5 Reasons a Casino Would Be Awesome!

Hey! Hey buddy, hey-no, come here! I got something I wanna tell you, c’mere. You know how there is that spot downtown? that huge spot that could be used for…for-well literally for anything? Yeah? So you heard the plan about the casino they want to put up there, huh?

No, I’m not gonna put the switchblade away until you promise to listen. Muffle-scream all you want, I’ll wait. Are we gonna be calm? Really? Okay, lemme tell you why having a casino in the middle of our city would be, straight up, the tits.

1) As a compulsive gambler and loan shark, this opens up some huge possibilities. Casino’s attract a lot of desperate folks just trying to hit the big payoff, whether it be at the casinos themselves, or by holding local business’ in the area at gunpoint. Do you know how many legs can be broken in a night over $5,000 borrowed gamble dollars? 12, and thats when I’ve had a few (which is constantly).

2) Alcoholism– It’s one thing to be depressed and drunk alone in your trailer park, its another thing to be depressed and drunk in public surrounded by 500 enablers in a neon version of hell. Nothing says “I need a few drinks” like losing money consistently and being surrounded by people with the same thought.

3) Magicians– Casinos bring in huge names in entertainment. Well, they do if they are well known and popular casinos. Here? You’ll probably just get magicians and local battle of the bands finalists. The first one is amazing if you are under twelve, and the second one is you if your in a band and twelve.

4) Who needs other restaurants?– You know what one of the best things about a place that eats money, gets you drunk, and serves shit food to people? All of the other places that do the same thing surrounding it and in the immediate mile wide area slowly go out of business and die! Heck, if the casino gets large enough, it basically becomes one big strip mall! Except instead of Lego stores and fast food, its gambling and a buffet that literally everyone has touched.

5) Ill still be waiting for you in the parking lot!-Casinos are a great place to just hang out in the parking lot, talk with your friends, meet new people, and mug anyone you think came out of there with a profit. You are the final crucible for them to get home safe and sound. After winning, that person has to first make it outside without being robbed or tricked out of their new fortune, a very hard thing to do I might add, and now they have to make it past you. If they best you and get away with their winnings, then they have truly “hit the jack-pot!”. But as the parking lot lurker, it is your solemn duty to make it as hard and life-threatening as possible for anybody to get to their cars safely.

See? See how great it’d be? It’ll bring in more people, Ill get drunk for cheap, my paint thinner addiction probably wont go away, but I can at least have some fun after I huff paint thinner! By the way, you don’t happen to have like-like a Home Depot card or a hardware store membership, do you? Well gimme your card. Well if you’d stop bleeding then the whole thing would go a lot easier, wouldn’t it?

Me? Take Antoinette to the Cotillion?

How could I even exist in such a predicament? I am but a lowly farmhand, cursed to squeeze beets into a fermented paste for the peasants. To think that I, lowly Gregory, could have a chance at escorting the gentle hand of the gentle lady, Antoinette, through the gates of the Duke’s vineyard! Preposterous.

It is true that her betrothed Sir Archemond Renoidoux, that treacherous ne’er-do-well, is away galavanting around Monte Carlo leaving her grace, that most gentle lady, alone in fever of worry. How could one so noble, so honor bound leave the hand and bed of one so careful, and loving?

No, this will not stand! Though I am low in stature, honor, and nobility, I have been called upon by the good lady to provide a service, nay, to have the privilege to escort her grace into the Duke’s annual cotillion!

Though it has cost me a great deal, I have procured dress and attire so that m’lady shant be disgraced by my ghastly and impoverished visage. I have trimmed my face crop to be that more fitting of high society, Oh how i hope the lady will be pleased!

The Cotillion is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined! Vineyards for miles, casks as big as livestock, and the sweet wine! like I’ve never had before. Her grace smile brings me a warmth I have never known before. My own wife having perished from famine, along with my kids, crop, pets, livestock, and close friends, has left a void that has only been filled by my strange sexual fetishes and the company of wizards. But now? Her smile makes me feel like a nobleman!

Whats this? The local sherif has recognized me! oh how good, a man of law and duty that can attest to my good character-whats this? A brace of pistols? He…He wants to duel me! Oh my, my kind is object to violence, but if it is for the honor of my lady then I must rise to the challenge!

What’s this? I am not to be facing the Sheriff, but this masked stranger! Oh heavens, what a mess Ive gotten myself into. They are talking to each other in hushed tones, but M’lady seems confident in me, and gives me her blessing. It is with her strength that I will-

I HAVE BEEN SHOT! Oh how my life blood leaves me now. M’lady has run to the embrace of the masked man, her new champion. Oh! How could I have failed so spectacularly! What’s this? She is removing the victors mask!

Treachery! It’s the rascal himself, Archemond Renoidoux! How his perfection in masculinity makes my defeat all the more crushing! All of them scoff at me, it was a ruse! I have been labelled and anarchist, of trying to murder the good lady and to make explode the noble-peoples cotillion!

Of all of my life’s defeats, seeing the not-so-gentle lady embrace her lover (and several other people for that matter, an orgy commenced immediately upon my defeat and Sir Renoidoux’s unmasking) has truly been the greatest low of such a soggy, unremarkable life. Should I survive I shall surely bury myself with my fermented beet paste, and to live the rest of my days in piss drunk darkness.

To die, to sleep, to drink fermented beets. Aye, there is the rub.

 

This is an excerpt from my great great grandfather’s journal. He was an alcoholic clergyman who was arrested for tax evasion and was executed for trying to drown a lake. He was on my dads side of the family.

Rochester Officals Unable To Find Indian Burial Ground to Build Casino On

Rochester, NY –  Love it or hate it, a casino is coming to Rochester. The casino has caused quite the divide among many Rochesterians, but there is a major issue that has been plaguing the officials of Rochester for some time. Any corrupt politician knows that a casino must be built on an Indian burial ground for it to truly grasp the heart of the city and curse anyone who enters it. We spoke with mayor Lovely Warren to get her take on this situation.

” I know the people of Rochester are scared of things they don’t understand. They should put their fears to rest. Here at city hall, all the officials of Rochester are very familiar with evil spirits and building things on top of cursed ground. I mean Collegetown was built right on top of the poor community and look how things are going there!”

While many people are opposed to the idea of the casino, they’re are many others who actually think that the casino could be the best thing to ever happen to Rochester. We spoke with local psychic Angela (last name unknown) to see what her thoughts are.

” I think the casino will bode well for the city of Rochester,  but at a very high price! It will probably cost them millions of dollars for the construction and that’s not including labor cost or what if bad weather hits, they have to think about this stuff before they begin such a huge task.”

We asked her what she thought about possibly building it on top of an Indian burial ground.

” Just build it anywhere, I mean our whole country was built on Indian ground by slaves and people don’t ever talk about that or care. The only reason people care about Indian burial grounds is because they made a movie about a white girl who got abducted through a tv set by a ghost. F***ing ridiculous.”

*Editors Note*

For people who are sensitive, please replace the word Indian with Native American and the word f*** with hugs and kisses for all genders.”

 

5 Signs The Jazz Festival Is Actually A Mass Suicide Event

Rochester, NY- Every year the jazz festival comes upon Rochester like a hurricane on Florida…during hurricane season or whatever. The jazz festival walks into our lives like a bitchy ex-girlfriend who says “Were over”, but then gets drunk and keeps texting you every night and f***ing with your emotions like some giant teddy bear who just says “Yeah, sure come over, my heart ISN’T RIPPED INTO NOTHING!” Moving on, I think the jazz festival is a giant cover up, are people really there to enjoy the sweet sounds of jazz? Or are they there to commit a giant mass suicide to be joined with the lord of light!

1) They want to hear jazz music–  Okay, this is a giant sign that this is a mass suicide. I mean who in their right mind actually takes time out of their day to listen to jazz music? Jazz music was specifically created for suicide or something like that. Isnt jazz music just people complaining about their lives while blowing into some sort of pipe instrument?

2) Old people are everywhere– Nothing is more a dead giveaway to a giant mass suicide then old people gathering together. I mean every morning at McDonald’s I see old people everywhere and you know what I see the next day on the news? You guessed it, an old people mass suicide! Old people pretty much don’t have anything else to live for besides the sweet sounds of death.

3) The ghost of Louis Armstrong is there– I’m not really a spiritual guy, but I have to admit it’s pretty cool to see the ghost of Louis Armstrong doing something, I mean he’s totally wandering around screaming non-sense about the afterlife and how he needs to swallow the souls of the unworthy or whatever bullshit.

4) My ex-girlfriend loves jazz– If this reason isn’t more obvious that people who listen to jazz music are self-destructive than I don’t know what is. I mean we could have had a great relationship, we could have been something great! But no! That bitch had to ruin everything! I WISH SHE WOULD OF LISTENED AND JUST TRIED TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP!

5) The hot dog vendor ran out of food– Boom. That’s the final nail in the coffin if you ask me, I mean I’ve personally never thought about suicide, but when I’m a little bit tipsy off of some sangria a man in a top hat offered me and then I can’t even get a good hotdog anywhere. Yeah, I’ll take a knife to my throat along fifty other complete strangers.

5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: F***ing Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO F*** UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and f***ing shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

Joe Bean Employee Worries He’s Not Pretentious Enough

Rochester, NY – Joe Bean Bar and Roastery is known for its high-end coffee and alcohol and its distinguished atmosphere. Joe Bean prides itself on not just serving its customers great beverages, but doing so as condescendingly as possible. Many patrons will say a Joe Bean experience is not complete if you don’t walk away feeling inferior and pedestrian.

The tattooed, often mustachioed employees of Joe Bean are the face of the company, and thus are chiefly responsible for presenting said air of ostentation. We met up with one employee, Ezra Bourdain, to learn about the pressures of keeping up such a contrived facade.

“It’s really quite tough to act this superior all the time,” Bourdain laments, “every customer that comes in is another poor soul I need to enlighten. It’s a heavy burden, man.”  

We asked Bourdain his process for interacting with a first-time customer.  “I usually like to approach them in an non-threatening way, whether it’s adjusting one of my three scarves, or clasping my hands together and shaking them slightly, as if I were a youth pastor,” Bourdain explains as he sits across from this reporter somehow crossing both legs.

“Then, I’ll ask if this is their first time at the shop, being sure to not refer to it by it’s full name. Priority number one is always instilling a false sense of importance about what they are about to experience. The customer needs to understand that they will not just be tasting coffee, but that they will be tasting locally roasted, overpriced coffee. It really helps justify the fifteen minutes it takes us to prepare their beverage.”

As we discuss Bourdain’s role as a barista, we sample a flight of Latin American small-batch coffees. Bourdain reminding this reporter every couple of minutes to ‘sip lightly, as if it is a first kiss’ and to ‘let the aroma envelop you, let it carry you to bliss.’  

Bourdain went on to explain several insecurities he harbors working at Joe Bean. “Yeah friend, I’ve been kept up at night a few times. It weighs on you, being an ambassador to the higher pleasures. I worry sometimes I’m not arrogant or pretentious enough. For example, the other day a customer asked if they could get cream in their coffee and I didn’t even scoff or belittle them. I just politely told them that adding cream to coffee is like watching a Goddard film with subtitles. It’s experiences like those that cause my worry,” Bourdain sipped his ristretto shot in an oddly ashamed manner.

“It’s bleeding outside of work too. The other day, I didn’t even correct an acquaintance when they mispronounced my favorite Russian play. I just let it slide. I let it slide man,” At this, Bourdain became visibly shaken.

When asked if he had any closing thoughts, Bourdain said, “Oh for sure, my band ‘Dew Fell Upon Her Back’ is playing the Bug Jar at the end of July. We are a four piece new wave jazz punk ensemble. Also, you can order a vinyl of our EP on our Etsy account.”

Time Warner To Change Hold Time From Four hours To Six!

Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.

“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”

It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers,  we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.

“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”

Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.

” Are you f***ing serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four f***ing hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the f*** is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”

*Editors Note*

Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.

 

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