Time Warner To Change Hold Time From Four hours To Six!

Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.

“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”

It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers,  we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.

“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”

Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.

” Are you f***ing serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four f***ing hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the f*** is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”

*Editors Note*

Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.


Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

“I Love Time Warner,” Says Masochist

Rochester, NY – Jim Baker, a resident of Park Ave loves Time Warner Cable. The company provides Internet for almost everyone in Upstate and Central New York. Many of it’s customers have  vocalized various complaints about the company, but Baker is not one of them. We met up with Baker to see why he praises the company.

“I really love Time Warner. It isn’t often a company I patronize aligns so perfectly with my interests,” Baker said.

Those interests Baker is referring to, as I learned in a very uncomfortable half hour, are the sexual practices of Bondage, Submission and Masochism. Baker explained that he derives sexual pleasure from having emotional and physical pain inflicted upon him. He went into extensive detail of this sexual kink of his. Much of his vivid descriptions can’t be repeated in this article.

Eventually, I was able to get the very excited Baker back onto the subject of Time Warner, “Yeah, it is just awesome to be able to interact with a company that is so willingly torturous. I love calling for customer service and being on hold for hours at end. [At this point, Baker went on a tangent about edging that I have chosen to omit].”

Baker went on to explain how he loves how Time Warner treats him like he is lower than dirt. He also said he loves the emotional turmoil he is put in when he has to cancel plans for days on end, not wanting to miss the technician that gave him a 72-hour service window.

“Time Warner is absolutely the company for me, a guy that literally gets off from discomfort and pain,” said Baker as I desperately tried to end the interview.

As I was getting up to go, Baker insisted he showed me a video of his favorite Dominatrix, Colonel Cockcrusher. Luckily, as the video was buffering, Baker’s Internet cut out.

Michael Keaton Visting Rochester In Just One Continuous Shot

Rochester, NY- News broke quickly of Michael Keaton coming to our neck of the woods to introduce a screening of “Beetlejuice”. Needless to say many Rochesterians are quite excited about this for obvious reasons, it’s not often we receive an actor who most people thought was dead until his most recent success of being in Birdman. A movie where he played a character who had one hit movie and most people thought was dead until he made a comeback in a popular movie. The most impressive thing about Michael Keaton visiting Rochester is that he plans to do it one continuous shot! We spoke with Michael to get a little insight on how all of this is going to go down and what Rochesterians can expect!

” When I first heard I was going to Rochester, I knew that I wanted to make it as short of a trip as humanly possible, So I spoke with my good friend Academy award winner Alejandro González Iñárritu and he is actually going to direct this whole experience, we’ve been finding a lot of dark alleyways to go down to create the sense of continuity, but in reality we are just going to recruit four homeless guys to play drums on trash cans very loudly to create a sense of panic to keep the audience distracted from obvious edits”

At this point during the interview Alejandro González Iñárritu popped out of the shadows, it seemed that he was disguised as a table full of Kraft foods in order to create the perfect shot for the continuous “one take” shot. When we asked Alejandro González Iñárritu  if he understood that this technically wasn’t going to be “one-take” since they were taking breaks, this what he had to say.

“Life is like an ocean, sometimes the waves roll in strong and fierce. Sometimes they stay completely still. Like the ocean, you truly never know what to expect and you will not always be there to see it. Even though we cannot see the things that happen, we know in our heart that they have happened. El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda.”

Alejandro González Iñárritu  jumped into the air and turned into a large animatronic bird, he flew down and scooped up Michael Keaton into the sky into what we can only imagine is the ultimate “one-take” shot.


*Editors Note*

For our non-Spanish readers  El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda
means  Love is a butterfly and I am a naked dove.

Activists Shocked to Find Out That People can suck

Several activists from different social change movements have stepped forth with a shocking new discovery. After asking basic ‘Get to know you’ ice breaker questions to members of their respective groups they found that most, if not all of them, had personal traits or practices considered morally wrong. What follows are testimonials by those who found out that their organizations were full of shitty people.

Sarah Respoch, of Rochester’s grassroots campaign to stop voter suppression, had this to say about several members:

“Well, it just struck me as odd that we had so many sophomore poli-sci kids from around the area come and go. They always seemed so eager to join up and help the movement! They’d help educate people and join us at rallies, but then at the end of the summer they’d go back to school and never come back. I talked to one of them, he was a U of R guy, and all he had to say was ‘yeah, its better than an internship ’cause I get paid, and if I get one of the booth people to sign a sheet it counts as one anyways’. It…It’s like they don’t even care about the message, they just see the organization and the people as objects used as a means to an end.”

Gerard LeBouif, a local leader of a chapter of the Vegan Anti-GMO movement told us:

“Like, I had known [REDACTED] for years, he helped found the chapter here. Me and him were close friends! We even came from the same class at U of R. I had no idea that he was a registered sex offender. I asked him a week ago, point blank, ‘do you have a criminal record?’ and he said ‘yeah’ like it was nothing! He’s been in my house, with my kids , before. It’s like I never really took the time to know the guy.”

Bram Stepford, leader of the Young Republicans Club, and the  Delta Iota Chi Kappa fraternity at the University of Rochester, noticed this about some of his comrades:

“I found out Chet had never even drugged and sexually assaulted any of the sorority girls at our weekly bi-annual mixers. Like, never once! He never called anybody a n***er, or a s**c, or a w*****k, or a c**t, or a dick-weed, or a k**e, or”

He went on for some time listing various racial slurs and offensive slang,

“…he never skipped classes to get blackout drunk, and he didn’t even go here as a safety school! Like, he is paying for his own education and joined the frat thinking it would be a close knit community of brothers that shared a common profession or interest! Like, and but, like, and he just really believed in the republican cause and saw it as a way to better the political landscape of the country. Such a boner killer, you know?”

And finally, from the Rochester Socialists Union, Rebecca Sheppard had this to say:

“Well, its kind of an awkward situation, we’re in the middle of discussion of how to proceed. Okay, the short of it is that we have been involved closely with the Rochester Black Lives Matter movement for some time now. We believe that equality should exist in all forms and that no one group should be in complete power. We were excited to see so many people start joining in to rally and protest with us, but they would disappear after one or two rallies. It turns out they were just trying to be in pictures so that they could bolster their social media profiles and get bragging rights. I think the most disgusting example was one guy who came from U of R, he was at the front of every protest once the photographers came out, he kept claiming he was in NYC during the Occupy Wall Street protests and got beaten by police, but whenever he went near any person of color, he would immediately change into this gross stereotype, desperately trying to fist-bump people and saying “wassup homie?” or “whats good, blood?” it…it was disgusting to say the least.”

It’s sad to say that individuals in any given cause can turn out to be the complete opposite of who we thought they were. Some people try to use groups dedicated to social, political, or economic change to wash over who they are as an individual, rather than let their individuality dictate how others see them, as shitty, awful, terrible, awful people.

5 Signs Your GirlFriend Was Bit By A Radioactive Spider

Rochester, NY-  Relationships are always evolving and changing, for better or for worse. Yet, have you ever wondered if maybe your girlfriend is actually evolving into a half-woman, half-spider? We know the feeling, you see her in the corner of your apartment shooting webs from her wrists while she’s cooking dinner, or sometimes crawling along the ceiling to drop of a load of laundry. You can’t just assume that your girlfriend is becoming another kind of creature that will rule us all someday. So we’re giving you a list.

Here are 5 signs that your girlfriend was bitten by a radioactive spider

1. Your relationship is a web of lies and in a literal web- Lying is bad, some guy in the sky told us that long ago, but she just wont stop lying to you! Was she actually out at dinner with her parents or was she testing out her sweet new web-slinging skills above the old arcade? Also, the entire ‘my refrigerator wont open because its covered in titanium strength web’ thing is getting really old.

2. She wants more flies in her cereal- You started dating her for her little quirks, like having a tattoo of planet earth sunbathing on a beach, but eating flies in your cereal? I know that bug protein is like the new fad in poor places, but this seems a bit excessive.

3. She’s asking to drink more blood than usual-Everyone has their kinks, but when you keep waking up in the middle of the night to your girlfriend biting down on your ankle without even talking to you about it? That’s not a only a big sign she’s turning into mutant spider-woman, but she’s also blatantly not communicating her needs.

4.  You have over a 1,000 babies- I know she wanted kids and you think you’ll make a great dad, but you didn’t sign up for a 1,000 kids! I mean they cant even make a good TV show out of that! Plus, you’ve already stepped on over a dozen eggs in your living room!

5. She stopped a moving car with one leg- Now you know she’s been going to her cross fit classes on the daily, but this is absurd. That car was easily going 50mph and should of sent you and her flying into the never abyss that is sweet death.

These aren’t fool proof signs that your girlfriend is a half spawn demon that is now known as a morph of an arachnid and a gentle white woman. Always keep your guard up, you never know when she’ll decide to finish you off.




Disgusting! This Man Only Wants to Sleep With Women He Finds Attractive

The courageous fight for body positivity, fought almost completely on the feeds of Tumblr and Facebook, has found itself face to face with another threat. That threat is Brody Shomaker. In response to a question posed by Heidi Connors, a brave journalist for Jezebel, Shomaker said he normally only seeks out sexual intimacy with women he sees as attractive. What a pig! As if his male standards should dictate how a woman should look.

Luckily Connors wasn’t afraid to press his fragile male ego. She went on to ask him where he got off. Gross person Shomaker attempted to defend himself pathetically saying, “I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s pretty basic human nature. Sexual attraction isn’t a new concept. Women do it, too.” Wow, what a condescending asshole. Connors rightfully scolded Shomaker for thinking he, a man, was able to speak on behalf of women.

This mentality, that who you are physically attracted to should somehow affect who you choose to become intimate with is both archaic and dangerous. Is that what we are supposed to teach our daughters?

Shomaker went on to further “explain his position,” go ahead Brody, keep digging yourself deeper. The entitled prick told Connors, “I just think this whole conversation is a bit ridiculous. I’m not some sexist pig. I have a degree in Gender Studies. I wrote my thesis on Susan B. Anthony. I interned at NOW for godsakes.”

Good try, Brody. But the internet sees you for who you are. All we can do is hope that men like Shomaker will one day be woke. Until then, women everywhere should continue posting rants on social media about any exchange that can be in any way construed as bigoted or sexist.

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