All posts by Djoseph

College Town Found to Have Never Graduated High School

Rochester, NY – College Town, the mixed-use development that opened in 2015 has been revealed to be a fraud.
 “Yeah, me and College Town went to grade school together. His name wasn’t College Town back then, obviously. His name was Geoff. By far the worst way to spell ‘Jeff’ Anyways, he wasn’t the best student, didn’t see him making too much of himself,” an anonymous source told The InnerLoop Blog,
Insomnia Cookies, a long time tenant of College town expressed its disbelief. “What?!? Not even high school? Eh, um quick question, is there a giant monster standing next to you? Oh haha.. of course there isn’t!  Just haven’t slept in 4 years is all…want a cookie?”
Advertisements

U of R Scientists Close to Developing Abbott’s Frozen Custard That Doesn’t Melt in 5-Seconds

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog was able to sit down with UR Scientist, Richard Holbart who after years of research and development is on the verge of a huge breakthrough.

Innerloop: So let’s start by introducing you to our readers. What are some of your other advancements in food?

Holbart: Well, You may know me from my work on Rochester’s own Garbage Plate. I worked tirelessly on developing one that gave you just the right amount of diarrhea.

InnerLoop: And my bowels thank you for it. Now, let’s talk about your inspiration for your current research.

Holbart: Well, one summer day not too long ago I was down at Charlotte getting some Abbott’s with my family. When I was handed my chocolate almond cone I noticed that it was already melting onto my hands and I yelled, ‘What the fuck is this?’ I apologized to my family for my vulgarity and went right to work on developing frozen custard that wouldn’t pull that bullshit. Interloop: I know I speak for the rest of Rochester when I say, thank you and I look forward to a summer of Abbott’s that isn’t more like chocolate gazpacho.

Rochesterians Believe in Global Warming and Wish It Would Stop Taking Its Sweet Time, Study Confirms

Rochester, NY – In the recent wake of low temperatures, The Innerloop Blog conducted a study to see whether or not Rochesterians actually believed in Global Warming.
“Yeah, I believe in it” Alex Holmes of Fairport reported, “and I’m counting on it, I don’t want to move to Florida!” Alex told us that he uses aerosols by the caseload to move the process along. “Oh yeah, I just spray em’ all day!”
Justin Wolcott of Hilton believes in it too. “Hey man I just bought a pool and I need a longer goddamn summer. Yeah, sure it’s above ground but does that matter? Daddy likes to get wet.” Justin told us he’s been running his car for 3 weeks straight in hopes that he’ll burn a hole right through the ozone layer.
Our poll found that 99% of Rochesterians believe in Global Warming and are looking to move the process along. Only one respondent who owns Zoom Tan, and wanted to remain anonymous, reacted poorly to Global Warming stating “I hate it! I don’t need people getting brown for free!”