Rochester, NY – Residents awoke to find the streets still stained with the kombucha and blood of hipsters slain in renewed violence between the South Wedge and Park Ave neighborhoods.
Witnesses told reporters that the violence erupted after members from the Park Ave gang cycled into the South Wedge territory and began shouting that Boulder Coffee does not use ethically sourced coffee beans. Infuriated, South Wedge gang members responded by throwing Doc Martens through the window of the Red Fern.
“The smell of death and beard cream still hangs in the air.” one resident said while shaking his head.
Officials estimate that over 30 South Wedge and Park Ave vegetarian hipsters were killed, with at least 15 more vegans wounded.