ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Red Wings have had some shaky ups and downs in their recent seasons. From becoming garbage plates to playing like literal garbage, there hasn’t been much room for improvement for these silly little scamps. Seasonal attendance has been at an all-time low, according to a study that we just made up.
But hope seems to be coming down the pipeline for the Rochester Plates. In a blatantly inorganic way to increase youth fan turnout, the stadium and the team have introduced the Seventh Inning Yoga stretch. For 23 minutes every game, the average run time of an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the team will guide the audience through yoga and meditation to improve the chakras of all participants.
The yoga area will overtake all corn hole and yard game areas of the stadium. To quote the Rochester Red Wings owner “I’d rather see some hot blondies stretching out their mid-rift then those loud, bloated frat kids tossing their bean bags back and forth.”
The team yoga stretch seems to be the first of many updating techniques the Red Wings are choosing to jump back into the zeitgeist of society. Some locker rooms have been talking about the transition to the use of cage-free baseball and tofu catchers mitts. For those updates and more, stay tuned to the Inner Loop. Where the news meets some crude dudes.