Burning Gallery Room Real Fire, Not First Friday Showcase

Village Gate, Rochester – First Friday is a wonderful tradition, a chance to showcase local artists’ work and allow people to pretend they understand art while drinking white wine out of tiny paper cups. What is normally a festive, fun evening turned treacherous this past Friday.

AXOM Gallery sustained severe property damage after a fire erupted in one of the showcase rooms. Luckily no one was injured and the fire was able to be contained, which is surprising since the flames were left undoused for several hours.

City Fire Chief, John Schreiber, says he doesn’t understand how it was able to burn for that long. “I just can’t wrap my mind around why nobody called us sooner. I mean, a room was completely on fire.”

“To be honest, my first instinct was to find the artist that created such a powerful, moving statement, “ Richard Darby, self acclaimed local art connoisseur, said about the on-fire room. Darby, and many other First Friday attendees, initially thought the very real fire to be an artistic showcase, on display for the monthly gallery night. “It rather didn’t occur to me that it could be an actual fire,” Darby said, wiping his monocle on his ripped ‘The Smiths’ shirt.

When asked if he thought it concerning that the building’s alarm system had been triggered, Darby said, “I do not underestimate any artists’ scope or ability.”

Eventually, a patron of Good Luck, who had just ordered their signature $27 Mystic Teardrop, a drink consisted of half an ounce of gin, water and lemon zest, called the fire department after seeing smoke pouring out of the room’s third story window.

Fire investigators believe the fire was caused when Dahl Jacobsen, a resident artist, knocked a candle over while painting a self-portrait blindfolded, part of a series he calls “Blind Reflections of My Inner Eye.” Jacobsen could not be contacted.

5 Great Lies to Start Off the School Year

Its that time again! September has come and that brings an official end to the festive Summer Vacation. You’ve seen some sights, learned something about yourself, and probably had an adequate time doing it. Theres just one problem:

You are hands down one of the most boring people on the face of the earth. There is no way you’re gonna make new friends, impress socialites, or even score with that hot hot football-cheerleader-chessteam-childhood-crush-freshman-year-we’re-both-virgins-piece of objectified f***-meat that you have been hounding after since you discovered you didn’t have to tell people what your fetish is (heads up, it’s lights off missionary before and after crying).

So here are some sweet sweet lies to tell folks so they think you are interesting, or even just a little bit attractive:

1: ONE OR MORE OF YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD– No better way to get a sympathy hand job then telling people your have a dead parent! Make sure that it was recent enough of a death so that it seems like its okay that you aren’t quite over it, but distant enough so that only specific social situations will necessitate bringing it up. Bonus if you act like you can work through the tears, this will make sure people tell other people, essentially lying for you.

2: PRETEND TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT– Don’t have any musical talent? Just say you do! The beauty of this lie is that people probably wont question it, or want to hear you play, giving you ample time to actually practice at it and become good! It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

3: DEAD EX– Alright, this is a little harder to pull off and requires a subtle touch. Immediately, you’re probably thinking “this is a great way to lure some unsuspecting idiot to go make coitus with me in a dorm room twin bed”and you are 100% right. But, you need to have a very poetic way of referring to your fake-deceased ex in only situations of high sexual tension, and of a natural poetic nature. Not only does this bump the sexual tension up to Roman Bath-house levels of gonna-gonna, but you seem like you have a greater depth and a burdened soul. This lets you seem like you give a shit about how people feel, instead of the manipulative sack of shit who needs to lie to get laid.

4: USE AN ALIAS– This one is only for if you are going away to college for the first time. You can’t waltz back to college and start lying about who you are, thats silly. Nobody will believe you, especially not the people who heard your lies the first year and know you’re full of shit. But if it’s your first time in a new place, rest assured that you can call yourself whoever you want, and pretend to be whoever you want! Just remember thats who you are now. The facade can never fade lest you wish your true self be known, besides, do you even know who you are anymore?

5: PREVIOUS FAILED MARRIAGE– This is another one that has a bit of an age minimum on it. If you play the previous marriage card, you’re gonna seem a lot older than you are. Most people assume anyone who got married is now a haggard husk, because if it didn’t work coming out of high school, then this person must have needed a couple years before coming back to society (or so the assumptions go). On the plus side, this has a similar effect to Dead-Ex but with the added value of a playful cynicism and a reluctance for people to correct you on being a sexist piece of shit! Especially if your fake ex-wife fake-cheated on you with your actual-real-life-friend named Joey (you were on the spot and couldn’t make up a name, which is awkward because Joey wants to visit before thanksgiving break).

There are plenty of ways to seem like an interesting person: cultivating a rich personality based on the shared interests of your peers, life experiences, knowledge and curiosity, but who the f*** has time for all of that? You’ve spent 18 years learning to jerk off and nothing else, you’re gonna cut corners wherever possible. Thats what you did to get into college in the first place, and thank god that lie panned out for you, because it was

BONUS! SPENDING TIME IN A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER– Nothing says “life experience” or “Salt of the Earth” like someone going to college after being in Juvy for whatever crime you felt like making up! Watch as people flock to see the reformed troublemaker, the bad boy who wants a better life! Sure it plays into the fetishization of both the criminals trapped in the problematic justice system and the blue collar “provide by any means” mentality that upper class rebellious kids go f**ing ape shit over, but it’ll make you a friend or two! just hope that you don’t meet anyone who has actually been through the system, because then you’ll actually know what terrible effects it has on a human being. Who needs that kind of emotional stress? Not you, thats who.

So go out there you sociopathic mess of a human! Go out and lie your way into a palace supported by pillars of salt! Just be ready for when everything comes crashing down.

10 Things You Should be Aware of When Reading “The Inner Loop”

Everyone enjoys satire, it’s a natural and healthy mechanism to critique, question, and ingest the chaotic world around us all. With so many options to choose from when browsing online it’s hard to land on just one satire site when all of them have something of worth to offer.

Which leads me to an important question: How is it that you ended up on The Inner Loop? It isn’t popular, well written, or even very good at being satire. Its a local Rochester blog run by a bunch of amateur comedians, some of whom don’t even live in Rochester. Half of what we say isn’t even based off of real world events.  How is it, through all of life’s twists and turns, that you ended up here?

Regardless, you’re here. here’s a few things you should really know before trying to dive in any further.

1: Our chief editor is kind of the only funny one– Okay, so off the bat, calling him our chief editor is sort of a misnomer because, well, he doesn’t really edit anything. If you go through any of our articles you can find a linguistic holocaust of grammar failures and run on sentences, and enough pointless metaphors to make Ayn Rand blush. That being said, Michael Colon is really the only funny person to write for this site.

2: Our chief editor isn’t all that funny– Not hard to compare apples to oranges when all the oranges are rotten and radioactive. Not that the apple (Michael Colon) is any better, it is infested with some worms, but certainly better than the oranges (The rest of us mouth breathers).

3: We aren’t very good people– I’d point to our group message chat for an example, but the amount of redacted material there would be to make us look only a little better would read more like a CIA cover up of crack distribution in black neighborhoods than a functioning message board.

4: Seriously, some of our writers don’t even live in Rochester– Only one or two of them are actually in Rochester year round. The others are either transplants going to college there or are across the country sending articles in remotely. For a satire site aimed at being a local funny bone, we aren’t even all that local.

5: We think we are really witty– You ever meet a blogger who is just really full of spit and vinegar over how important their words are? That’s us. Thats all of us. You’d sooner see the office of The Inner Loop sieg heil than actually give a humble statement about our city, or ourselves.

6: Mike used to run a Satanic cult– Like straight up, goat sacrifices, blood orgies, vampire cosplay: you name it and our “chief editor” has probably stuck his dick in it for the name of Satan.

7: Ben (Rugmeat) currently runs a Satanic cult– We prefer the term “Hedonistic Observers of the Rites of Lucifer”, but yeah, it’s a Satanic sex cult. Lets not beat around the bush, lets just beat each other off.

8: One of our writers was pronounced dead 2 weeks ago and nobody has told his family yet– So yeah. Mr. and Mrs. McFaddin, uh, we are terribly sorry but your darling boy has died, and his body may have been used for some freaky deaky Satanic sex ritual. One of these is a certainty, and the other has too much DNA to put blame on just one perpetrator, so save yourself the money and don’t take legal action.

9: We are startlingly close to internal collapse on any given week– Honestly, we are only held together by our mutual hatred and drive to one up each other and piss each other off. If Vize didn’t start a flame war in the chat earlier today about whatever new stupid birth control he does recreationally, then this article wouldn’t have even happened.

10: You f***ing rubes– If there is any people to blame here, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s all of you. All of your positivity and support has gone towards the creativity and motivation behind some weird ass shit, and why? Because you think it’s funny?! ugh. Support of enjoyment of the creative endeavors of your equals is truly a new low, not only for the people of Rochester, but for the world as a whole.

All of you do yourselves a favor. Shut off the computer. Go outside. Walk around your neighborhood, say hello to a stranger, ask someone a question about what they do for a living.

Much to the dismay of the Catholic church and several regional government officials, The Inner Loop isn’t going anywhere. It’ll always be in the same dirty mud puddle its been in, spewing vitriol about Pokemon Go or whatever other pop-culture meme slaps the wet meat of the internet fad machine next. Go enjoy yourselves. Cyber bully a child on a play ground. Just be aware the next time you ever read something that labels itself as “Satire“, it might just be a bunch of bullshit written by a sex crazed Satanist.

Rochester Officials To Introduce A Year Round Cringe Festival

Rochester, NY-  As we all know, the infamous “Fringe Festival” is approaching. It is a time where the art scene slowly takes over the city of Rochester and we consider things like the silent disco to be art. When did putting on headphones and walking around like an idiot become art? I mean seriously, when It did it become cool for people to listen to Michael Jackson on one channel and Elton John on the next one! In honor of Fringe Festival, Rochester officials have announced that they will be introducing a year round Cringe Festival! Here at the Inner Loop we have been fortunate enough to announce a few of the events at the cringe festival!

 

  1. College Town “Ghost” Tour- The College town ghost tour will take 10-15 lucky people on a “spooky” tour of college town and check out all the abandoned buildings of once supposedly thriving  business’s!! Scary stuff! The tour will end with a five-minute moment of silence for every business that thought they would last.
  2. The Blindfolded Park ave-Monroe Ave 5k– Experience a 5k like you’ve never experienced before! During this 5k we will run through the beautiful streets of Park Avenue and right when were on the threshold of approaching Monroe Avenue we will throw on our city official blindfolds so we don’t have to experience the horror of poverty and homelessness!  A fun time for the whole family!
  3. The Inner Loop Charades– Now that the Inner loop has been filled with dirt, we can only imagine what the city is going to put in its place! Apartment Complexes? Pawn shops? Pawn shops in apartment complexes! Who knows! Come join this fun activity as we play a game of charades and act out what we think will fill the inner loop! We know its going to be great!
  4. The Cracked Pavement Money Grab– Take your chance in as we throw two pounds of locally sourced honey on you and throw you in a tube of dollar bills! Every single dollar that sticks to your body will be used to fund construction work for all the badly damaged roads! We aim to raise at least fifty dollars!

These are just some of the fun activities you can hope to see at this upcoming years Cringe Festival! We are so excited to see all of you out there this year! Also, don’t forget if you live in Rochester, the Cringe Festival is always around! It will never go away!

Breaking Report: Man Goes Entire Day Without Cursing At Anyone

ROCHESTER, NY – David Bates, age 24, has reported that he has gone at least a full 24 hour day without accosting any of his co-workers or loved ones. It is noted that he has also not made an overreaching political or aggressively sarcastic Facebook post about Donald Trump supporters in at least half an hour.

“It has really felt like any other day. I woke up, walked my dog, and even saw a few of my neighbors on my way to the car,” David recounts. “Normally I’m expressively negative, but I haven’t even called anyone a dillweed since I saw that guy in the park wearing socks with sandals.”

It is more often that we see young adults cursing their very existence by roughly 9am. Studies have also shown that the more peer to peer social interactions we participate in will drastically increase the amount of disdain they have for themselves or others.

“I’ve even tried being genuinely friendlier. It hasn’t worked by any means, my smiles and my laughs are still fake. Yet, I’ve been through several conversations with Brenda in the break room and I haven’t pictured throwing her out the window of a Boeing 787 at all.”

David’s record breaking day of zero imprecation was brought to a sad end while waiting in line at a local grocery store and boutique. After going the entire day without screaming bloody murder at anyone or passive aggressively staring at a passer-by because of their frontier hipster hat choice, David overheard a radio commercial where the announcer was using the phrase “Poké-Mans” un-ironically and consequentially lost his shit.

Webster Man Determined To Find Something Fun To Do Tonight

Webster,NY- Jeremy Lyles has been a resident of Webster for over twenty years. Webster is a nice town to live in, raise your kids, drive by a McDonald’s twice on your way home. Yet, damn if it isn’t a town to find some fun in. Webster is a town where Stephen King would write a story about a man going crazy and killing cats or some shit. Jeremy was sick of going to Walmart with his kids and having them scuba dive through the five dollar bin to find die hard two, no matter how much fun that game was. Jeremy shared his thoughts with us on how hard fun is to find in Webster.

“You know, it’s the same old routine day in and day out, I drive through Webster, fight off my suicidal thoughts, get home to the kids, fight off the suicidal thoughts some more and then go to bed. Not anymore, I refuse to live that life anymore. Tonight, even if it cost me my life, I swear I am finding something enjoyable to do in Webster. I refuse to spend another dollar at the AMC movie theater! I am paying fifteen dollars to just fall asleep on my couch! Webster has to have something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about suicide! I swear I’m going to find it! Maybe the kids and I could walk down the street since sidewalks are non-existent! Walking in traffic is fun, right guys?!?”

The Inner loop staff did some detective work of their own and tried to find something fun to do in the town of Webster. Here is a list of things we found somewhat enjoyable.

  1. Peoples pain
  2. Dead trees
  3. More pain
  4. Abbots 
  5. Dead people in Walmart
  6. Abbots to cover up the pain
  7. Rust

Sadly, The Inner Loop lost one of our own to suicide during this detective work. Sometimes trying to find fun has a very steep price.

5 Signs Prince Is Really Still Dead

Rochester, NY- Musicians come and go. In a time where any person can have an “album release party”, it’s very difficult to truly know who is a real artist and who is just some asshole who wont stop sending you Facebook event invites. We lost a real artist, a man who can never be replaced and for this I mourn deeply. Here are 5 signs that The artist formerly know as Prince is no longer with is.

 

1) Every skyscraper is still f***ing purple- Death is hard enough to deal with on your own. So every time I want to look at that gorgeous skyline and see those f***ing purple neon lights on the side of every building, REMINDING ME OF THE FACT I’LL NEVER SEE PRINCE PERFORM LIVE EVER AGAIN!

2) Little red corvette has been my ringtone for six months- IT IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER MADE AND TO WAKE UP TO IT LITERALLY MAKES MY SOUL CRY WITH PAIN.

3) I googled is prince dead still and it said yes- So apparently google is god now and can just tell me that prince is dead and is never coming back, no matter how many small goats I sacrifice and no MATTER HOW HARD I PRAY!

4) I bought a little red corvette and burned it- I may have read in this “witchcraft” book that if you destroy items in a fire that were somehow connected to the deceased, it could possibly call his soul back into this realm and we could capture it, forcing dead prince to make a new album!

5) He stopped returning my phone calls- Prince and I were on a first name basis and he totally took my calls and it wasn’t my mom I was calling asking me if I was off my meds. Prince and I were best friends and I know that the only reason he would never return my calls is because he was dead. Obviously.

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