Tag Archives: Satire

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Joe Burrow Caught on Camera Dipping Wings Into Mayonnaise

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BUFFALO, NY – Forget the bleu cheese vs ranch debate that has raged between Midwest and western NY as likely secret murderer/arsonist and current Bengals QB has been exposed for his love for dipping Buffalo wings in mayonnaise.

This photo submitted by the Innerloop Blog by one depressed Bills Mafia member appears to show Joe Burrow dipping a drum into the sandwich spread. We have sent the image to our youngest cousin who is good with photoshop to see if it has been digitally altered in any way. 

While we consider ourselves tolerant of differing tastes (their spaghetti chili abomination, their gorilla-murdering zoo, Pete Rose) Joe’s affinity crosses an indefinite line that should at the very least land him on the commissioner’s suspension list and the FBI watch list.

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Man dressed as Dracula greatly overestimated positive response he thought he’d receive at Vertex Goth Club

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“I thought these people were into vampires? Why all the dirty looks?” cried Scott Morris, 36 of Pittsford, NY. As he waved his cape around rapidly, defeatedly muttering “bleh, bleh!” to himself in an attempt to impress other patrons at the goth nightclub Vertex.

Many of the club goers scoffed and shot judging glares while Scott persisted, as he made several failed attempts to incorporate his cape into what some could describe as “dancing”

“I really thought this would be a hit, I spent $75 on this costume, and the shop said no returns, so I feel like the only thing I can do is just keep coming here, do he think they just don’t get it? Like maybe they don’t realize I’m a Dracula?” said Morris, confoundedly thinking being “a Dracula” was a thing.

Time will tell whether or not the local man’s attempt to become a new member of the scene at Vertex will be successful or not, although the last interaction he had during the night does seem to give us an indication.

“I vant to drink your bud! haha, hi I’m Scott.” he said, to a women at the bar drinking a Budweiser.

He was promptly removed from the bar as literally everyone hoisted him up over their heads and carried him to his vehicle.

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Man Contemplates which Corn Dog Hut at Lilac Fest Will Give him the Most Diarrhea for his Money.

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“I only get one chance a year, I can’t blow it”

Said Herman Wilsley, a 55 year old Rochester native and once a year corn dog enthusiast.

For Wilsley the annual Lilac Fest isn’t about the flowers or the festivities. It’s about one thing. Corn Dogs.

“I don’t even really like them honestly, but I feel this duty to have one every year, and with so many options, it’s a tough call each year to figure out which establishment can offer him the best deal on a deep fried hot dog on a stick that will almost definitely cause him digestion problems for days after consumption.

“I am a purist, no cheating. Sure I could go for the bacon and cheese filled corn dog and shit my brains out for months, but any schmuck could do that. If it’s not just corn and dog, it ain’t a corn dog baby.”

He said as he smugly took a sip of his 12 dollar coors light.

We were not able to locate Herman later in the day to get a final answer on who he chose, the last time he was seen he was mumbling about mustard as he headed towards the stage, where a band was playing the same Dave Mathews song for the 4th time in a row to resounding applause.

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Hotel Cadillac Shuts Down Leaving Thousands of Bed Bugs Homeless

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The homelessness problem in Rochester has been a long standing issue for the city, an issue that has been made far worse by the announcement that Hotel Cadillac will be shutting down, leaving an estimated 12,000 bed bugs homeless.

The Hotel Cadillac and its harem of beloved bed bugs have been a Rochester staple for years, but as they say, all good, really itchy things must come to an end eventually.

“I have many fond memories of the Hotel Cadillac, and the subsequent infestation of bed bugs that would plague me for months after staying there. It’s sad to see it go.” Said a man who referred to himself only as “Heroin Bob” and offered our reporters a “tug off behind the dumpster for 6 bucks”

(A review of said tug off will be featured in next months “Travel Tips: Where to Find the Best and Worst Dumpster Tug Jobs in Rochester)

Citizens are calling for politicians to do something about this issue.

The head of the Association of Activists for the Homeless and also Bed Bugs for Some Reason (AAHBBSR) had this to say

“We can’t just leave them on the street to die, after all they’ve done for the city? Who amongst us can say that we have not been touched by these beloved creatures? I know I personally had one burrow into my anus, which was an unpleasant yet welcome surprise.”

No word yet on where the bed bugs may be relocated. Many have suggested either funneling them into the 490 hotel or just putting them in Steve’s House.

“Because f*** Steve.”

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Man All Set To Ruin Super Bowl Party With Childish Outburst At Half-Time

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Rochester,NY- We’re all gearing up for the superbowl. The most “American” day of the  year. Beer, football and chicken wing dip. Your buddy Shane is hosting a party and you can’t wait. Yet, we all know what’s going to happen. It happens every year. F***ing Derek has some sort of f***ing meltdown right at half-time. It doesn’t even matter if his team is winning or not. He will find a way to ruin this party. We were able to speak with Derek to see exactly how he’s going to cause a scene at this years superbowl party. Here’s what he had to say!

” I think this year to really get the ball rolling, I’ll throw a couple of passive aggressive comments throughout the game, then to kind of hype things up, I’ll pretend I’m getting into some sort texting fight my ex-girlfriend. That always makes for a good time. Then when that sweet halftime comes around the corner, I’ll jack it up to ninety miles per hour and start screaming at the television. I’ll act like I’m going to call the other team a bunch of “N-words”, but I won’t. People get real tense about that kind of behavior. I have to say this is something I look forward to every year. It’s an honor.

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Where did they get all these pictures of me crying for this Rorschach Test?

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No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)

If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!

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5 Signs Your Stuck Behind That Pedal Pub Tour Thing Again

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Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That f***ing pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again

  1. The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
  2. The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
  3. That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
  4. Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a f***ing half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
  5. You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. F*** your life.
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Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

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Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

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Guy Wearing “Make America Great Again” Sombrero Feels Like An Outsider At Party

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Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”.  David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.

” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”

David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.