Rochester, NY – Local botanists are sending out a plea for people to support the plant life on Park Ave and to please make time to come downtown to “urinate or vomit into a bush.”

The plant researchers are worried that the flowers, shrubs, trees, and other greenery has gotten used to feeding off of human fluids after years of Park Ave Festival parties. Now they’re showing signs of withdrawal.

“We’ve found several plants growing in the direction of a nearby gutter like they were reaching out for some nastiness,” said Dr. Nate Grassman. “We’re petitioning the city to bus in drunken college students from East/Alexander to give them some nourishment.”