All posts by Dario Joseph

Minor League Baseball’s Cancelation Forces Conehead to Come Home and Meet His Children

Rochester, NY – This past week it was announced that minor league baseball would forgo its 2020 season and no one was more devastated than Western New York beer vendor legend Tom ‘Conehead Girot.  After 40+ seasons of vending, Girot returned home to meet and spend time with his children who are now in their twenties. The Inner Loop blog was able to catch up with Tom and he told us how this long-overdue meeting felt.

 “I’m just so excited to get to know all my children. First, get to know their names… then teach them everything I know about being a great beer and snack vendor. The old Conehead guarantee used to be you get a warm beer from me, you get it for free but the new one is I’m going to be around a lot more and not wear the cone at the house…Doesn’t rhyme but it’s more poignant I think. 

 

East Rochester Official Ordered to Remove Burning Cross From Lawn

East Rochester, NY – “But everyone in the neighborhood loves it,” Howard Lampen told the Inner Loop blog describing the ten-foot burning cross in his front yard. “I think they said it was political or offensive or something but honestly I think it’s pretty benign. I mean how can you argue against it? All it is is a cross…burning; ain’t got no connotation or nothing attached to it. I mean it’s my lawn, ain’t it?”

We reached out to the village of East Rochester for comment on the violation, “Oh he thought we told him to remove it because it was racist? Oh no, no, no, it’s just too close to his house. If he would move it back 10-15 feet he’ll be up to code. Oh boy, what a goof”

Upon Re-Opening, The Little Theatre Will Require Moviegoers to Only Wear a Little Mask

Rochester, NY  – As the region enters Phase 4 of re-opening, local movie theater, The Little has released a statement outlining its updated policies. The Inner Loop Blog was able to get an early edition of the statement. 

We at The Little are very excited to welcome back movie and popcorn lovers alike but first, we must talk safety. Due to the size of our theater, we have been advised to follow different Covid Precautions. 

  • Moviegoers must wear a mask but it can be a little one. Like one a baby would wear. Like a thong for your face. Don’t think G-string. 
  • Patrons are encouraged to wash their hands but can wash just one hand if inclined. Choose the hand that you do all the freak nasty stuff with. 
  • Stay home if you are feeling sick. Please, if you are coughing, have a fever or otherwise just have a general look of illness stay home. Let’s try to keep the horror to the movies. 
  • We’ll be doing our part by cleaning every other seat and keeping the floors sticky so you get that genuine small theater feel. 

We look forward to seeing you and if you sneeze at any point during a screening you will be banned for life. 

Mutual Hate of People Setting off Fireworks Brings City Together

Rochester, NY – “With everything going on nowadays, it’s really refreshing to have a common enemy,” Bob Andersen of the South Wedge told the Inner Loop Blog. That enemy he is referring to is of course the person or persons who are setting off the nightly firework display to the pleasure of no one.

“Yeah so, I’ve put together a group to find these a-holes. Everyone is welcome. Every race, religion, nationality, it’s really quite nice…getting to know my neighbors ya know? We’ve got a potluck this week and an ice cream social on Sunday. Ahmed from two houses down brought over some really tasty homemade hummus on Monday…and Lucy from the corner house, well let me say Lucy and I are going on our second date this weekend. The whole community is represented and united against this common threat. I guess what I’m saying is these dumb-dumbs lighting up the sky and interrupting my sleep have been really been a blessing. Also when we find who is doing it, we will kill them.

 

Expectant Albion Couple Unsure of What to Do With Their Confederate Flag Painted Nursery

Albion, NY – “Well dang, if it wasn’t just the worst week ever,” Garret Jacobs of Albion told The Inner Loop Blog. “First, they go bannin’ my favorite flag and then my favorite Nascar racer says he’s calling it quits. What’s next, they gon go and take all da guns outta looney tunes?

Garret was especially distraught because he and his girlfriend were expecting and he had surprised her by painting the nursery ‘rebel flag’ colors. “All I want is for my child to be raised right. Ya know? I want that little sponge of a mind soakin’ in all that imagery so she can grow up to hate other people for no reason too.

When asked if he intended to keep the baby’s room painted that way Garret responded, “Does a bear shit in the woods and then take all the other woodland creature’s jobs so that we got to build a big ol’ wall to keep em’ out?’ We think that means, yes.

Local Fire Department Warns Residents Against Using Water in Case of Greece Fire

Greece, NY – Over the last couple of weeks a string of fires have occurred in the ‘well-respected’ westside town. Greece fire captain, Anthony Gubliota spoke at a recent town meeting and The Inner Loop blog was there to hear what he had to say.

‘Listen everybody, I know if you’ve got a fire everyone right away wants to get water but not here, not in Greece. OK. You following me? Here, if there’s a fire, you just let it burn. Let it burn until there’s just a pile of ashes and then we’ll come with a big broom to sweep em’ up. Then the family that lived there can move to a different, better town say like I don’t know Penfield or something…probably can’t afford Pittsford or Brighton. But anyways, repeat after me everyone Stop, Drop and leave Greece as fast as you can.”

 

‘Gary-the-Happy-Pirate’ Speaks Out Against Former Bandmate ‘Steve-The-Abusive-Cop’

Rochester, NY – Following the murder of George Floyd and the subsequent protests, many have been speaking out about the injustices that they have experienced at the hands of the police. This past week Gary Smith more commonly known as Gary the Happy Pirate, the recently retired beloved children’s performer contacted the Inner Loop Blog to speak about his tumultuous past with his former bandmate, Steve the Abusive Cop.

‘Yeah we all thought it was an odd choice of name, you know especially since we were performing for children. The kids didn’t like him too much and to be honest he didn’t help himself.  The first show he pulled a gun on a little girl because he said he said she wasn’t having enough fun. The dude would just fly off the handle, for barely any reason, pretty sure he was taking steroids and cocaine because once I walked in on him taking steroids and cocaine. I’m not sure what happened to Steve but I sure hope he got the help he needed. Also, he didn’t even really play an instrument, he would just blow a whistle every once in a while and glared at everyone. What. A. Psycho.’

‘Don’t They Have Jobs?’ Pittsford Mom Who Has Never Worked A Day In Her Life Types Below Article

Pittsford, NY – Upon seeing images of the protests in Downtown Rochester over the last couple of weeks, Nancy Stevens of Pittsford left her comment and added ‘I mean seriously,’ closing her laptop in a huff. The Inner Loop blog caught up with Nancy and asked her if she would like to expand on her comment.

Inner Loop: So Nancy, we looked into it and turns out that many, if not all of the people at the protest downtown do currently or lost their jobs due to closings caused by the pandemic. Also, some of them took time off from their work to dedicate themselves to a cause that is meaningful. While you’re free to comment below any post, it shows your ignorance to what is truly going on and contributes absolutely nothing to society.

Nancy: Did you have a question?

Inner Loop: No.

RPD Handcuff 10 Year Old at Party to Keep Them Safe From Birthday Candles

Rochester, NY – Rochester Police responded to a call in the city Wednesday evening and found a disturbing scene. ‘Open flames on top of a baked good is in clear violation of at least 3 city codes,’ an officer on the scene reported to the Inner Loop blog. ‘The child kept trying to get close to the fire and no one at the party would stop him, kept yelling something about making a wish, we had no choice but to cuff him.’

‘We had the situation completely under control,’ the boy’s mother told The Inner Loop. ‘The police used excessive force and can someone tell me why they were even there?’

The birthday incident follows a sudden rash of police in the city cracking down on pre-teens. ‘Listen, in the academy, they told us even if they’re too young to pose absolutely any threat, cuff em.’ an officer that preferred to remain unnamed told The Inner Loop. ‘It’s cuffing season out there. That’s an RPD inside joke hehe’

Porn Hub Threatens Lawsuit Over Lollipop Farm’s New ‘Kitten Cam’

Perinton, NY-  In an effort to help new kittens in the area find a ‘forever home’ Lollypop Farm this past week launched their new ‘kitten cam,’ a live feed of the human society’s cutest felines. ‘We’re so excited about the positive response this has gotten!,’ a representative for Lollypop told the Inner Loop Blog. Unfortunately, not everyone is as excited.

Porn Hub, the adult streaming behemoth issued a statement Tuesday condemning the use of ‘Kitten Cam’ pointing out that the company has been using that same name for one of its webcam services since 2013. ‘Kitten Cam, Kitty Cam, Here Kitty Kitty Cam, Kit-Kat Skat Cam’ and ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Cam’ are all trademarked and the use of is strictly prohibited without Porn Hub’s expressed permission.

‘We hope that this doesn’t get messy’ a representative for PH told the Inner Loop. ‘I mean,  don’t get us wrong, we like messy but not in the legal sense. You get it.’