All posts by Dario Joseph

Local Man Fired From Job After Being Indifferent About Bills Playoff Win

Rochester, NY – ‘All I said was, I don’t really care about football,’ Joel Stevens of Penfield told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘Next thing I knew, security was escorting me out the building and I was told not to report back the next day.

The Inner Loop did some research on this and it turns out that Section 16A of the NYS Employment handbook clarifies that ‘if/when the Buffalo Bills are in the playoffs a general indifference to the magnitude of or lack thereof excitement of the rare occurrence gives power to management to dismiss employees at will and with out reason.’

‘I just don’t see what the big deal is.’ Joel told the Blog and we warned him to watch who he said that around if he knows what’s good for him.

With Restrictions Lifted, Greece Family Excited to Have ‘Fancy Meal’ Inside Olive Garden Again

Greece, NY – This past week, Governor Andrew Cuomo lifted restrictions for restaurants located within the orange zone, allowing for indoor dining. The Olive Garden located on Ridge Road in Greece was one such restaurant that opened its doors to patrons excited to enjoy an ‘authentic’ Italian meal.

“I picked up my kids from their father’s house and told them momma’s taking ya’ll out for a fancy meal tonight,’ Monica Lane, mother of four told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘Unlimited breadsticks is for sure worth risking my family’s health over, c’mon now. Listen, it’s been a tough couple of months and I just needed a salad on a chilled plate and a pasta dish smothered with way too much sauce and cheese. I mean, is that so much to ask for? We can’t travel no where on a count of all this covid b.s. but at the Olive Garden, there’s always the Tour of Italy. Now, stuff the rest of them breadsticks in momma’s purse so we can get another order to go.”

‘Finally, a Little Normalcy,’ Says Man Huddled Inside Snow Globe Outside Restaurant

Rochester, NY – ‘Every where I go, I keep asking everyone when’s this pandemic going to be over?’ Mark Johnson of Fairport told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘All I want is for things to go back to the way they were. Well, inside this tiny greenhouse on the lawn of a restaurant I’m back in 2019. It’s really carefree, if I’m being honest I feel like when I’m in here anything is possible. Does my job know where I am? No. Have I gone home to see my wife and kids? No. And I feel like you bringing them up is really bringing down the energy in here. Please, exit the igloo.

Study: Western New York One Bills’ Loss Away From Complete Collapse

Rochester, NY – With Buffalo winning their first playoff game in 25 years, the area has seen a boost in people spending money on food, drinks and tables to light on fire and jump through.

‘The numbers truly are staggering.’ University of Rochester economist Gary Becker told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘The region is dependent on the fate of this football team, quite literally, the Bills pay the bills.’

Victor Man’s Spectacular Christmas Lights Get Wife to Finally Notice Him

Victor, NY – ‘Oh God, something about all those lights drives me wild,’ Donna Winthrop of Victor told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘My husband, Richard put them up a week ago and it’s like a switch inside me has been flipped. People from all over the county come to see them. They slow their cars and roll down their windows for Richard’s lights.’

‘Yeah, she’s crazy horny’ Richard Winthrop told the blog. ‘All over some lights! I think we might have another kid!’

Family Posing for Photo at Wilbert’s Christmas Tree Farm Is Actually Extremely Unhappy

Webster, NY – “This year has just been really tough on all of us,” Samantha Collins told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘Timmy put your goddamn mask back on! But you know we’re trying to make the best of it. Bring a little normalcy…Lisa I swear if you don’t stop hitting your brother with the ax…Got to keep the traditions going…Leave the goats uh lone Timmy! But you know, like I said, we got to make the best of it, oh God I am so sad.’

Out of Work Greece Ridge Mall Santa Arrested for Hooking on Lyell Ave

Rochester, NY – ‘Santa got to pay them bills somehow,’ Steve Romine, a former Greece Ridge Mall Santa Claus told the Inner Loop Blog of his recent prostitution arrest.

‘This year has been especially tough for me and my community. I’m of course talking about mall Santas. Listen, I usually get paid a decent living to have kids sit on my lap, tell me what they want for Christmas, you know the routine. But this year, I’m making a decent living off of grown adults sitting on my lap and having me tell them how naughty they’ve been. And let me be straight with you, they’ve been very very naughty. Anyways, apparently, that’s illegal in the state of New York. Uh, thanks King Cuomo! Now I’ve shaved the beard and I bus tables at the Cheese Cake Factory. It’s not the same but I tell you what, getting paid in avocado egg rolls ain’t as bad as it sounds.’

Secret ‘Underground’ Turkey Trot 5k to Be Run in Abandoned Subway

-Rochester, NY

‘With everything being cancelled this year because of the pandemic, we had to take the Turkey Trot underground…I mean literally under the ground,’ Steve Matthews of Webster told the Inner Loop Blog. Steve has been organizing the event for 10 years, this year if it was going to happen he had to get a little creative.

‘Yeah so this year there is no Turkey Trot,’ Steve told the blog while winking. ‘But if there was one, it would start over by the entrance to the abandoned subway near Dinosaur BBQ.

I’m really excited to hear that it’s still happening,’ Leslie Hall of Penfield told the blog when she heard the news. ‘My sisters and I didn’t make these personalized ‘Hall Lives Matter’ t-shirts for nothing!’

‘I think the new venue will provide a rawness that the run has been missing over the last couple of years’ Steve went on to tell the blog. ‘Honestly, you may be running for your life down there.’

Governor Cuomo Announces That You Can Only Be Thankful for a Maximum 10 Things

Albany, NY – In his latest press conference New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo issued new guidelines on how many things you can be thankful for this holiday. The Inner Loop Blog obtained a transcript of the statement.

‘Listen, I know we’re all tired of new guidelines but when they’re followed they work (points to graphic ‘following rules works’) These new instructions have to do specifically with the holiday. When you list all the things you are thankful for, limit them to a max of 10. This has been passed down from my CDC team as an appropriate number of gratitudes. Okay, I’ll get more specific, if you have children or pets, each one counts as one ‘thankful for.’ You can’t just say children or my pets (points to graphic saying ‘count each one separately’ )

Listen, I understand that this year especially we have a lot to be grateful for but please keep everyone’s’ safety in mind and limit it to 10 or less.

Also, this is unrelated, but when news outlets post this article please disable the comment section and in every article related to me going forward.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Dining Room Table in Irondequoit Stuck Between Orange and Yellow Zones

Irondequoit, NY – The Williams family of Irondequoit knew that Thanksgiving this year would be different. What they didn’t count on, was how different it would be. As plans went ahead with the small holiday gathering, Lisa, the matriarch of the family realized while watching the six o’clock news that one half of their dining room table was in a yellow zone and the other half in an orange zone. The Inner Loop Blog visited the Williams family to see how they were dealing with the crisis.

‘I’ll tell ya, I nearly dropped my Fresca! My own table split between zones. I still can’t believe it. So now I got one side of the table set up with a treadmill, weight rack and salon chair and the other only 33% of people can worship Jesus Christ. I tell ya, Thanksgiving will never be the same again.’