All posts by 1999mcl

Klassy Cat Alumni to Put on Holiday Charity Show at Liberty Pole

Rochester, NY-In an effort to raise money for charity, Rochester strippers have banded together to put on a show at the Liberty Pole just in time for the holidays. Some strippers are even adopting holiday-themed names for the occasion such as Candi Cane and Ginger Breasts.

The crumpled-up singles raised at this show will go directly to COVID-19 relief. When asked for comment, Candi Cane said “It’s going to be such a magical night and we’re really helping a good cause.”

Strippers have also prepared dances to holiday favorites such as “White Christmas” “The Dreidel Song” and “Dominic the Donkey”. For showtimes and dates, be sure to consult your friend from Greece who frequents local strip clubs “for the buffet.”

9/10 Rochester Doctors Recommend Leaving Rochester And Not Looking Back As A Cure For Seasonal Depression

Rochester, NY – In a recent survey, 9 out of 10 Rochester doctors have recommended getting the hell out of Rochester and not looking back as a cure for seasonal depression.

When asked for comment, Dr. John Roth said “Leave. Get out. Do not, under any circumstances look back. It’s for your own good.” Roth also suggested relocating to places with a warmer climate, such as Hawaii, the Carolinas, or even Hell.

When pressed to explain all of the Yo-Yo Rochestericans (people that move out of town only to move back) Dr. Roth simply stated that “people tend to block out trauma. These folks leave and choose to remember ‘seasons’ but completely blackout memories of Lake Effect Snow.”

Lux Patrons Now Encouraged To Cut Their Coke With Their Vaccination Card

South Wedge, NY – This week drug dealers downtown launched a “Vax Up, Snort Up” campaign and started their outreach at Lux Lounge. The campaign encourages patrons to cut their coke with vaccination cards.

When surveyed, The Inner Loop Blog found that 19% of Lux patrons believed that cocaine killed the coronavirus. “Vax Up, Snort Up” was created to help combat this stupidity. The dealers are also working with local printers to offer free lamination of vaccination cards to aid in “getting crisp and straight lines”.

Experts predict that after a week of the campaign that the Lux Bathroom will be more informative and persuasive than any of Governor Cuomo’s press conferences.

Seabreeze to Open New Ride That Simulates the Feeling of Driving on 490

Irondequoit, NY-Get ready to come get your summer! Seabreeze has just opened a brand new ride for their 2021 Season. The Vroom Vroom Express will simulate the feeling of driving on 490.

The ride will use cutting edge technology such as a local high school student pressing play on a YouTube video of 490 and fans purchased from the dollar store to give it a real “windows down feeling” as stated by the Seabreeze management team.

Marcus Portsmouth of Penfield was one of the first to ride on The Vroom Vroom Express. When asked for comment, he said “The pot hole effects were alright, but it lacked the general vibe of seventy in a forty-five that I was looking for”.

Your Lame Acquaintance From High School Announces Podcast Reviewing Garbage Plates

Webster, NY- Jonathan Greer, who you’re pretty sure you went to high school with, has announced his new podcast, Plates4Dayz. The podcast will feature Greer reviewing Garbage plates from local restaurants as well as getting black out drunk every episode. Contrary to Greer’s belief, no one asked for this. Literally, not a single soul.

When asked why, Greer responded “I just think it’s what we need right now. Plus, my mom said she was going to kick me out of the house if I didn’t find something to do with my life other than getting stoned and going to Radio Social”.