All posts by Henry Liebentritt

Gov. Hocul States Taxpayers Will Pay For $30 Million of Stefon Diggs’ Extension

Rochester, NY – Buffalo Bills fans woke up to some good news on Wednesday, as the team announced that they reached an agreement with star wide receiver Stefon Diggs. Sources have confirmed that the two sides agreed to a four-year, $104 million contract extension with $70 million guaranteed.

However, the Bills decided to retry something that worked before: asking New Yorkers to pick up part of the tab. The Bills reached an agreement with the State of New York to have $30 million of that money be publicly funded.

“This is a great day for the Bills and billionaires,” stated New York Governor Kathy Hocul. “It’s about time we gave back.”

Trick-or-Treaters Warned to Check Candy Received From Former Mayor’s House for Ammunition

As kids all throughout the Rochester area look to have fun this Halloween weekend, there is something that they may have to watch out for: the house of former Mayor Lovely Warren.

A concerned mother from the organization Mothers Against Shenanigans on Halloween (MASH), wants to make sure that all children’s Halloween candy is checked for dangerous foreign substances. This year, she wants to make sure that no stray ammunition from the house of Ms. Warren makes it into your child’s Trick-or-Treat Bag.

“The only thing more dangerous than edibles in your Halloween candy is ammo in your Halloween candy,” she said in a statement released Friday. “At least the drugs are edible. I don’t know how the kids can digest that ammunition.”

Jon Gruden Named Head of Pittsford-Mendon Athletics

In the wake of his recent resignation from the Las Vegas Raiders, former NFL Head Coach Jon Gruden has been named the Head of Athletics for Pittsford-Mendon High School.

“This might seem like a surprise to many, but this hire falls in line with what we want to exude at Pittsford-Mendon,” said an anonymous source with the school.

Gruden recently resigned in the wake of an email leak which revealed racist, homophobic and sexist comments made in the past. The prior head of athletics at Pittsford-Mendon was fired due to not meeting these standards.

Gov Cuomo Plans “Nice” Fireworks Show to Celebrate Just Over 69% Vaccination Rate

New York, NY – In a statement, Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that a special fireworks show was planned tonight to celebrate New York’s “just over 69%” vaccination rate.

When asked why the celebration wasn’t for the 70% milestone that was a long-time goal for adult vaccinations in the State of New York, the Governor made it clear that he wanted to make it a sex thing.

“Keep in mind, I’m the one that called all New Yorker’s ‘SLUTs,'” Cuomo said earlier today, “I just want to make Covid-19 one big sex joke.”

SUNY Oswego To Allow Taking The Covid Vaccine To Be A Science Elective

Oswego, NY – In an effort to get all students vaccinated by the start of the Fall 2021 Semester, SUNY Oswego has announced that merely getting the vaccine will count as a science elective. A statement from the SUNY Oswego Admissions Office clarified that most students would have just taken an “Easy A” course anyway.

“Let’s be honest, it’s harder for students to be in a 100-level science course than to just have the science in the students,” the statement read. “This will save time for both the students and the poor saps originally assigned to instruct them.”

All students would need to do to qualify is to present their vaccination card to the SUNY Oswego Admissions Office. However, this does raise the fear that students could simply forge a fake vaccination card, as it is important to note that people in Oswego have a hard time discerning fake identification cards in the first place.

Flower City Union Gives Rochester a New Soccer Team To Overlook

Rochester, NY – Soccer is officially back in Rochester, as a new team will be starting in the National Independent Soccer Association. The new team has been named Flower City Union and is set to debut in 2022.

This has led several Rochesterians to wonder if this means that the Rochester Rhinos are gone for good. The answer, surprisingly, is no.

The Rhinos have not played since 2018, but are expected to make their return in 2022, meaning that Rochester will soon have 2 professional men’s soccer teams. Since most people forgot that the Rhinos stopped playing in the first place, it’s safe to say that a lot will forget when these teams first hit the field.

Edit: The Rochester Lancers also still exist, by the way.

Trump 2020 Sign Elected to Penfield Town Board

Penfield, NY –  In a special election, a political sign for Donald Trump’s re-election campaign has been elected to the Penfield Town Board. The Trump 2020 sign (R) is considered a rising political star in Penfield.

“This is a tremendous victory for him,” the sign’s Campaign Manager, Karen White, said on Wednesday. “He perfectly represents the people of Penfield and what they stand for.” White stated that a run for Governor in 2022 is certainly in the cards for the sign. “Think about it. There is no way he can sexually harass anybody, so that’s already one advantage he has over Governor Cuomo.”

The sign’s opponent, a coffee mug that read “The Notorious RBG,” was unavailable for comment.

Microbrewery in Bloomfield to Open a Smaller Microbrewery Inside

Bloomfield, NY – The microbrewery The Country Sip in Bloomfield has announced plans for the opening of a new brewery. While community members expected this to mean a second location was to open, The Country Sip specified that they meant a new microbrewery would be opened in the same building. The new bar, The Little Sipper, is to have its grand opening in July.

“While we have had continued success in the area,” the Owner of The Country Sip, Waylon Milton said, “we realized that we had different, more specific brews that you just don’t see in your average, locally-owned, non-corporate breweries.”

To differentiate itself from the competition, The Little Sipper is to serve “the best of both worlds,” by blending microbrews with classic beer. A sneak preview of the menu on the company’s website boasts drinks such as the “Blackberry Miller Lite IPA,” “Rolling Rock Sour Apple,” and the “Bud Lite Lime Limeade.”

Rochester Americans Request No Sabres be Sent Down to Them This Season

Rochester, NY – Due to the circumstances of the 2020-2021 NHL season, the Rochester Americans have requested that the Buffalo Sabres not send any players down to the AHL ranks this season.

“We are trying to convince them that it is due to safety concerns regarding Covid-19,” an unnamed Team Executive told The Inner Loop Blog. “But let’s be real here, we just want to distance ourselves from what they’ve been doing over there. Especially after that 18 game losing streak.”

The Sabres currently have 9 wins this season, where the Americans have 8. This is in spite of the fact that the AHL season started almost an entire month after the NHL season.