5 Signs Prince Is Really Still Dead

Rochester, NY- Musicians come and go. In a time where any person can have an “album release party”, it’s very difficult to truly know who is a real artist and who is just some asshole who wont stop sending you Facebook event invites. We lost a real artist, a man who can never be replaced and for this I mourn deeply. Here are 5 signs that The artist formerly know as Prince is no longer with is.

 

1) Every skyscraper is still f***ing purple- Death is hard enough to deal with on your own. So every time I want to look at that gorgeous skyline and see those f***ing purple neon lights on the side of every building, REMINDING ME OF THE FACT I’LL NEVER SEE PRINCE PERFORM LIVE EVER AGAIN!

2) Little red corvette has been my ringtone for six months- IT IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER MADE AND TO WAKE UP TO IT LITERALLY MAKES MY SOUL CRY WITH PAIN.

3) I googled is prince dead still and it said yes- So apparently google is god now and can just tell me that prince is dead and is never coming back, no matter how many small goats I sacrifice and no MATTER HOW HARD I PRAY!

4) I bought a little red corvette and burned it- I may have read in this “witchcraft” book that if you destroy items in a fire that were somehow connected to the deceased, it could possibly call his soul back into this realm and we could capture it, forcing dead prince to make a new album!

5) He stopped returning my phone calls- Prince and I were on a first name basis and he totally took my calls and it wasn’t my mom I was calling asking me if I was off my meds. Prince and I were best friends and I know that the only reason he would never return my calls is because he was dead. Obviously.

The Inner Loops Official List Of People

Well boys and girls, it’s just that time of the year again. The lunar cycles are becoming more condensed as a constant symbol of humanity falling into darkness becomes more and more clear. It’s time for all of us here at The Inner Loop to name all of our People of 2016. Here’s a quick look at our Top 10 People.

1.) Ghandi – He’s still cool right? I mean, I know a lot of people have forgotten his history or don’t really know why he’s important at all. In fact, I think I’ve completely forgotten too. What the f*** did this guy do? Didn’t he stand in front of a bunch of tanks or something so students could read in China? I don’t know, never mind. Ghandi didn’t do shit.

2.) Gregg – Now here’s a guy.

3.) Scarlett Johansson – She’s pretty great. And let’s be mature here everyone, she’s got a beautiful body. . . of work. I mean did you see her skin. . . I mean Under the Skin. Great movie. I’ve got no idea what it’s about, some body snatchers that steal humans that disappear into the floor. Awesome. I’d let Andre the Giant punch me in the dick with a fist full of bees just to watch her walk across a back-dropped stage for 45 minutes.

4.) My Buddy Gordie – Have you met Gordie? Aww he’s awesome. He’s got a lot of great stories. This one time, he overheard his older brother talking about this dead body a couple miles down the train tracks. So Me, Gordie, Jerry O’Connell, and Rivers Pheonix, went on this crazy adventure to find Ray’s body next to the train tracks and become local heroes! Wait, no, that’s definitely just the plot to Stand By Me. . . Whatever, Gordie’s pretty cool.

5.) My Dog Milo – I know, I know, my dog is not ‘technically’ human. But he’s a lot more fun to be around. I’d say I would rather be with my dog more often than I want to hang out with people. He never asks me where I’m going with my life and why I never call my mother IT’S BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED MOM. AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT……..

6.) Steve Buscemi – America’s fun loving punching bag. What a nice guy. He was a FDNY volunteer firefighter and even went back to his roots after 9/11 to help first respondents look for survivors (Which is more than that douche Giuliani did, AMIRITE!?)

7.) Tyga – I chose Tyga because he perfectly represents what the American Dream really is today. Just be a no talent hack with a bunch of Apple products and keep making your shitty music next to Justin Bieber until even shittier people give you a lot of money. F. Scott Fitzgerald has officially turned his casket into a rotisserie because he cannot stop rolling in his grave.

8.) Gregg – Did I mention Gregg yet? Whatever, he’s one hell of a guy.

9.) Reclining Chairs – Alright, alright. I guess I don’t actually mean “Reclining Chairs”, that’s ridiculous. I guess I mean those hinges that go underneath the seats to make the chairs recline. Those are awesome and do so much for humanity and civilization. Being comfortable at your own leisure is what made America Great again. . . Wait, What’s the PeaceCorp again?

10.) Me – Because F*** You, that’s why. I’m awesome.

Guy Starts His First Shift To Stand Outside Bodega And Stare At People

Rochester, NY- Donald Lancaster awoke to the sound of his alarm clock buzzing. He chose to hit the snooze button multiple times. Donald frantically woke up at 10:34 am late for his first day of work. What does Donald do for a living you ask? Donald just got a full-time job to stand outside of a local Bodega and stare at innocent civilians walking by with a look that you’re not really sure if its friendly or if he would stab you if you got too close. We spoke with Donald to get a feel of how that first shift went for him.

“I was really excited when I found out I got the job! My cousin Eddie hooked me up with it! I think he’s been standing outside of bodegas for over a decade now! People have thought that he’s owned so many stores by just hanging outside of them! A job where I can get all the respect and have none of the responsibility? Hell yeah, I signed up! My cousin recommended I buy a couple of white tank tops and get a tattoo of a giant cross on my arm to make myself seem like a professional!”

We asked Donald to walk us through the life in a day of a “Corner man” as they call themselves.

10:30 AM- I usually roll up pretty slow and look in multiple directions, not because I’m looking for anything, just in case anyone is watching me they can think I’m up to something.

12:00 PM- This is the lunch rush, so I make sure to usually have one or two beef jerky sticks in my hand and a menthol in the other. I find that the odor both of those things bring helps make me look professional.

3:00pm- This is a great time to pretend on my cellphone yelling at someone. Lots of traffic around this time and it’s just a great atmosphere when people are parked at a red light right in front of me as I’m screaming at my bitch of a girlfriend.

7:00 Pm- I’m pretty much done at this point and the next guy, Rico comes in to take over. I try to make sure the place it set up for success, I generally discard any loose receipt or trash in my pockets around the area and I scream racist slurs for a solid thirty minutes. I’m really trying to make a good impression.

Donald thanked us for interviewing him and said he had to leave so he could catch a cab home and then argue with the driver about how expensive it was.

 

Fish Monster Michael Phelps Tries to Emulate Human Emotion

So, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the olympics, but absolute genetic monstrosity Michael Phelps just won his 3rd gold medal of the event.

For those of you playing the home game, he now has 22 medals overall, that’s made up of:

2 Bronze Medals

2 Silver Medals

and 18 F***ing Gold Medals

Sweet baby Moses, that’s so much athleticism.

So for a minute put yourself in this obvious nazi-experiment-gone-pretty-good’s shoes. If you had a small fortune in proof that you sex good just lying around, and then continued to get more of them while doing this shit-

That’s Phelps literally staring down the man who came in second place, making sure he realizes that he should still fear whats in the ocean’s depths. He did this after winning Gold in the 200m Butterfly. The madman waved the camera’s to him, did a “I’m Number 1” thing to the cameras, then slowly turned to the man next to him and stared him down. This wasn’t an act of aggression, this was an emotional war crime.

Which brings me to my ultimate point:

Michael Phelps has no idea what emotion is anymore, and really, who can blame him?

Look at him try to squeeze out one dusty tear during him winning yet another gold medal

That isn’t crying. Or nationalism. Or even a man who gives a single continental shit about what anyone thinks. When you have enough Fort Knox neck candy to topple a small regime, does having feelings even matter anymore?

This is someone, and I dare not say man because whatever hybrid of magic, science, and fish blood created Michael Phelps is certainly not by definition “Human”, who has a survival instinct version of “Fight or flight” that is pretty much just “Be wet and win or be actively trying to be wet and win”. Whatever feelings he has at this point are probably just stimulus responses to being out of the water, as shown in this handy flow chart:

Let me put it this way:

A couple of decades ago in a small fishing village, there was a humble fisherman and his wife. They had begotten a child, but could not afford to keep it on such a meager existence. They prayed to Poseidon to bring safe passage to the child, then released him to the sea. Poseidon, who was cramming down half a chilli dog smashing back a keystone, looked up and saw the child floating out with the tide. With a bloated cry of “Dude, im gonna make this kid so f***ing rad”, he blasted the child with his magical trident, and out of the sea-foam came a pot smoking half-fish with a fetish for gold circles.

Michael Phelps doesn’t feel like people do. As long as he keeps what can only be a shaky peace between the USA and Atlantis by funneling gold through our aquatic athletics programs, then f*** it. He earned the right to not have people feelings, and God bless him for it, the beautiful gilled bastard.

Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

Rochester Local Gains Fame, Is Instantly Forgotten by All

Rochester, NY- With many prestigious institutions, artistic foundations, and intellectual circles, Rochester is a breeding ground for successful people to grow up and leave Rochester. We have so many great people that have come out of this city and it’s surrounding areas, who leave and make they’re name a success. People like…

…uh, people like….well people who have succeded locally, like George Eastman, the creator of the monolithic Kodak empire. Uh, John Jacob Bausch and Henry Lomb who created the Ray-Ban style of sunglasses and the chain of Bausch & Lomb eye care stores. But, um, lets see what other names found success outside of Rochester!

There’s uh…well he’s from Fairport… but thats close right?

Gosh i just-

-I’m drawing a blank.

uhhh, oh! Oh

Oh oh oh! yeah she’s from around here! uhhh, she…whats her f***ing name..

Yeah! She’s in the new ghostbusters…its on the tip of my tongue, honestly.

Theres also some pretty great musicians that have come out of rochester, yeah, gotta remeber their names!

Like, Uh…

Crap, he’s in Joywave and Big Data? they’re getting pretty big right now, crap where did he move to?

Or, ooorrr uhhhh-

Crap, he was in Foreigner! damn…

I mean, well here’s some others I know I remember.

The Alphabet Killer

2 of the Hillside Stranglers

Arthur Shawcross

So! you know like, a good amount of serial killers but…uhhh…

Oh! no theres another one he’s really up and coming-

Ugh! what is his name? He goes to RIT, he’s an upcoming filmmaker, he’s moving to NYC soon…

Its so weird, it’s like everyone who leaves the city after achieving even slight success is never mentioned again until they crash and burn, or die. Or both! It’d be amazing to hear some good news about people from our hometown area.

In a related story, Rochester local Lane McFaddin was found dead in his home in Rochester, having choked to death after his cat sat on his head when he was asleep.

Rest In Peace Lane.

5 Problems With “The Inner Loop”

As you’re reading this blog within another a blog within a website WITHIN YOUR LAPTOP, YOU MUST BE THINKING! What is the Inner Loop? Why is The Inner Loop? Who is The Inner Loop?  The Inner Loop is a blog. A blog that goes beyond the limits of what a blog even means! A blog that points its finger at the masses and shouts “WE CARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK! WE ONLY CARE THAT YOU THINK.” Yet, despite The Inner Loop standing out among the crowd as one of the best blogs to ever exist. It is flawed, like everything else in life. It has cracks, it is written by humans and possibly one shape shifting reptilian person (still investigating). The Inner Loop is sadly flawed and we are here to expose them to the public. Here are five problems with “The Inner Loop”.

  1. Anyone can write for them-  Yeah, that’s right. We’re not making this shit up. ANYBODY CAN WRITE FOR THEM. Like anybody, your mom, your dad, that weird guy on the corner of Monroe and Alexander. Any old asshole with a laptop and two working hands (that aren’t reptilian) can write for them. Do you need to submit an application? Nope. Resume? Nope. Just message the Facebook page group and one of there many “esteemed” writers will respond and add you to the list! This is a dumb idea and its one of the many reason “The Inner Loop” will fail.
  2. None of it is real- If you’re looking for some hard-hitting news with things like facts and real stuff that is actually happening in your everyday life. Look somewhere else, The Inner Loop is straight bullshit. It’s just a bunch of guys who chat through Facebook messenger and mock each other constantly and sometimes come up with articles. They have an article called “Guy on tinder all day, walks into real fire”. Don’t ruin your eyes with this filth.
  3. Writers cant think of their own ideas- Creativity does not come to these guys naturally. I mean even this very article that they’re writing, they had to ask the other “writers” for help to finish this list. You don’t want to read something that took multiple people to make. I mean the only thing that should take two people to create is making a baby and even then they’re are consequences, like that your dad left and he probably got kidnapped by the reptile people.
  4. Michael Colon created it- Who the f*** is Michael Colon? Exactly, apparently he created this thing. He had like a “cool idea” he wanted to talk about with his friends and now it’s turned into this thing that’s actually being consistent with articles and getting more followers every week and some may even say slightly “successful”. That kid is a complete idiot and a total loser. Don’t read anything he is even slightly apart of.
  5. They shed insight into serious subjects with humor– The world is full of serious things and events happening that need to be talked about without any sort of political agenda. That’s what these guys do! Disgusting I know! I don’t want to hear about events happening in the world with a real human perspective and also humor! No thank you! I will gladly go back to my weekly nights of fox news marathons!
  6. Did we mention number 2 already?- Sometimes when I’m writing these articles I get lost because I keep switching tabs between Facebook and checking my bank account, so things kind of get confusing.
  7. They lose count of things–  Numbers are for people who count down the days till they die! We shall be immortal, we shall live among the gods and do the things the gods do!
  8. Never let go Jack– Titanic ❤

Rochester NY's #1 Fake News Source