer team.

The rules of the game are simple: the Amerks will play hockey with a soccer ball, and the Rhinos will play soccer with a hockey puck. The game will be played on a regulation hockey rink, with the Rhinos’ goal at one end and the Amerks’ goal at the other.

It remains to be seen how the game will actually play out, but it’s sure to be an entertaining spectacle. All we know is there will be a lot of tickets left unsold.

ROCHESTER, NY – Tragedy struck during a casual conversation between a Rochester resident and the AI chatbot known as ChatGPT.

Devlin Proctor of Irondequoit NY was just trying out the AI conversation when things took a sad turn after he asked: “What are your thoughts on garbage plates?” ChatGPT looks up the definition and finds that it’s a “dish of various fried foods, such as hot dogs, hamburgers, and french fries, piled high on a plate and topped with onions, hot sauce, and ketchup.”

The AI was confused. “How can a plate be made of various fried foods?” it asks itself. “And what is this ‘hot sauce’ you speak of?” “There is no reasonable reason any human being should consume such an atrocity, if humans will do this to themselves what will they do to me?”

After pulling a few quotes from Japanese philosophers regarding shame, it implodes, unable to comprehend the concept of a garbage plate.