Academy to Re-Award Driving Miss Daisy Best Picture After “Moonlight Fiasco”

Oscars

The Academy plans to unequivocally re-award Driving Miss Daisy the Academy Award for Best Picture this year, 28 years after it won it the first time, to comfort viewers that despite changes, the Academy is still a cabal of stodgy old white men who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves and their shitty old white man world view.

“We made a mistake choosing Moonlight in the first place”, explained a voter who wished to remain anonymous. “It is not normal for us to let a black guy win unless it’s about slavery or servitude, or if the role is a repugnant, like a corrupt cop or a drug dealer. We heard Moonlight was about a drug dealer, but didn’t realize it was heartwarming, so to compromise, we did the fake out with that movie about white people gentrifying jazz before we actually gave the reward to Moonlight. But now we need to make sure everyone knows we’re the same Academy they’d grown to know and love, or my name isn’t Mel Gibso-…um…’Gary’…” The anonymous Academy member then continued to autofellate himself while watching Birth of a Nation.

Though this year’s Oscars nominees are more diverse than ever since the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, The Academy wants to ensure that they are still the same Academy, hailing movies by white straight men, all while openly snubbing movies by women and people of color, unless the roles they are taking are denigrating, hence the choice for Driving Miss Daisy. It is unconventional to re-award a film that has already on, 28 years ago at that, but as the anonymous voter explained, there just were not any prominent movies that shed minorities in a bad light or made them suffer this year. “We looked very hard”, he said, “but nothing was good enough that people would not suspect anything.”

The Academy also plans to reward a series of racist Looney Tunes cartoons from the 1950s over Coco in the Best Animated Feature category.

 

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