Hilton, NY – Residents of Hilton are up in (track mark covered) arms today as Governor Cuomo has announced that there will be a new law that forces residents to purchase food along with their black tar heroin.

The move comes in an attempt to limit unnecessary gatherings during the pandemic as studies show the number 2 most enjoyed activity in Hilton was “buying heroin” right behind bowling at Pleasure Lanes while high on meth.

Many have complained that this new law infringes on their god-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of narcotics.