Rochester, NY- The room is filled with empty bottles of Genesee beer, the aroma of Doritos and Mountain Dew fill the air. Tonight in the house of David Scheer it’s Super Smash Bros. night.
A night that should be filled with joy and possibly anger and tension is now joined by confusion as well. Meet Aaron Thompson, he has only played Smash Bros. a handful of times, so he thought maybe he wouldn’t be as terrible as expected. The problem that arose with Aaron was not that he sucked, it was that he was completely f***ing clueless as to what was going on. We spoke with Aaron to get the full story.
“I mean honestly, who was this game designed for? All the characters are the size of a thumb tack and there are so many things happening on the screen at once. It’s as if someone just vomited an entire of pack of gummy bears on top of these shitty Nintendo mascots.”
We spoke with some of the others playing to see if they felt the same way. Travis Holtz had this to say:
“I think I picked Luigi, but at this point I’m almost certain that I picked pink Donkey Kong…or wait, maybe I’m that time and watch thing? Or maybe I’m Captain Falcon? Jesus Christ this is impossible, I’m just going to get drunk and keep smashing the B button.”
As the night continued, the arguing went on. We heard such things as:
“You can’t just pick him every single time, its cheap.”
“Can we seriously turn items off.”
“IF I FALL OFF THE STAGE ONE MORE F***ING TIME.”
“Pass the joint, you asshole, I need to calm my nerves.”
The other quotes we heard, we are not at liberty to say, due to the vulgarity and stupidity. As the night ended, the boys agreed, they had no idea what they actually did, But they had a lot of fun doing it.