Washington DC – Millions of dollars in U.S. military weapons and vehicles were left in Afghanistan when the military pulled out of the country and America wants it back.

“I have decided to send in a force stronger than even SEAL Team Six,” said President Biden in a press conference this morning. “I have partnered with Wegmans Food Markets to send in their asset protection team to retrieve the weapons that got left behind.”

Not much is known yet about the plan to send in this elite security force but some military strategists say “based on how quickly these folks can take care of a shoplifter, we are expecting to have all of our assets back within the month.”

Wegmans could not be reached for a statement but the Innerloop’s Helping Hands insiders have told us the partnership with the US government will mean their Asset Protection team will get military training. “If you thought the AP SUVs in the parking lot were intimidating, wait until they come back with drone piloting experience. We’re predicting security bots hovering in the Pittsford Weggies by this time next year.”