GREECE, NY—A local crustacean is finding the post-Red Lobster life a bit tougher than expected. The lobster, known only by his tank name “Clawdius,” is reportedly struggling to fit in after being moved from the shuttered Red Lobster in Henrietta, NY to a new tank in Greece, NY.
Sources close to Clawdius say that the lobster, who had grown accustomed to the bustling atmosphere of the Henrietta location, has been grappling with feelings of isolation and disorientation since the move.
“At Henrietta, Clawdius was part of a vibrant community,” said Tank 3’s resident shrimp, Clicky. “We had a real sense of camaraderie there. The staff would talk to us, kids would tap on the glass, and every now and then, we’d get a free view of the lobster fest action. Here, it’s just not the same.”
Clawdius, who is approximately six years old—middle-aged in lobster years—had spent his entire life at the Henrietta Red Lobster. He had become something of a local legend, often referred to as “the Big Claw” by regular patrons and staff. However, his new home in Greece has proven to be an unfriendly environment for the former tank star.
“Everything is different here,” Clawdius said in an exclusive interview conducted via aquatic telepathy. “I am pretty sure the water in the tank is leftover pasta water and these new guys aren’t impressed at all about the one time I almost pinched a kid’s finger. One of them said ‘talk to me when you’ve stabbed your own wife with a steak knife pal.'”
While Clawdius tries to adjust to his new surroundings, the restaurant’s management has been slow to recognize his plight. “We just figured a lobster’s a lobster,” said local Red Lobster manager, Linda Prescoli. “We didn’t realize there was such a deep emotional life behind those beady little eyes.”
Efforts to help Clawdius acclimate have so far proven ineffective. The staff recently tried to give him a tattoo that said “la famiglia” and even asked the Greece Police Department to come in and pretend Clawdius had shoplifted at the Greece Ridge Mall.