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Arby’s on Monroe Ave Not Sure How It’s Still Here Either

ROCHESTER, NY – Upon hearing news it may be replaced by a Burger King, the Arby’s on the corner of Monroe & Alexander expressed apathy and slight surprise that it’s made it this long.

“I mean, I get we’ve had a slight uptick in overall popularity from the whole Jon Benjamin ‘we have the meats for sandwiches’ campaign. But me? This Arby’s? I mean our food sucks and there’s a McDonald’s literally across the street with cheaper shit food, so what’s my purpose?”

Taking a long drag from a used cigarette he found in the grass, the restaurant regaled us on the sights he’s seen in recent years “I think it’s time to go because I’ve been robbed, pissed on too many times to count by the same homeless guy who tried to have sex with my gutter drain, and read the weirdest reviews ever like last year some guy named “Jesus Lives” said verbatim “Classic roast beef had better meat was tough flavor there really???” So like where do I go from there?”

It’s important to note that is a real review on Google.

Times Square Building Will Test It’s Alien Defense Cannon This Weekend, Warn Officials

Rochester, NY – The Times Square Building in Rochester will finally be testing it’s Anti-Alien Cannon this weekend after 90 years of construction.

The Art Deco skyscraper designed by Ralph Thomas Walker in the 1930s is known for it’s “Wings of Progress” that soar into the clouds above the building. But in what has been a poorly kept secret, the Wings are also the barrel of a 6-Trillion Dollar MegaPartical Cannon.

“Where do you think all that tax money that was supposed to go to potholes went? It all goes into building this god dang cannon” joked the Mayor.

City Officials have put out a statement for residents not to be alarmed this Saturday during the test.

The press release states:

“If you see a giant blue blast in the sky, we’re not under attack, we’re just getting prepared for one. Also, if this is an Alien that has intercepted this message, just be warned. If you show up to Rochester, we’re going to blow up your shit. Yee, yee. Check yo shit. Beeeeeeettttchhhh.”