Rochester, NY – Finally a Nightclub You Can Feel Good About! Wegmans announced today they will be moving into the nightlife business with the new “Shopper’s Club” downtown Rochester dance nightclub.

“It will be a mix of TiLt, Dubland Underground, and the Wegmans Market Café” said club promoter Wanny Degman. “We’re going to have pizza, subs, sushi, and specialty Wegmans cocktails mixed with the flavored seltzer water you all love.”

Owners say they have rigged the old self-playing pianos from the food courts to play modern dubstep and pop remixes.

Darien, NY – The waterpark at Six Flags Darien Lake had patrons running for shore after a chemical changed the water to an eery green color.

Organizers decided to add a chemical agent to the water to detect which patrons were going #1 but quickly realized there pee levels were at record highs when the entire park started to glow.

“We were standing under the barrel in Pirate’s Cove and it was like an airplane dropped a load of radioactive goo on us,” said one park attendee.

“We tried to close down the pools to get things sorted out but the people from Rochester refused to get out,” said Lifeguard Stephen Glandsburg. “They said they live near the Genesee River and sketchy water doesn’t freak them out.”

Rochester,NY- Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery. These are the nine circles of hell, but today is a big day. Satan has just announced that this year they are set to add the east avenue Wegmans parking lot as a much awaited tenth circle of hell. We spoke with the leader of hellfire himself to see how excited he is for this new addition.

“You know, the minute I drove into the east avenue Wegmans parking lot, I knew it was a match made in hell. Seriously, it has to be one of the most disorganized, chaotic messes I’ve ever seen or had to be apart of! This is coming from a guy who single-handedly created the bubonic plague! I mean I love Wegmans, don’t get me wrong, but were they trying to create a new circle of hell for me? It feels like it, you know I thought the circle of gluttony and lust was a pretty raw deal, but I can’t wait to see the face on some of the newcomers when they realize they’re stuck in a never-ending bumper to bumper of the wegmans parking lot. Very excited for this new addition and I can’t wait to hear some of the feedback from the regulars”

Satan plans on adding this circle in the next month or so. He said he even may have potential plans for an eleventh circle of hell being a guy who can’t remember his Netflix password to save his life.