Easter Miracle: After 3 days down, United Airlines stock Rises again

New York, NY- While it was a nightmare week for the United Airlines Public Relations team, their financial team is celebrating after somehow their stock just has risen from the dead.

“It truly goes to show that even if your CEO straight up defends beating up old Chinese dudes, things can return to normal” says United Junior Account Manager Brian McGorgmult. “The public truly has no attention span. They make their memes for a few days, get bored, and move onto something else. I hate to say it but I think Charlie Murphy dying is the best thing that has ever happened to our company.”

It’s truly a miracle that a the company could see a boost in trading on Wall Street after such a tumultuous week. Shares of United fell as much as 6.3% in pre-market trading, and dropped $1.4 billion from the now $21 billion company by market cap.

We asked our financial expert at The Inner Loop what this all means and he said: “Stop calling me Shane. I am your fathers accountant. You have no money. Why are you doing a blog for free? Are you an idiot?”

 

Rochester Airport Employees To Start Sucker Punching Passengers At Will

Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.

” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”

Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.

Rat leader to give empowering speech of systematic takedown of Chinese restaurants

Rochester, NY- Two beloved local Chinese restaurants have shut down within the past week. Rochester locals are stunned and quite frankly, grossed out. The restaurants were both shut down due to a rodent infestation.  Sources have confirmed that the local rodent gang leader of the gang known as the “Rochester Ratz Association” is poised to give an empowering speech thanking his brethren rodents about the success of shutting down the two restaurants. We spoke with the leader to get a sense of what his speech is going to entail.

” You know I was starting to lose hope, we’ve been having daily operations going at Chen garden and The Honk Kong house for the past seven years straight. I mean you would have thought they would have been shut down by now. I remember poor Charlie was in a high stakes operation back in 2012 at Chen, the inspector was in the kitchen and we sent Charlie to run along the countertop, right when he was about to be noticed one of the cooks threw him into a stir-fry. May his death not be in vain anymore.”

We asked the gang what are there next targets and they said they are going for “Yummy Garden” and pretty much every Papa Johns ever in the Irondequoit area.

 

 

I Go to Protests Because I Demand CHANGE, and Pepsi.

Rochester, NY- Everyone knows that I, as a good white feminist, go to protests to demand social change. I am sickened by the state of the world, as you can tell by my witty signs. I wrote that sign myself and I did not plagiarize Amanda. In fact, I got far more instagram likes than Amanda. Did you see my instagram likes?

Anyway, I digress. I knew that it was important for me to make my white woman voice heard throughout the land, but little did I realize what I would be getting in return. A stronger sense of self? Maybe. A deep satisfaction knowing that I had been the change I wished to see in the world? Perhaps. But my true prize? The sweet saccharine taste of an ice cold Pepsi. When I saw my guru, Kendall Jenner, bringing people of all races and creeds together through the power of Pepsi (the sad, fugly sister of Coke) I knew that I could have it all. Police Brutality? Not anymore. Not while I have this fresh case of sugary cola delight to stop the oppression. You’re welcome, people of color! I saved the day. Thanks, Pepsi. Thanks, Kendall. Ghandi would be proud. And I know, because I know one Ghandi quote.

Love, Madelein

Pokémon GO Player Finally Catches “Feelings” At Sea Breeze Pier

Rochester, NY-The Sea Breeze pier has been a hotbed of Pokémon GO activity since the game was released in July 2016.  Adults from all around Rochester camp out near the draw bridge to use their phone to catch a pocket monsters and distract them from their pending deaths.

 

Scott Tilthert of Irondequoit is one of Rochester’s top Pokémon GO players fighting for Team Valor. “I currently am the leader at more than 10 gyms in the Greater Rochester area” said Scott after nobody asked him any questions. “But the toughest challenge I have faced was here at the Sea Breeze pier battling for the heart of Misty.”

 

Misty is the nickname given to redheaded Websterian Clair Deloon, another frequenter of the pier. “I started playing ironically but then got hooked. Also, I know everywhere else I am maybe a 6 but around these Pokemon GO people I feel like a 10” said Clair. “I don’t think a lot of these guys have seen a boob.”

Scott admitted to falling in love with Clair at first sight, and Clair admitted to noticing Scott starring at her with his mouth open. “Honestly the only reason I started talking to him was because my phone battery was running low and he had like 18 portable chargers” said Clair.

“Just like any strong Pokémon it took several raspberries and patients to finally catch her” Scott told The inner loop. “After weeks of asking her if she wanted anything from Bill Grey’s, she finally gave in and asked for a cup of water. Finally, our first date!”
When we told this to Ms. Deloon she said: “Oh god. Did he tell you we’re going on a date? I was just trying to be polite. Great. I am going to have to quit this game now. This is exactly what happened at the Magic The Gathering Tournaments at Village Gate!”

The Five News Stories You Missed While The Mainstream Media Obsessed Over Mike Pence Eating With His Wife

Birds can’t still can’t participate in the olympics! 

What the f***?! How do you expect people to co exist when the graceful swan is still not allowed to compete in the 40 meter dash?! I for one will not eat until this injustice is corrected, who’s with me?!

Dennys stills exists 

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, dennys is the portal to the underworld. It must be destroyed! how many more countless souls will be bewitched into succeeding their souls to the dark under lord because of that accursed-ed “grand slamwhich” before we do something?!

Inter dimensional robots have taken over talk radio

We’ve all heard the rumors, We all know what’s going on here. Hell, all you have to do is walk into a crowded gazebo, Ferris wheel line, or where ever it is that the youths of your town congregate and it’s all you’ll hear… the talk of how all of the good talk radio shows are gone and have been replaced with the lamest inter dimensional robots that have ever breathed electrons into a microphone. I mean talk about snoresville I for one won’t remain silent, Yet the mainstream media hasn’t said a thing.

Everybody in North Dakota has three eyebrows

How long has this been going on!? Was anybody going to tell us this shit?! No of course not, because the lame stream media is bought and paid for by the big eyebrow lobby. Never willing to admit that maybe eyebrow experiments have gone too far. Well now look at what’s happened! A state full of mothers, fathers, and children cast aside and forgotten about. These freaks will never find love and our government and news couldn’t care less!

Iceland threw their corrupt politicians and bankers into prison. 

Seriously look this up. It didn’t happen recently but it did happen. They don’t want you to know about it because they are scared of you, of us. But we can take these pieces of shit down together, we are strong enough. It is only a matter of time before their empire collapses like they always do and will.

I wanted to mark them one through five but my phone was being weird. Also if a more recent news story comes out I’m fine with replacing the pence thing with that.

Kisses, Justin 

5 Signs You’re listening To 98.9 The Buzz Morning Show

Rochester,NY- It’s the crack of dawn, you’re getting into your morning routine. You grab some breakfast,  you wait in the Dunkin donuts drive thru. It’s a good morning, yet something happens. You turn on your radio just hoping to maybe dial in to a throwback 80’s tune or maybe some of that new age rock stuff your kids tell you about. You hear voices, you start to cringe, your hands start to shake. What am I listening to and will it ever stop? Chances are you’re listening to the Buzz Morning Show. Just to be sure you’re not going crazy, here at the Inner Loop, we have crafted a list of five signs you are listening to the Buzz Morning show so you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

 

1) Your Ears Start To Bleed- As you’re listening to Chris Konya try to describe what he ate this past weekend, you can’t help but notice the slow drips of blood streaming out of your ears, you feel trapped. You dont want to listen, but yet you can’t dare change the station.

2) Scott Spezzano Mentions He’s Old Every Twenty Minutes- If Scott’s not promoting some event where you pet puppies or shave your head, he is definitely going to be talking about how old he’s getting, or his kids, or how he’s getting old and old. Why are we still listening?

3) Chris Konya Will Talk About “This Is Us”- Usually about five minutes into the program Chris will start asking you if you cried at the last episode of This Is Us, which you have no idea what the f*** that show is and why you should care?

4) Chris Konya Will Start Taking Calls To Talk About “This is Us”- Did we mention Chris loves “This Is Us”. Now he’ll start taking callers opinions about the episode the night before or how “relatable” the show is. Yet again, we know this is supposed to be a local radio show, but it seems Chris Konya has a massive erection for “This Is Us”.

5) Chris Konya Still Won’t Shut The F*** Up About “This Is Us”- I know, I know. When will they start playing mediocre music and just shut up about this show already. At this point we recommend you just let go of your steering wheel and let the lord above take you off the road as you listen to Chris Konya breakdown each episode of “This Is Us’ in painstaking detail that makes you wonder if God does exist and when will he strike down the Buzz Morning Show.

 

Greece Man Taking Full Advantage of Facebook Invites To: “Stay At My Place If You Don’t Have Power”

Significant portions of the town of Greece were hit hard by Great Wind Storm of 2017 leaving people without power and heat, roads blocked by trees and power lines, and forcing a State of Emergency.

Several people took to social media to offer their homes as safe-havens to family and friends that were living in harsh conditions. Johnny Freedbley was one of those people posting on his facebook page: “If you need a place to stay come on over to my house. I have heat, WiFi, food, and plenty of blankets!”

“Well I was just trying to be nice” Mr. Freedbley told The Inner Loop. “Honestly I was hoping a hot chick would take me up on this but instead it was just Todd.”

The Todd he is talking about is his High School acquaintance Todd Gerkin. “We never really hung out in high school, or college, or any time really, but my power went out and I needed a place to hang. I saw his message on Facebook and I was like sick, this dude has a decent spread, let me get in there.”

Todd has made himself at home according to Johnny. “He doesn’t have a job, he just is in my house all day now. He has ate most of my food, he drank all my beer the first night he crashed. I don’t know what to do!”

The Inner Loop did some investigating on the RG&E website after learning Todd’s address. There is no record of him losing power.

 

RGH Maternity Ward Hiring Basically Anyone Prepping For Baby Boom 9 Months From Now

 

First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.

 

“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”

 

One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”

 

“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”

Rochester Continues Tradition of Buying-Out Super Parishable Food Before Storm

“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”

 

His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.

 

When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”

 

The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”

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