All posts by Dario Joseph

Victor Resident Marks Himself Safe From Shooting 20 Miles Away

Victor, NY – Tony Manna 47, of Victor woke up Saturday to the horrific news of a mass shooting in the city on Pennsylvania Ave. ‘I knew I had to let all my Facebook friends know I was okay,’ Tony told the InnerLoop Blog. ‘I mean, that’s right down the street and on to 490 for about 15 miles or so from me. I mean a mass shooting in my neighborhood? Oh God, I guess we’ll just have to move again.

State Orders Mandatory Two-Week Quarantine After Visiting Greece

Albany, NY – Following the addition of 10 more states to the NYS travel ban, Governor Andrew Cuomo added the suburb of Rochester, Greece to the list noting that a 2-week quarantine may not be enough if you happen to travel there.

‘Listen I’m going to straight with you, the place is gross. Do you remember the Ninja Turtles? Remember where they lived? The sewers, that’s right. Greece is like the sewers. You understand? Very yucky. Listen, you’re going to want to burn the clothes you were wearing and take a long hot shower and then quarantine for 2 weeks. That’s it. Burn, shower, quarantine. Mike, add Greece to the list! Okay, it’s on there.’

Area Tables Breath Sigh of Relief as Buffalo Bills Tailgating Canceled

Buffalo, NY – This past week it was announced that if the 2020 season does in fact happen fans will not be allowed in the stands and that also means no tailgating outside of Ralph Wilson. Fans in Buffalo and the surrounding areas are devastated by the news as the tradition of drinking excessively, grilling, and jumping through tables will be broken.

The Inner Loop Blog caught up with a folding table at a local Walmart to hear its side of the story. “Yeah, everyone is all broken up about no tailgating but not us tables. This is the best news we could get. It’s been like a tablecide out there! Then they gotta video us getting wrecked and put it on the internet. Unbelievable. We won’t stand for it anymore, but we won’t fold either, you get it.

 

Brighton Woman Accidentally Eats Seasoned Chicken During Black Restaurant Week

Rochester NY – Rochester’s first Black Restaurant Week started on Monday putting a focus on a different black-owned eatery every day. Marsha Knox of Brighton ventured out into the city to show her support and the Inner Loop Blog was there to capture her reaction.

“Oh my heavens that’s spicy” Marsha exclaimed as she started her meal at Unkl Moe’s BBQ. “Ma’am that’s the napkin,” a worker behind the counter informed Marsha.

Marsha intends to visit another black-owned restaurant but not until she recovers from burns to her face, mouth, and tongue from eating the spicy cajun chicken at Unkl Moe’s. “You’ve got to send me the recipe!” she yelled as she was taken away on a stretcher.

 

Legendary Film Critic Jack Garner Leaves Positive Review of Life in Will

Rochester, NY – This past week long-time local film critic Jack Garner passed away at the age of 75. During his storied career Garner reviewed hundreds of films but left one for the very end, the review of his life. The Inner Loop blog was able to obtain an excerpt from his will/life review.

10/10

My life was a rare achievement, I highly recommend it. Although it started slow, the pace picked up and did not lag until the very end. Thanks to the stunning performances of my wife and three children, my life was as fulfilling as it was miraculous. I have nothing bad to say, simply perfection!

 

Minor League Baseball’s Cancelation Forces Conehead to Come Home and Meet His Children

Rochester, NY – This past week it was announced that minor league baseball would forgo its 2020 season and no one was more devastated than Western New York beer vendor legend Tom ‘Conehead Girot.  After 40+ seasons of vending, Girot returned home to meet and spend time with his children who are now in their twenties. The Inner Loop blog was able to catch up with Tom and he told us how this long-overdue meeting felt.

 “I’m just so excited to get to know all my children. First, get to know their names… then teach them everything I know about being a great beer and snack vendor. The old Conehead guarantee used to be you get a warm beer from me, you get it for free but the new one is I’m going to be around a lot more and not wear the cone at the house…Doesn’t rhyme but it’s more poignant I think. 

 

East Rochester Official Ordered to Remove Burning Cross From Lawn

East Rochester, NY – “But everyone in the neighborhood loves it,” Howard Lampen told the Inner Loop blog describing the ten-foot burning cross in his front yard. “I think they said it was political or offensive or something but honestly I think it’s pretty benign. I mean how can you argue against it? All it is is a cross…burning; ain’t got no connotation or nothing attached to it. I mean it’s my lawn, ain’t it?”

We reached out to the village of East Rochester for comment on the violation, “Oh he thought we told him to remove it because it was racist? Oh no, no, no, it’s just too close to his house. If he would move it back 10-15 feet he’ll be up to code. Oh boy, what a goof”

Upon Re-Opening, The Little Theatre Will Require Moviegoers to Only Wear a Little Mask

Rochester, NY  – As the region enters Phase 4 of re-opening, local movie theater, The Little has released a statement outlining its updated policies. The Inner Loop Blog was able to get an early edition of the statement. 

We at The Little are very excited to welcome back movie and popcorn lovers alike but first, we must talk safety. Due to the size of our theater, we have been advised to follow different Covid Precautions. 

  • Moviegoers must wear a mask but it can be a little one. Like one a baby would wear. Like a thong for your face. Don’t think G-string. 
  • Patrons are encouraged to wash their hands but can wash just one hand if inclined. Choose the hand that you do all the freak nasty stuff with. 
  • Stay home if you are feeling sick. Please, if you are coughing, have a fever or otherwise just have a general look of illness stay home. Let’s try to keep the horror to the movies. 
  • We’ll be doing our part by cleaning every other seat and keeping the floors sticky so you get that genuine small theater feel. 

We look forward to seeing you and if you sneeze at any point during a screening you will be banned for life. 

Mutual Hate of People Setting off Fireworks Brings City Together

Rochester, NY – “With everything going on nowadays, it’s really refreshing to have a common enemy,” Bob Andersen of the South Wedge told the Inner Loop Blog. That enemy he is referring to is of course the person or persons who are setting off the nightly firework display to the pleasure of no one.

“Yeah so, I’ve put together a group to find these a-holes. Everyone is welcome. Every race, religion, nationality, it’s really quite nice…getting to know my neighbors ya know? We’ve got a potluck this week and an ice cream social on Sunday. Ahmed from two houses down brought over some really tasty homemade hummus on Monday…and Lucy from the corner house, well let me say Lucy and I are going on our second date this weekend. The whole community is represented and united against this common threat. I guess what I’m saying is these dumb-dumbs lighting up the sky and interrupting my sleep have been really been a blessing. Also when we find who is doing it, we will kill them.

 

Expectant Albion Couple Unsure of What to Do With Their Confederate Flag Painted Nursery

Albion, NY – “Well dang, if it wasn’t just the worst week ever,” Garret Jacobs of Albion told The Inner Loop Blog. “First, they go bannin’ my favorite flag and then my favorite Nascar racer says he’s calling it quits. What’s next, they gon go and take all da guns outta looney tunes?

Garret was especially distraught because he and his girlfriend were expecting and he had surprised her by painting the nursery ‘rebel flag’ colors. “All I want is for my child to be raised right. Ya know? I want that little sponge of a mind soakin’ in all that imagery so she can grow up to hate other people for no reason too.

When asked if he intended to keep the baby’s room painted that way Garret responded, “Does a bear shit in the woods and then take all the other woodland creature’s jobs so that we got to build a big ol’ wall to keep em’ out?’ We think that means, yes.