All posts by Dario Joseph

Years of Being Terrible Son Forgotten After Taking Mother to Brunch at Jine’s

Rochester, NY – Mike Anthony, of Webster well-known for being an atrocious son made amends for his past behavior this Mother’s Day by taking his mom out to brunch at Jine’s on Park Ave. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to hear his thoughts on turning a new leaf.

‘Yeah, I don’t know. I just figured this year I wouldn’t suck, ya know? So I thought what do moms like? Well for one, they don’t like when you live at home at age 35, contribute absolutely nothing, and are a loser just like your father…her words not mine. But hey, you know what they do like? Eggs Benny baby!Extra holiday sauce for the special lady over here!

To Curb City-Wide Problem, RPD to Start Riding Dirt Bikes to Make Them Uncool

Rochester, NY – Over the last month the city has seen an uptick in the number of unregistered dirt bikes and ATVs on the streets and the RPD is at their wit’s end. ‘We’ve tried education, engagement, and in some cases confiscation but everywhere you look REEE REEEEE there’s another one going by,’ a representative for the police force told the Inner Loop Blog. The crackdown is in response to two recent fatal crashes and neighborhood uproar over their potential dangers.

‘We’ve tried everything except the ‘parent method’ What is the parent method you ask? Well, it’s when parents want their children to stop doing something, so they start doing it themselves. No kid wants to be caught doing what the parent is doing because that would be super lame, so they stop doing it. We’re not by any means saying we’re parents but pretty much everyone thinks we suck so anyways we’ll be patrolling the streets like Evel Knievel. Do people know him? Is that an out dated reference?

Jazz Fest Organizers Blame ‘Skeep-Scop de Bop Co-Vid-de-Bop’ for Festival Cancellation

Rochester, NY – Monday, festival organizers released a statement stating that the 2021 event would be canceled for the second year in a row.

‘Listen daddy-o, it’s not about the festivals you play, it’s about the festivals you don’t play, ya dig? Hot can be cool & cool can be hot & each can be both. But hot or cool man, Jazz is Jazz.’

A representative for the organizer told the blog, ‘Uh what he means is that we aren’t getting enough guidance from the State as to what are the correct measures and guidelines to follow regarding capacity and other factors, ya dig?

Perinton Landfill To Be Moved to Greece in Effort To Increase Property Value

Greece, NY – This past week, a new agreement has been reached for Perinton’s ‘High Acres Landfill’ with a move to Greece in the works. ‘We just think it’s a great move for both parties,’ a Monroe County official told the Inner Loop Blog.

The blog caught up with local realtor, Nick Francesca to hear his thoughts on how it will affect the Greece housing market.

‘It’s an exciting time to be a realtor. The landfill coming to the west-side is going to do wonders for the neighborhoods whose value has been plummeting. People are always saying I have trash neighbors, now you actually have neighbors that are trash. Listen, the smell alone that the landfill will bring in will be an improvement. My phone has not stopped ringing since this move was announced!’

City Officials Look To Rejuvenate Downtown With Big Lawn

Rochester, NY – The prized downtown lot, Parcel 5 will become a temporary outdoor entertainment space city officials announced this past week. Parcel 5 is the latest in the long list of projects aimed at bringing people downtown. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with Rick Perkins of Penfield to hear his thoughts on the project.

‘There are few things I love more in this world than a lawn, I’ll tell you what. The bigger, the better. All that green open space, sprawling blades of glorious majesty…I’m sorry, I got a little caught up in the moment. All I want to know is, can I mow it?

‘Yes you can,’ one top city official responded when hearing of the resident’s inquiry. ‘Sundays will be bring your own mower day: rider, push, gas, electric we’ll take all comers. Just bring it out and you too can get a chance at trimming this gigantic lawn. We really think this is going to draw in suburban dads, a demographic we’ve been trying to reach for years.’

Study: Charlotte Beach Still Super Gross

Rochester, NY – Every year around this time, the University of Rochester conducts a study on whether or not Charlotte Beach is still gross. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with the head of the research program, Phil Wright to hear more about what they found.

‘Yep. I’d love to be more technical about all this but I’ll put it in layman’s terms: it’s yucky. It’s a whole lotta ick. Trust me, you don’t want to go in there unless you want to come out all bleh. I’m not sure why we do this study every year but uh..yeah does that answer your question?

Victor Dad Feverishly Prepares Jokes for New Dick’s Store Opening

Victor, NY – Friday, a brand new state-of-the-art Dick’s Sporting Goods store opens in East view Mall. The grand opening is highly anticipated by many in the area but none more that local Victor dad, Stan Levins. The Innerloop Blog caught up with Stan to find out more about what’s got him so excited.

‘Well for starters, the store is named Dick’s. Hehe, you know like dicks. Woo boy, where do I start? My wife wants to go there and I’m like, what? You want to go check out Dick’s? Holy shit! Like the most hilarious joke ever!! Hunny, what did you think of the Dick’s? Guffaw! The jokes are endless. I mean, that is if I had anyone around to make the jokes to… My wife and children left me three years ago. She said I should go work at Dick’s because that’s what I am. Really hurts when the jokes on you.’

Historic Tour Boat Runs Aground Blocking Erie Canal, Causes Kayaker Back Up

Rochester, NY – This past week, while testing the boat for the upcoming season, The Sam Patch ran aground and became stuck in the Erie Canal. Many locals out on the canal were unable to pass including kayakers and canoers. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to hear about what happened.

‘How are we supposed to get all this granola and kombucha we picked up at the market home?, Jefferey Blake of Pittsford told the blog. ‘I’ve got some overnight oats waiting for me at the house and now they’ll be no good! They’re overnight oats, not over day!’

Lilac Festival Announces No Music, Officials Send Wellness Check to Rusted Root

Rochester, NY – Festival organizers announced on Wednesday that the Lilac Festival would be occurring this year however, without live performances. The band, Rusted Root a perennial favorite at the event were shocked by the news.

The Inner Loop Blog caught up with band frontman, Michael Glabicki about the band’s absence from the fest.

‘Yeah man, it really sucks. We’ve been mostly playing bar mitzvahs and children’s birthday parties. The other day we were double-booked with a magician! All we want to do is play a bunch of songs that absolutely no one knows and then close on ‘Send Me On My Way.’ Is that so much to ask?

Purchasers of the Nick Tahous’ Building to Receive Two Car-Sized Pieces of Bread

Rochester, NY – This past week, the building that houses the historic birthplace of the ‘garbage plate,’ Nick Tahou’s at 320 W Main Street, appeared on a local real estate listing, the asking price being $975k. The Innerloop Blog reached out to the service to find out more details on the listing.

“Listen we understand that the price is a little steep but you have to understand this a landmark building that comes with it a restaurant that has a place in food history. Honestly, you can’t put a price on that. Yes, obviously you get two Nissan Sentra-Sized pieces of italian bread to go with the purchase. And heck, you even get a hot-tub full of butter to boot. Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t get the bread either. It helps with digestion? Soaks up the grease or something. Hey, do you want the building or not?”

With our limited budget, the blog could only offer $8.99 and an Acme Bar drink coin. The agency has reportedly declined the offer and is no longer taking our calls.