Puerto Ricans Eagerly Await Bob Lonsberry’s Report on St. Patrick’s Day Arrests

ROCHESTER, NY – As a dedicated reporter of blight of crime in Rochester, Local Puerto Rican residents are eagerly awaiting radio host Bob Lonsberry’s post-St. Patrick’s Day report on how many arrests were made after Parade Weekend, especially since St. Patrick’s Day weekend regularly yields more arrests in one day than the Puerto Rican Day Festival does over the span of three.

“I’m very excited. He is always concerned about crime at these festivals”, says pediatrician Enrique Colón. “One year, he went to the Puerto Rican Festival and followed us around, looking for crime. I was trying to enjoy my pasteles, and he came running up on me with his phone and a dumb grin on his face. He was like Jane Goodall with a selfie stick!” It is quite possible that Mr. Lonsberry thought that Puerto Rican festival attendees were gorillas, the go-to subjects of study for Dr. Jane Goodall, since he once thought that a black mayor was an orangutan.

Though the 20 arrests that year at the three-day PR Festival were still fewer per day than the 257 St. Patrick’s Day arrests in one night, Lonsberry has yet to make a long write up about the activities of St. Patrick’s Day weekends. “Maybe it is taking him longer the write about it because there are so many more arrests in one night! I’m sure he is taking his time to get the facts straight”, Colón posits.

Colón’s black colleague Stanley could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy laughing.


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