All posts by Dario Joseph

Jazz Fest Organizers Admit Mistake, Meant to Book Renowned Saxophonist, Thickie Robinson

Rochester, NY – This past week, Jazz Festival organizers announced the full lineup of musical acts, including headliner, Robin Thicke. The artist most famous for the 2013 hit, ‘Blurred Lines,’ according to a source close to him, ‘was extremely surprised by the booking.’

Jazz Fest organizers were surprised as well, saying that an intern put in charge of messaging prospective artists booked the wrong musician.

‘We are disappointed at this miscue and send out regards to Thickie Robinson, famous saxophonist, who we meant to book. Thickie is regarded as one of the most influential jazz musicians of all time and we hope to have him as part of the fest in the future’

Multiple Reports of Frantic 911 Calls Describing Unknown Glowing Orb in the Sky

Rochester, NY – ‘I honestly forgot what it looked like, it’s been so long,’ Scott Adams of Fairport told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘My only thought was, I need to tell authorities and also to stop staring directly into it’

The 911 dispatch was flooded with similar calls all screaming about the same thing. The blog was able to catch up with exhausted dispatcher Jessica Watkins, following her shift.

‘It was crazy! I kept telling people, that’s the sun. And they kept saying, THE WHAT?! Honestly, I’m glad some of them called me because a few of them actually had to go to the hospital on account of them being blinded and shit. Makes sense since we only see it a few days a year.’

Anti-Mask Gym Introduces New, ‘Catch Covid, Drop Weight’ Program

Rochester, NY – This past week, a local gym chain posted a sign at all their locations stating that they would not be following the NYS mask mandate and in conjunction launched their ‘Catch Covid, Drop Weight’ program. “Listen, we’re just getting in on the fad that’s sweeping the country,’ a representative for the chain told The Inner Loop Blog.

‘We even have a special rate for people that are feeling sick. If you’re showing symptoms, you’re getting discounts. We’re really have fun with it, you know?  Hey! What are you doing? Don’t clean that equipment! I’m sorry what was I saying? Oh yeah… You come here, sneeze into a fan, you know really get into it. We’re even replacing all the tanning beds with respirators for those that are really feeling the effects of the er umm.. program. I honestly cannot wait to see how amazing everyone looks!’

NY Post Writer Calls Rochester ‘Beautiful’ To Avoid Future Invites To Red Wings’ Games

Rochester, NY – Saturday night, the Rochester Red Wings hosted their now annual ‘Grim & Depressing’ night in honor of NY Post writer Maureen Callahan’s 2019 story about Wegmans. Callahan was the guest of honor and even threw out the first pitch. The Inner Loop Blog was able to catch up with Maureen for a few comments on her Rochester experience.

‘When I wrote the article, I apparently opened a portal to hell and now I am cursed for eternity. Am I destined to return here year after year? This punishment is unjust and wicked. I’m sorry I said what I did about your city. I regret it a million times over. I believe all of you. All the emails. All the comments. You hear me?!? Your city is beautiful! It’s the opposite of Grim and depressing! Now please, for the love of God, let me move on with my life! So um… Pittsford Wegmans was nice.’

Mayor Warren’s House Listing Highlights Ample Gun Storage And Rugs ‘Perfect To Brush Scandals Under’

Rochester, NY – This past week Mayor Warren put her Rochester home of nearly 16 years on to the market. “She’s just looking for a fresh start,” a representative for the Mayor told the Inner Loop Blog. “These walls have a lot of memories in them and also presumably guns.”

The realtor for the home anticipates a quick sell. “You just don’t see houses with this amount of storage space. It’s like you could put important or dare I say potentially dangerous items away and completely forget about them. In this hot market, it’s such an added bonus”

Local Thrifters At Lucky Flea Snag Amazing Deal On Barely Used Grandma

Rochester, NY – A brand new vintage flea market dubbed ‘The Lucky Flea’ has attracted thrifters from all over Western New York. While most vendors offer a range of clothing, furniture, or housewares, one booth is offering lightly-used grandmothers called ‘Second Chance Nanas’

‘Who doesn’t want another grandma?’ Ashley Mitkens, owner of Second Chance told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘We have a great selection of Ethels, Roses and Mabels. Even an Agnes, you’ll have to move quickly to get her. All of them can bake, give great hugs and advice and are only vaguely racist. We took our time and curated a collection of the best used grandmas you can find really anywhere.’

Police Search Mayor Lovely’s Home Again, Find No Additional Votes For Her

Rochester, NY – The Democratic Primary concluded yesterday, with incumbent Malik Evans winning big. Tuesday night Mayor Lovely, in a desperate move called the police to search her home for more votes cast for her.

“A couple weeks back, the police stormed her home and found guns and drugs the mayor was completely unaware were there,” said a source close to Mayor Lovely Warren.

“There’s so many nooks and crannies in her place lord knows anything can be hiding in here. So we thought why not get the police over there to find some of those primary votes for her. Lo and behold, they found some votes! Only they had Malik Evans name on them so I told the police they could throw those away and stop looking around before they find more bad stuff. Nooks and crannies I say!”

Next Penfield School Board Meeting To Be Packaged As Pay-Per-View Event

 Penfield, NY – At a Penfield Board of Education Meeting this past Tuesday, things got heated between a board member and parent. While some Penfield District officials are calling the behavior ‘unacceptable’ others are seeing dollar signs.

“The video of the exchange got thousands of views, we’ve got to cash in on those views,” one Penfield official who wanted to remain anonymous told the Inner Loop Blog.

“Listen we need to up the ante at the next meeting. It’s going to be held in a cage with barbed wire! You don’t agree that diversity awareness should be taught in schools, throw that board member through a table! Have issues with the school mask policy, hit ’em in the face with a steel chair! It’s going to be the event of the year!”

Red Wings Catcher’s Choice To Wear Mask During Game Causes Controversy

Rochester, NY – The Rochester Red Wings played their home-opener this week to much local excitement and fanfare but it wasn’t with out controversy. ‘I don’t understand it,’ Rick Edwards of Penfield told The Inner Loop Blog. ‘That player is vaccinated and he’s still out there wearing a mask. It’s completely unnecessary. And look at! It’s got metal bars on the top and bottom, a little overkill if you ask me!

The Blog reached out to the player for comment: Um… yeah so it’s a catcher’s mask. I wear it so I don’t get duffed in the head with a baseball. But on the subject, I’m not vaccinated. I don’t believe in any of that hootenanny. I heard they put pig dna in it. Have you heard that?

Chicken Wing Shortage Leaves Locals With No Choice but To Drink Bleu Cheese Straight

Rochester, NY – Nationwide chicken shortages due to higher demand and lowered factory output have put a strain on restaurants in the area. The beloved Western New York bar food chicken wings, is now in scarce supply. The Inner Loop Blog spoke with an area man, Mike Shaw who is unfazed by the situation.

‘Listen, we all know wings are just a bleu cheese delivery system. Finally, we can eliminate the middle man and get right to the bleu. I’ve been thrown out of many an establishment for spooning it right into my mouth. Of course, I generally get sick to my stomach and throw up in the parking lot but it’s all worth it.’

We asked Mike how he felt about ranch, ‘Ranch? How dare you say that filthy word around me. Ranch killed my mother, god rest her soul. Now, I honor her everyday through my mass consumption of bleu cheese.’