All posts by Djoseph

The Puerto Rican Festival Turns 50 and Won’t Stop Cat-Calling Younger Festivals

Rochester, NY – This year, the Puerto Rican Festival celebrates its 50th birthday and it’s as horny as ever. The PR Fest took some time out of its busy schedule of swimming in pools with its shirt on and driving around white neighborhoods blasting reggaeton out of Mitsubishi Lancer decked out with a giant flag with a frog on it to let us in on some of its all-the favorite festival cat-calls.

Lilac Festival

-Hey beautiful, I know you tired from waiting all day in that kettle korn line.

Let me Li-Lick those feet mami.

(please don’t shame me for my fetish)

Glass Fest (Corning)

-Ay pretty, you call this Glass Fest, to me it seem more like Ass Fest!

(PR fest admits he wasn’t feeling inspired that day)

Rochester International Jazz Festival 

-Well damn look over here! You know what sex and jazz have in common?

I don’t get either!

(please I’m very lonely and insecure)

Sterling Renaissance Festival 

Ay yay yi, I’m bout to get medieval up in dat booty girl!

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Confused Rochesterian Shows up to Protest I.C.E. and Also Snow

Rochester, NY – Nearly a hundred people gathered outside the US customs and border protection office this past Sunday to protest the impending ICE raids on undocumented workers. The Innerloop blog sat down with Jeremy Stevens of Irondequoit who didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Innerloop Blog: So Jeremy what are your feelings on the potential raids by ICE in Rochester?

Jeremy Stevens: I’m completely against them. Ice is so damn cold. And so is snow! It’s the middle of summer for crying out loud! There should be more people out here protesting. I mean, I could see if we were talking Ice Cream, ya know? That’s a delicious treat for the hot days and I wouldn’t mind someone kicking in my door separating me from my family or loved ones and handing me a nutty cone.

Innerloop Blog: wait…what?

Jeremy Stevens: exactly!

Rochester Prepares Itself for the Great Cereal Bar War of 2019

Rochester, NY – Morgan’s Cereal Bar is set to open in September at 320 East Ave, a shot across the bow of Pop Roc, Rochester’s original cereal bar located at 337 East Ave. And like that the die in the Great Cereal Bar War was cast, something Rochesterians will surely be telling their grandchildren and folk songs will be written about.

‘This is almost like opening a bar where you destroy stuff across the street from a bar where you chuck axes but way worse, ya know.” Steve McAdams of Fairport told the Interloop Blog.

Pop Roc, who celebrated its One Year Anniversary back in April not only offers various cereal creation options but also caffeine concoctions, comics, and memorabilia. Morgan’s cereal bar will not only offer cold cereal but also hot cereal. No doubt the cereal bar war will rage on for years leaving hundreds dead and the city in rubble. But there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk.

College Town Found to Have Never Graduated High School

Rochester, NY – College Town, the mixed-use development that opened in 2015 has been revealed to be a fraud.
 “Yeah, me and College Town went to grade school together. His name wasn’t College Town back then, obviously. His name was Geoff. By far the worst way to spell ‘Jeff’ Anyways, he wasn’t the best student, didn’t see him making too much of himself,” an anonymous source told The InnerLoop Blog,
Insomnia Cookies, a long time tenant of College town expressed its disbelief. “What?!? Not even high school? Eh, um quick question, is there a giant monster standing next to you? Oh haha.. of course there isn’t!  Just haven’t slept in 4 years is all…want a cookie?”

U of R Scientists Close to Developing Abbott’s Frozen Custard That Doesn’t Melt in 5-Seconds

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog was able to sit down with UR Scientist, Richard Holbart who after years of research and development is on the verge of a huge breakthrough.

Innerloop: So let’s start by introducing you to our readers. What are some of your other advancements in food?

Holbart: Well, You may know me from my work on Rochester’s own Garbage Plate. I worked tirelessly on developing one that gave you just the right amount of diarrhea.

InnerLoop: And my bowels thank you for it. Now, let’s talk about your inspiration for your current research.

Holbart: Well, one summer day not too long ago I was down at Charlotte getting some Abbott’s with my family. When I was handed my chocolate almond cone I noticed that it was already melting onto my hands and I yelled, ‘What the fuck is this?’ I apologized to my family for my vulgarity and went right to work on developing frozen custard that wouldn’t pull that bullshit. Interloop: I know I speak for the rest of Rochester when I say, thank you and I look forward to a summer of Abbott’s that isn’t more like chocolate gazpacho.

Rochesterians Believe in Global Warming and Wish It Would Stop Taking Its Sweet Time, Study Confirms

Rochester, NY – In the recent wake of low temperatures, The Innerloop Blog conducted a study to see whether or not Rochesterians actually believed in Global Warming.
“Yeah, I believe in it” Alex Holmes of Fairport reported, “and I’m counting on it, I don’t want to move to Florida!” Alex told us that he uses aerosols by the caseload to move the process along. “Oh yeah, I just spray em’ all day!”
Justin Wolcott of Hilton believes in it too. “Hey man I just bought a pool and I need a longer goddamn summer. Yeah, sure it’s above ground but does that matter? Daddy likes to get wet.” Justin told us he’s been running his car for 3 weeks straight in hopes that he’ll burn a hole right through the ozone layer.
Our poll found that 99% of Rochesterians believe in Global Warming and are looking to move the process along. Only one respondent who owns Zoom Tan, and wanted to remain anonymous, reacted poorly to Global Warming stating “I hate it! I don’t need people getting brown for free!”