All posts by Dario Joseph

Local Thrifters At Lucky Flea Snag Amazing Deal On Barely Used Grandma

Rochester, NY – A brand new vintage flea market dubbed ‘The Lucky Flea’ has attracted thrifters from all over Western New York. While most vendors offer a range of clothing, furniture, or housewares, one booth is offering lightly-used grandmothers called ‘Second Chance Nanas’

‘Who doesn’t want another grandma?’ Ashley Mitkens, owner of Second Chance told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘We have a great selection of Ethels, Roses and Mabels. Even an Agnes, you’ll have to move quickly to get her. All of them can bake, give great hugs and advice and are only vaguely racist. We took our time and curated a collection of the best used grandmas you can find really anywhere.’

Police Search Mayor Lovely’s Home Again, Find No Additional Votes For Her

Rochester, NY – The Democratic Primary concluded yesterday, with incumbent Malik Evans winning big. Tuesday night Mayor Lovely, in a desperate move called the police to search her home for more votes cast for her.

“A couple weeks back, the police stormed her home and found guns and drugs the mayor was completely unaware were there,” said a source close to Mayor Lovely Warren.

“There’s so many nooks and crannies in her place lord knows anything can be hiding in here. So we thought why not get the police over there to find some of those primary votes for her. Lo and behold, they found some votes! Only they had Malik Evans name on them so I told the police they could throw those away and stop looking around before they find more bad stuff. Nooks and crannies I say!”

Next Penfield School Board Meeting To Be Packaged As Pay-Per-View Event

 Penfield, NY – At a Penfield Board of Education Meeting this past Tuesday, things got heated between a board member and parent. While some Penfield District officials are calling the behavior ‘unacceptable’ others are seeing dollar signs.

“The video of the exchange got thousands of views, we’ve got to cash in on those views,” one Penfield official who wanted to remain anonymous told the Inner Loop Blog.

“Listen we need to up the ante at the next meeting. It’s going to be held in a cage with barbed wire! You don’t agree that diversity awareness should be taught in schools, throw that board member through a table! Have issues with the school mask policy, hit ’em in the face with a steel chair! It’s going to be the event of the year!”

Red Wings Catcher’s Choice To Wear Mask During Game Causes Controversy

Rochester, NY – The Rochester Red Wings played their home-opener this week to much local excitement and fanfare but it wasn’t with out controversy. ‘I don’t understand it,’ Rick Edwards of Penfield told The Inner Loop Blog. ‘That player is vaccinated and he’s still out there wearing a mask. It’s completely unnecessary. And look at! It’s got metal bars on the top and bottom, a little overkill if you ask me!

The Blog reached out to the player for comment: Um… yeah so it’s a catcher’s mask. I wear it so I don’t get duffed in the head with a baseball. But on the subject, I’m not vaccinated. I don’t believe in any of that hootenanny. I heard they put pig dna in it. Have you heard that?

Chicken Wing Shortage Leaves Locals With No Choice but To Drink Bleu Cheese Straight

Rochester, NY – Nationwide chicken shortages due to higher demand and lowered factory output have put a strain on restaurants in the area. The beloved Western New York bar food chicken wings, is now in scarce supply. The Inner Loop Blog spoke with an area man, Mike Shaw who is unfazed by the situation.

‘Listen, we all know wings are just a bleu cheese delivery system. Finally, we can eliminate the middle man and get right to the bleu. I’ve been thrown out of many an establishment for spooning it right into my mouth. Of course, I generally get sick to my stomach and throw up in the parking lot but it’s all worth it.’

We asked Mike how he felt about ranch, ‘Ranch? How dare you say that filthy word around me. Ranch killed my mother, god rest her soul. Now, I honor her everyday through my mass consumption of bleu cheese.’

Years of Being Terrible Son Forgotten After Taking Mother to Brunch at Jine’s

Rochester, NY – Mike Anthony, of Webster well-known for being an atrocious son made amends for his past behavior this Mother’s Day by taking his mom out to brunch at Jine’s on Park Ave. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to hear his thoughts on turning a new leaf.

‘Yeah, I don’t know. I just figured this year I wouldn’t suck, ya know? So I thought what do moms like? Well for one, they don’t like when you live at home at age 35, contribute absolutely nothing, and are a loser just like your father…her words not mine. But hey, you know what they do like? Eggs Benny baby!Extra holiday sauce for the special lady over here!

To Curb City-Wide Problem, RPD to Start Riding Dirt Bikes to Make Them Uncool

Rochester, NY – Over the last month the city has seen an uptick in the number of unregistered dirt bikes and ATVs on the streets and the RPD is at their wit’s end. ‘We’ve tried education, engagement, and in some cases confiscation but everywhere you look REEE REEEEE there’s another one going by,’ a representative for the police force told the Inner Loop Blog. The crackdown is in response to two recent fatal crashes and neighborhood uproar over their potential dangers.

‘We’ve tried everything except the ‘parent method’ What is the parent method you ask? Well, it’s when parents want their children to stop doing something, so they start doing it themselves. No kid wants to be caught doing what the parent is doing because that would be super lame, so they stop doing it. We’re not by any means saying we’re parents but pretty much everyone thinks we suck so anyways we’ll be patrolling the streets like Evel Knievel. Do people know him? Is that an out dated reference?

Jazz Fest Organizers Blame ‘Skeep-Scop de Bop Co-Vid-de-Bop’ for Festival Cancellation

Rochester, NY – Monday, festival organizers released a statement stating that the 2021 event would be canceled for the second year in a row.

‘Listen daddy-o, it’s not about the festivals you play, it’s about the festivals you don’t play, ya dig? Hot can be cool & cool can be hot & each can be both. But hot or cool man, Jazz is Jazz.’

A representative for the organizer told the blog, ‘Uh what he means is that we aren’t getting enough guidance from the State as to what are the correct measures and guidelines to follow regarding capacity and other factors, ya dig?

Perinton Landfill To Be Moved to Greece in Effort To Increase Property Value

Greece, NY – This past week, a new agreement has been reached for Perinton’s ‘High Acres Landfill’ with a move to Greece in the works. ‘We just think it’s a great move for both parties,’ a Monroe County official told the Inner Loop Blog.

The blog caught up with local realtor, Nick Francesca to hear his thoughts on how it will affect the Greece housing market.

‘It’s an exciting time to be a realtor. The landfill coming to the west-side is going to do wonders for the neighborhoods whose value has been plummeting. People are always saying I have trash neighbors, now you actually have neighbors that are trash. Listen, the smell alone that the landfill will bring in will be an improvement. My phone has not stopped ringing since this move was announced!’

City Officials Look To Rejuvenate Downtown With Big Lawn

Rochester, NY – The prized downtown lot, Parcel 5 will become a temporary outdoor entertainment space city officials announced this past week. Parcel 5 is the latest in the long list of projects aimed at bringing people downtown. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with Rick Perkins of Penfield to hear his thoughts on the project.

‘There are few things I love more in this world than a lawn, I’ll tell you what. The bigger, the better. All that green open space, sprawling blades of glorious majesty…I’m sorry, I got a little caught up in the moment. All I want to know is, can I mow it?

‘Yes you can,’ one top city official responded when hearing of the resident’s inquiry. ‘Sundays will be bring your own mower day: rider, push, gas, electric we’ll take all comers. Just bring it out and you too can get a chance at trimming this gigantic lawn. We really think this is going to draw in suburban dads, a demographic we’ve been trying to reach for years.’