Rochester, NY- A surprising turn of events has now seen Donald Trump’s political machine having to slow its tour because of a scheduling conflict.
The Rochester Tech Park was already booked for the national meeting of the NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association), a group that advocates for pedophiles and child molesters.
Talks were heated Saturday when Trump’s campaign argued that their needs were greater, and that the campaign had had the reservation for nearly a week. The boy touchers merely grunted at this and started staring at nearby children.
After a busy Saturday of discussion over who would eventually use the Tech Park, they came to an agreement that both could use it at the same time.
Katrina Pierson, Trump’s campaign spokesperson, publicly announced that “Trump supporters and registered child molesters have much in common, and will be able to share the space with relative ease, since there was already so much cross-pollination between groups.”
Donald Trump refused to comment because he was too busy eating farts.
Both rallies are happening today at the Rochester Tech Park and will be followed by a private Q&A press conference for Trump with local news teams, and the NAMBLA “Boy Wranglin'” event, in which NAMBLA members invite their fellow Trump supporters to help them round up all of the little boys in the area.
Rochester, NY- Jeremy Langdon has been dealing with some new struggles that he’s not quite sure how to deal with. Jeremy met his current girlfriend Lindsey Tariz six months ago, he knew right away that she was the best thing to ever happen to him, but deep down he also knew that she was way too f***ing hot for him.
We spoke with Jeremy to see how he’s handling this clearly tough situation. “It’s weird yah know? Like one day I feel good about everything and the next day I feel like I just won a million dollars! I never thought I would be the guy with a hot girlfriend!, I remember sitting around campfires at night with my boys just dreaming of the day I could have a super hot girlfriend that I could reduce to a lust object to show off to all my friends!”
Jeremy’s Facebook pages is littered with constant pictures of him and Lindsey, He knows that any day he could go back to being the single guy with average looks and a decent sense of humor. We spoke with Lindsey to get her perspective on things, “I think Jeremy is crazy, I think he works very hard every day to earn my love and to keep it! Plus I’ve always wanted to have one those boyfriends you see in Judd Apatow movies, kind of goofy looking but his humor and heart always win over the girl!”
Jeremy has noticed some positive changes in his life,” Pretty much everything is better now! I mean whenever I’m having an off day, I look at the lock screen/home screen of my iPhone and see that cute picture of Lindsey and I thats also my facebook profile picture and I just know that I’m part of a rare group of males on planet earth.
I know its going to be an adjustment period getting used to this new-found confidence based in my girlfriend and in no way attached to any sort of inner security. But I know as long as I can convince her to be with me, I can at least be known as the guy who has one good thing going for him.
Rochester, NY- Today, as with many other days in our fair city, we again find absent a clumsy statement on the political landscape in cartoon form. Instead of some gross generalization of our country by a cartoonist of a generation past, again we find a suicide note from yet another political cartoonist in the newspaper.
What started out as a shocking trend has now become a daily reality to most people. Day after day of this year, we’ve seen political cartoonist after political cartoonist paste a tear soaked apology, or a blood soaked tirade, right into The City Newspaper.
“Honestly, nobody gives a shit,” Says City Newspaper chief editor Ethan Bauchman, “Like the first few times we were like, ‘aw man thats pretty sad,’ but after a while we just kind of saw it as a plus.”
Due to this increased suicide rate, readership of newspapers have actually increased ten fold over the last 4 months. Trend analysts are speculating that this meteoric rise of newspaper readership is involved directly to people not having to see “shitty f***ing idiot scribbles about Bernie or Trump in my goddamn paper, I want to f***ing get to Heathcliff without a goddamn sermon.”
“We are trying to OPEN your EYES-” opens the most recent of many new suicide notes sent to the newspaper editorial staff, “Our humor is meant to incite something…to (bring about) a curiosity about the world we live in! we aren’t ‘reaching for low hanging fruit’ or ‘not being funny’…we are bringing politics and humor TOGETHER, but none of you are good enough to see th-”
After reading out loud the note to Inner Loop staff, the newspaper editor giggled, then crumpled up the note and threw it into a pile of others. Chucking to himself, “Honestly, this guy’s cartoons were actually pretty good. But they were also about Supply Side vs. Keynesian economic strategies in relation to poverty rates rising in urban areas since the Clinton administration. Nobody gives a f*** about that.”
Rochester, NY- When Jennifer Landis was 21 years old the spirit of a familiar but evil presence possessed her while she was driving southbound on route 590. She told police that the car filled with the aroma of a distillery and her vision began to blur; as she lost control of the wheel and veered into the left lane, hitting the guard rail and swerving back into traffic. Jennifer told police at the scene that this was her first supernatural experience, and from that day on she would devote her life to investigating the paranormal.
“I felt groggy and dizzy,” Ms. Landis said, referring to the accident 20 years ago. “I was driving home after partying, I mean… uh… studying at a friends house and I became overrun with the urge to cry over an empty pint of ice cream and call all of my ex boyfriends”.
Jennifer Landis built her long standing paranormal career after this terrifying experience. She has investigated hundreds of paranormal claims throughout Western New York with an astounding record of absolutely zero supernatural activity. That is, until late Saturday night when she was again returning home from a friends house and she lost control of her car for the second time.
Police Officer and Skeptic Prick Craig Downs was hesitant to believe her story, however. He honestly believed that Jennifer was under the influence of alcohol and lying to police about having supernatural abilities, like a skeptic prick.
“[Jennifer] was clearly driving while intoxicated”, said the prick. “She stumbled out of her car screaming ‘I’m psychic bitch, don’t touch me’. She could barely stand, the car reeked of alcohol, and when I asked her to take a field sobriety test she just kept saying ‘can’t, too possessed’ and ‘not at fault, bitch. You can’t touch this'”.
The skeptic prick went on to say “I mean, how f***ing gullible are you people”.
No one will ever know what happened to Jennifer on those terrifying nights. All we can say is, f*** that skeptic prick.
Rochester, NY- In a turn of events that can only be called historic, racism has been deemed ended when an african-american police officer shot a white teen without provocation.
The late Terry Williams, age 15, was walking back to his suburban two story home when he was stopped by officer James Gomét, age 45. Before Terry could even put his hands in the air, the police officer emptied his pistol into the brave youth, then dropped a knife and a small amount of crack cocaine on the body, claiming “He charged me, he had a wild look in his eyes, there is crack cocaine on his body”.
Terry’s father, Evan, a tax representative with H&R block, was shocked at first;
“It was hard to hear that little Tere-Bear was gone, but now he will go down in history as the boy who ended racism, so its a bitter-sweet moment for us.” Stated Evan at his son’s wake.
Terry’s brave action has earned him a statue to be erected next to Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. in New York City.
“Where so many others had failed, a white, suburban, upper class, teenage male has risen to the occasion, and given us true change” Said Rochester justice Matthew Rosenbaum, tears in his eyes, “Thank god for that little white, rich, privileged boy.”
Hon. Rosenbaum declined to comment on the death sentencing of officer James Gomét without trial.
Rochester, NY- James Menkell is currently recovering at Strong memorial hospital from third degree burns. James Menkell was like any other twenty-four year old. His day consisted of working, school and browsing tinder for endless hours until it seems that his very existence was being questioned and his actual physical being was being absorbed into a neverending stream of numbers and swipes, sending humanity back into a shallow existence.
Yet, today James was not an average twenty-four year old, he was a twenty-four year old who just came face to face with the grim reaper himself/herself. We spoke with James in the hospital to ask him how this horrible incident came to pass,”I really don’t remember much to be honest, I remembering just swiping right non-stop out of pure desperation to validate myself and to at least know that, maybe one person within a 100 mile radius between the ages of 18-100 wanted to have sex with me, let alone find five pictures of myself attractive, three of them being group photos.”
James continued to rant about how tinder isn’t a fair representation of who he is and he wishes that the Women/men/older women/ older men on there would just understand who he is and to look past the fact he’s been on a local kickball team for the past three years by choice. We asked James how he walked into the fire, despite fire being so obvious.
“I mean I don’t think what I did was some rare event or something, I was walking down Monroe avenue swiping right on this chick named Becky because she had a nose ring and those are cute as f*** and next thing I know I’m in some guys back yard in Fairport and I heard people yelling, watch out for the fire, but how serious could I take those claims? If they really didn’t want anything bad to happen to me they should have sent me a picture of the fire.”
James will be recovering at Strong Memorial Hopsital for the next month, where he hopes he finds anyone to have pity on him and third degree burns attractive.
Rochester, NY – A political rally for Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders this past Saturday was brought to a screeching halt when Hitler, the long assumed deceased German dictator, showed up to protest. The rally, held at the Historic German House, was by all accounts a positive experience before Hitler’s arrival. Bernie supporters who had come to hear the Vermont senator’s populist messages were floored by the unexpected interruption.
College student Jake Stevenson had this to say, “I was really stoked to hear Bernie talk, I think he is totally what this country needs. But then, when, like, Hitler showed up, it totally bummed me out. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, ya know? Cuz I don’t speak German or whatever, but he seemed super mad at Bernie. Which is crazy, cuz Bernie is great.”
Reports indicate that the former Nazi leader burst into the room during Sanders’ speech and began screaming in German, pointing at the senator. Attendees of the rally instantly began a counter-protest, a few even throwing their FeelTheBern signs in the Fuhrer’s direction.
Though intense, the scene was short-lived, rally security quickly escorted the disgruntled Hilter off the premises as he howled, “abstimmung Trump,” over and over.
Sanders said this about the incident, “Let me absolutely clear, Hitler can yell and shout all he wants about a Jew running for office, or this or that, or whatever. However, however, I do not want this stunt to detract from the real problem this country faces. Hitler is not the real problem this country faces, I’ll tell you the real problem this country faces. It is that a handful of millionaires and billionaires hold far too much of this country’s wealth. That, that is the real problem.”
Rochester, NY- As Henry Wesson walks down Monroe avenue on his way to grab lunch, a little message appears on his fitbit, “congratulations! You’ve walked over 10 miles today! Only 5 more to go and you’ll meet your daily fitness goal!” “I’ve never been more miserable in my life, sure I’ve lost a good amount of my physical weight, but what permanent damage has been done to my soul?”
Henry Wesson isn’t alone in his struggle, many other fitbit users are experiencing the same dark side-effects of the fitbit. We spoke with local fitbit user Sharon Nester to see how the fitbit has affected her life, “I feel as if I’m just a walking corpse awaiting death, I mean how low does your life have to get where you spend over a $100 on a bracelet that reminds you that you have no self-control and you will become a walking pile of shit if it doesn’t remind you how many calories you’ve consumed?!”
As we were speaking with Henry, his fitbit asked him if he had met his daily goal of calories yet, Henry ripped off his fitbit and threw it across the street. “MY ONLY GOAL IS TO LIVE! NO MORE WILL I FEAR FOOD! I WILL BE A FREE MAN, NOT BOUND BY COMPUTER OR MANS NEED FOR PERFECTION! IF MY BODY IS A REPRESENTATION OF MY HEALTH, THEN I AM TAINTED!”
Other fitbit users were seen coming out bushes and sewers, a large crowd gathered around Henry and lifted him up in the air chanting “He is the one we have been waiting for! All the hail the one free of the bracelet!” The crowd began to go wild and threw all their fitbits into one giant pile and set it on fire. The crowd starting moving down the street, destroying everything in their path.
We approached a local resident on the street to see what he thought of this scene happening right in front of him, his response was “I just don’t understand what the fuss is all about, losing weight really isn’t that hard, stay away from junk food and just exercise regularly.”
In a completely depraved and shameless act of extreme sluttiness, Jeff Langdon made his profile picture one of himself in the bathroom of Chipotle with his entire upper body exposed to the Tinder community.
Declaring that he just wanted to let the world know he’s not ashamed of his body, even with the Godsmack logo on his abdomen, Jeff faced scorn from a society that almost universally finds this sort of smut to be self indulgent and egotistical.
“Disgusting. How does he expect me to take him seriously with that sort of smut? He’s clearly just a dirty whore who wants attention.” Said fellow Tinder user Melanie Rogers
“I just think if he wants me to respect him, he needs to start dressing like he doesn’t want me to f*** him and leave him. Clearly has some mommy issues.” Said Jeff’s Mom, who also uses Tinder.
Still Mr. Langdon has his supporters who say this is a “men’s rights” issue. “He’s taking a stand against these oppressive feminists who just want us to stop loving ourselves and would rather promote their bullshit equality cause whatever the f*** that means” said Chase Hammond, while high fiving a fellow shirtless bro at their frat’s “F***a Fat Chick” night. Celebrity penis with a beard Dan Bilzerian Retweeted his story to his loyal minions of sexual predators and said “it’s time us men stood up for our rights as we are now the minority in this country.”
Jeff could not be reached for comment since he was continuing to take shirtless selfies and swiping right without any discrimination, a true hero to all men who face the scorn of vicious attacks on their appearance in all forms of social media and online dating.